How Dangerous Is Bird Flu, Anyway?

A handy Q&A to help readers navigate this Deadly New Disease™.

In the last week alone, three unrelated people have messaged me about bird flu—essentially wanting to know how panicked they should be. I’ve written extensively about countless worrisome potential-pandemics including mysterious Disease X, cholera 2.0, the endless string of COVID strains that “present like the common cold” so it’s nearly impossible to know how to overreact appropriately, and even covered bird flu when it was just a glimmer in the WEF’s eye. But now that it’s a full-fledged, deadly cause for alarm, I wanted to address a few frequently asked questions so that you, too, can determine how unhinged you should be.

What is bird flu?
Bird flu (or “avian influenza,” if you’re pretentious) is the common name for the H5N1 virus [not to be confused with H1N1 (swine flu) or H-1B visas], a subtype of influenza that’s about to make its Broadway debut. Expect lots of dance numbers and songs, celebrity appearances, and nonstop press coverage.

Why is it called H5N1?
Scientists wanted a name that sounded equal parts scientific and scary yet confusingly familiar but didn’t scream “we ran out of ideas.” Also, Chickpocalypse didn’t pass the branding committee.

How do people catch H5N1?
H5N1 is transmitted through very close contact with infected birds. If you are currently in an intimate relationship with an extremely unwell duck or a rooster, for example, you might want to get your affairs in order. If you’ve petted or shared a bubble bath with a healthy bird, experts recommend staying one-and-a-half wing’s lengths away from at-risk individuals, including those with terminal illnesses and petulant progressives who are still wearing masks and mourning the presidential election results.

What are the symptoms of H5N1?
H5N1 is often asymptomatic, which is why it’s important to test yourself every five minutes, especially when you’re feeling perfectly perky. When symptoms do present themselves, they are typically in the form of an aversion to Mondays, an active pulse, and the urge to Google symptoms.

What is the government doing to stop it?
Our esteemed health agencies, in tandem with the WHO, the WEF, the UN, and the CEO of Crocs, are working tirelessly to monitor the spread of H5N1, mostly by asking random birds if they feel "off" and then immediately killing them if they admit they do.

How worried should I be about H5N1?
That depends. Are you a chicken?

Is there a vaccine for H5N1?
Seems we have a stockpile of old, outdated ones somewhere, but scientists are racing [that’s the actual headline] to develop a shiny new mRNA one, on account of how well that went with COVID. (No one knows what’s taking so long, since they filed all the patents in 1907.) Don’t worry; the US government has already thrown $176 million at Moderna alone to get cracking on that, so we should have something on pharmacy shelves by next Tuesday. (Testing, shmesting! This is obviously an emergency situation.)

Should I stop eating chicken?
There’s no need to avoid consuming chicken, as long as it’s properly cooked and only the genetically engineered, lab-crafted, poultry-free kind. Tasty options are available from Chickenish, Not Your Mother’s Nuggets, Peckless Farms, and Zero Clucks Given.

What about eggs?
Bill Gates, who has no medical or nutritional training whatsoever but is clearly obsessed with health and wellbeing, says you shouldn’t eat them, so I wouldn’t.

America’s paragon of fitness.

Is this worse than COVID?
That’s like asking if Jeffrey Dahmer is worse than Ted Bundy. The point is, they’ll both kill you, so be very, very afraid.

How many Americans have died from H5N1?
As of this writing, just that one elderly patient who had multiple underlying health conditions, but keep in mind that mass casualties always start with “just one.” Be sure to tune in to CNN for the 24/7 death ticker.

Are there any treatments available for H5N1?
NO AND THAT’S WHY YOU NEED TO BE FREAKING OUT.

Will this lead to lockdowns?
Absolutely not. Lockdowns violate our constitutionally guaranteed rights and liberties [as determined by the Select Subcommittee on the Coronavirus Pandemic] and will never again be employed by any agency of the US government*.

*NOTE: Officials have arbitrarily awarded themselves the right to enforce a quarantime, which involves confining communities, cities, or entire countries to their homes to limit interaction among people and control the spread of the disease. It’s important to understand that a quarantime is completely different from a lockdown because it’s not even the same word.

What can I do to stay safe?
Stop playing with sick or dead animals and their feces, quit your job if you’re a farmhand, and avoid any social media platforms that have abolished fact-checking to prevent accidental exposure to dangerous misinformation (such as “don’t worry about bird flu”). You really can’t be too careful.

Brilliant art by cartoonist Anne Gibbons, sent to me by follower and frequent commenter David Sowd.

I hope this helps clear up any confusion around this not-so-novel but definitely deadly disease. Stay safe out there, fam!

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p.s. Guess who made the made the “top 100 covid/contrarian newsletters on substack” list? Come on, guess. :)