The View Is a Zoo

And it's about to get wilder.

Sincere question: Does anybody actually watch The View anymore—or does it merely exist as a wholly mockable entity from which people like me can pull ridiculous snippets to make fun of? Because honestly, that shitshow is a headline writer’s most hallucinatory dream come true.

Hostin’s “ominous prediction” referenced above? “I can't imagine that he won't try to weaponize the Justice Department.” (Sunny might want to brush up on her double negatives. English professors and editors don’t like it when you don’t not use them.) Does she mean like every president has done since the beginning of ever? Yawn. Okay. We know TV hosts can be dramatic. But the View headline that wins the internet this week is this one:

You guys, they just can’t agree! Are you freaking out? Why aren’t you freaking out? No, you’re not! You’re mildly flustered at best. We’re supposed to be COMPLETELY LOSING IT THIS IS TRUMP WE’RE TALKING ABOUT WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU? To be fair, the hosts do seem to agree panic is warranted, but Whoopi—who despises Trump more than all-y’all combined—wants people to wait precisely fifteen days to lose it so they can at least have a nice Christmas I guess? Oh, and she thinks Ana Navarro needs to tone it down a notch or twenty. Cue the hysterics.

Watching five privileged, overpaid ladies sit around a festively decorated Christmas set and argue about whether or not people are panicky enough about Trump’s impending takeover feels a lot like watching five chihuahuas fighting over a single holiday ham bone. (Mildly entertaining but also like an adult should probably step in and stop it before something gets broken—or someone gets bitten.) I wonder about The View’s regular viewers, probably more than I should. I picture a bunch of Karenish women my mom’s age wearing “Nevertheless, She Persisted” sweatshirts and snacking on low-fat Triscuits while utterly glued to their tubes over this cringe-worthy drivel.

I guess every forest has its mushroom hunters.

When rumors began swirling that Elon Musk was planning to buy ABC just so he could cancel The View, I admit I got a little excited. It turned out to be fake news, but that didn’t stop clever folks from making mashups like this one imagining just how glorious such a move would be (the AI voice overs are awful but the end is worth suffering through the rest):

The View really is an odious show. Joe Rogan famously christened it “a rabies-infested hen house.” Piers Morgan referred to the entire production as “a pointless, irrelevant, Trump-loathing joke” and has called for its cancellation. Meghan McCain dubbed it a “radical progressive insane asylum.” None are entirely wrong. And yet according to an ABC News press release, two and a half million women* people tune in to every single episode, and I can’t imagine more than a handful are being held captive against their will and being made to watch as punishment.

*but seriously you know there are scant few dudes watching The View

Which made me wonder: Why is there no conservative version of The View—something like Right On or Right Turn or Smart, Sassy, Classy, Unwoke Babes You Won’t Want to Punch in the Throat—with Candace Owens, Kayleigh McEnany, Roseanne Barr, Megyn Kelly, Shemane Nugent and maybe me sitting around that table spilling the tea?

BUT GUESS WHAT? There is going to be! Not necessarily starring me… unless anyone can pull a few strings… but as I am typing, actor and comedian Rob Schneider announced his new company No Apologies Media is launching a talk show to compete with The View. “It’ll be the opposite of The View because it’ll be entertaining,” Schneider deadpanned, adding that the unnamed program will focus on making people laugh rather than shoving politics down their throats. “We're not just trying to bring people who are angry and bitter and reinforcing their political echo chamber. It'll have funny women on it that are going to tell jokes and tell stories—and health and wellness.” No word yet on who these “funny women” will be either, but if you have any connections, feel free to throw my hat in the ring.

Words can’t really express how much I wish this were true.

I don’t personally know a lot of fans of daytime TV, but still I think this is a promising and long overdue development. What do you think? Let loose in the comments. :)

*********ALSO******** Sincere, yuge, emotional thanks to my amazing subscribers! Recently, several people have told me they’ve had trouble upgrading their subscriptions and suggested I include a direct link to that option, so here it is. Your support literally is everything.