What's Really Happening with the Epstein Files?

*that's not a rhetorical question

When I was in high school, the most popular guy in the senior class asked me to prom. Yesterday’s surprise shout-out from Coffee & Covid’s Jeff Childers was even better than that. Thanks to Jeff’s random act of kindness—which happened thanks to many of my regulars sharing my work over there [*bows in gratitude*]—I’m excited to welcome a whole new slew of subscribers. I hope you find Jenna’s Side to your liking and stick around for regular snark. :)

After the first disappointing drop in the Epstein Files bucket, I speculated that the sad, underwhelming “reveal” might be part of an intentional plot to literally bore us all to death. I’m still not convinced I was wrong. I mean, nothing screams nothing-to-see-here like screaming headlines about… nothing.

Naturally I’ve been checking around the clock for even a tiny, related tidbit that might change my mind.

During yesterday’s headline scan, one jumped out at me like a naked lady juggling firesticks popping out of a cake, even though it was buried between a story about transgender mice and an ad for bulk chocolate candy mix.

“Unpacking the MAGA world uproar over the Epstein files,” The Hill teased. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I had no idea the sex trafficking of minors was a uniquely MAGA concern. Probably Democrats are too busy supporting Ukraine again [even the ones who couldn’t find it on a map], shaming people for using plastic straws [while sipping their iced oat milk lattes from a plastic cup with a plastic lid], driving Teslas [while loathing Elon Musk], failing to define the word woman [unless she’s it’s they’re a man pretending to be one], and blaming climate change on cow farts [while charging their lithium Tesla batteries] to bother with the exploitation and abuse of innocent children.

It makes sense, if you don’t actually think about it.

“MAGA World* is up in arms after the release of files related to disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein landed with a thud,” the article begins. “The so-called Epstein files are a point of fascination on the right and parts of the left**, and they have spawned conspiracy theories about powerful figures who may have associated with Epstein***, who died in 2019****.”

*MAGA World [their capital-W] is not, in fact, a conservative theme park featuring the Roller Coaster of Fake News and a Pirates of the Constitution immersive boat ride (but it should be and I’d go if it were and I categorically hate theme parks).

**According to The Hill, every Republican (*plus a curious handful of Democrats) is weirdly obsessed with this small, insignificant case allegedly involving hundreds of famous actors, athletes, business tycoons, politicians, princes, presidents, and at least one wheelchair-bound theoretical physicist. NBD.

***In journalism, this is a little persuasion technique known as “poisoning the well,” where the writer frames a topic with biased, false, negative, or misleading information before presenting the actual argument, making it harder for readers to consider the subject objectively. I mean, they’re just conspiracy theories anyway, so what difference does it make?

****Did he, though? (Sorry, but you know I’m a card-carrying conspiracy theorist.)

“But an initial effort by Attorney General Pam Bondi to do so earned her the ire of some Trump supporters* after it provided little new information,” The Hill continued.

*Why are SOME Harris supporters not all-ired-up? How can the lamestream media brazenly admit that Democrats don’t give a single diddle who among their esteemed ranks is a filthy, despicable child molester?

After explaining in great detail the air sandwich that was the first Epstein document dump and the “right-wing rage” that followed, The Hill opined ominously: “The furor may foreshadow other issues* for the Trump administration.”

*It may. Then again, it may not! Nobody knows for sure.

If you thought the well had been thoroughly poisoned by this point in the piece, you’re obviously not a deeply-studied student of propaganda. “Trump signed an executive order to release more documents around the assassinations of former President Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr.,” The Hill continued. “While the former President Kennedy assassination in particular has remained a point of public interest and a source of conspiracy theories, experts have cautioned* any unreleased files are unlikely to contain shocking revelations**.”

*Experts have cautioned. And because they’re (anonymous, uncredentialled, unverified) experts, you should definitely listen to them.

**Translation: “So, like, when they do release the files, you can just go ahead and ignore ‘em, because the government always tells you the full, transparent, unedited truth, no matter how self-incriminating it is. Really.”

Actual photo of the U.S. government.

“In the case of the Epstein files,” The Hill deadpanned, “it’s unclear what evidence would satisfy conspiracy-minded followers*. But if they don’t get what they are looking for, Bondi may find herself in the hot seat**.

*[*picks jaw up off floor and shakes head to see if I actually just read that sentence] Unclear what evidence would satisfy, is it? How about—and this is just off the top of my head—meticulous records of every single person who paid for access to underage girls, including bank statements and financial records; sworn affidavits from the victims or documentation from survivors that corroborate their stories; unredacted communication that might shed light on what was happening behind the scenes and who was coordinating and facilitating it; proof that Epstein was or wasn’t a foreign intelligence agent; evidence of any legal protection or cover-up for Epstein or any of his “clients”; a clear understanding of how widespread the whole operation was; and maybe some details that actually explain the super-sketchy circumstances around the guy’s alleged death? I’m just spitballing here.

**Subliminal messaging: “Just so you know, whatever does or doesn’t happen is Pam Bondi’s fault. She’s the one to watch here. She might be in trouble!”

The fox guarding the fact-checking henhouse insists that The Hill tends to be just a tiny bit left of center in its reporting—and has high [emphasis theirs] confidence in this rating.

[*sprains finger punching DISAGREE button]

Aside from The Hill’s laughable “reporting” on the subject and the outlet’s herculean efforts to stymie the brainwashed, mouth-breathing half of the public’s interest in it, AG Bondi insists that although she was tricked the first time into thinking she’d been given something juicy (resulting in the disappointing dump heard ‘round the world), a brand-new “truckload” of related evidence has been delivered to the FBI. Bondi is promising that Americans will see the full Epstein files.

I’m not gonna lie, Bondi lost a lot of my faith after taunting that the Epstein client list was “sitting on [her] desk right now” and then producing the Y2K of bombshells. I’m sure she’s a busy lady and all, and I try to extend preemptive grace whenever possible, but did she not think to at least thumb through the files to make sure they contained any actual revelations before having them bound and handed off to an insanity of influencers? I’m worried that the “truckload of documents” she’s promising this time belongs to a vintage Tonka.

In case you weren’t convinced that political theater is of the comedy genre, Congressman Andy Ogles (R-TN) announced he’s drafting legislation unironically named the PEDO (Prevent Epstein Document Obliteration) Act, which orders agencies to identify and retain any records related to the case—even regulatory bodies such as the FAA, which may be outside of the expected scope of the investigation. Who knows if it’ll pass or get any traction, but God bless this man for putting that out in the universe.

I’m continuing to kick this flat tire because the more the media wants to turn the Epstein Files into a non-event or right-wing fetish, the more determined I am to keep shining a blinding light on it. LMK what you think in the comments.

P.S. I hate to do this to you guys again and I hope you know how dedicated I am to this stack, but I am making an unexpected trip to Florida tomorrow for personal reasons and will be upcycling a few posts from the past while I am gone. If you’re the faithful sort, kindly keep my beloved Aunt Linda and Uncle Jack in your prayers. Thanks all. XOXO

There are a total of zero stories about transgender mice in this book.