FBI Accidentally Finds 2,400 JFK Assassination Files It Swore Didn’t Exist
Try not to pass out from the shock.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most startling discovery since learning that repeatedly pressing the CLOSE DOOR button in an elevator does absolutely nothing, the FBI announced Monday that it has miraculously stumbled upon new files related to the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.
“We totally had no idea these were here,” an FBI spokesperson stated while nervously glancing at an overflowing filing cabinet labeled “Definitely Not JFK Stuff.” The records were coincidentally unearthed immediately following an executive order from President Trump, who did not know of their existence but nevertheless demanded their release along with documents related to the assassinations of Robert F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr, not that anyone thinks everything we were told about those murders is sus, too. Really.
History buffs may recall how the Warren Commission, in a remarkable display of investigatory efficiency, took nearly 10 months to conclude that the most powerful man in the world was taken down by a lone gunman with a cheap mail-order rifle, firing from an impossible vantage point, using a magic bullet that zigzagged through two people like a snake on roller skates. This groundbreaking report—rushed out in only 888 pages—assured the American public that there was no conspiracy, despite the fact that the assassin was immediately assassinated on live TV by a man with mob ties, and that literally everyone who saw the shooting had a slightly different version of events. The Commission gathered airtight testimony from sources like Allen Dulles—the former CIA director that Kennedy had fired—who pinky-promised that the agency he led had nothing to do with the presidential execution or anything else, ever.
The discovery of this previously unreleased information has stunned historians, conspiracy theorists, and that guy who paid $31,000 for Lee Harvey Oswald’s personal revolver at auction. “For decades, the government assured us that all relevant JFK assassination documents had been accounted for,” said Dr. Seymour “Deep Dive” Debunkum, an investigator specializing in government cover-ups, UFO landings, and the curvature of the earth. “But evidence goes missing all the time. Remember the night before 9/11 when then-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld admitted the Pentagon couldn't account for $2.3 trillion in transactions? Or when the FBI just couldn’t find the thousands of emails deleted from Hillary Clinton’s private email server? Or when the security footage from the night of Jeffrey Epstein’s death somehow disappeared? Or when the IRS accidentally misplaced thousands of emails shortly after being accused of targeting conservative groups? I mean, you know, [redacted] happens.”
The FBI claims the newfound records were overlooked due to “technological advances in automating record keeping processes” and not because they were deliberately buried deeper than a mob snitch. The agency also admitted that since 2020, it had been transferring closed case paper files from field offices to its Central Records Complex in Virginia, where it apparently just now realized it had a whole section dedicated to one of the most scrutinized assassinations in history. “We actually thought Caesar, the CRC night watchman’s dog, ate them,” said an insider who asked not to be identified.
“This is great news for transparency!” declared one optimist whose financial future rests on the comeback of Big Lots. Skeptics, however, remain doubtful about the contents of the newly discovered records. “I expect they’ll be heavily censored,” lamented one frustrated citizen journalist who gladly accepts Ko-fi donations. “I’m anticipating a 400-page report where every word except ‘the’ and ‘Dallas’ is blacked out.”
The Biden administration claimed in 2023 that 99% of the JFK documents had been released, a statistic that now appears as reliable as a chocolate teapot. Trump, who earlier declassified thousands of pages on the assassination in 2017 and 2018, easily secured his second term in office by vowing to publicize every last piece of related info if re-elected in 2024. “The American people deserve to know the whole truth this time,” Trump said at a rally, adding, “And let me tell you, I know a thing or two about controversial files.”
Meanwhile, sources within the FBI have hinted that if the public just gives them another 60 years, they might trip over another batch of paperwork—perhaps even one labeled “Who Actually Did It.”
Stay tuned.
P.S. Alert reader Bob tipped me off to the fact that some diligent Wikipedia editors have made it a point to update my profile page. I’m no longer a speaker and author; I’m a “conspiracy theorist and disinformation enthusiast.” *blushes furiously*
I’m half honored (They know me! Right now, they know me!) and half pissed (that they left off a dozen of my books including The War on Ivermectin and Yankee Doodle Soup, that they undercounted my millions of TEDx views by nearly half, and that they chose the word enthusiast. Serena Williams is not a tennis enthusiast. Elon Musk is not a car enthusiast. The term is a subtle dig; the queen of backhanded compliments; shorthand for “She’s not very good but she really seems to enjoy it, bless her heart.” I prefer disinformation master, authority, specialist, or wizard, thanks in advance.).
I updated the page myself—anyone can do it—but there must be an algorithm at work because it immediately reverted to this janky, incomplete mess. If you’re bored, feel free to dive in there and add anything you’d like to my bio. Make me a part-time showgirl, former mermaid, professional stunt double, or spicy mustard enthusiast. Bonus points for coming up with clever titles for dozens of books I didn’t write!
*Also, consider this a #PSA to maybe don’t believe everything anything you read on Wikipedia.
It is beyond embarrassing how incompetent our deep state is. I went through the anger phase in Covid, and in the intervening years skipped quickly through bargaining, depression and now acceptance, having never been troubled by the denial phase at all. But now I find myself in the elusive sixth stage of grief; embarrassment. I'm embarrassed at how bad these chumps are, even at burying files. They can't even stick to a lie. Where do they find these people? The good people of Russia Russia Russia must be laughing their heads off at us. These nitwits make the Keystone Cops look like Cagney & Lacey.
Ah, dear Jenna, don't waste your time with editing in Wikipedia. It's always been this way, that when you try to edit it, bingo, it goes back to whatever nonsense and junk and photo was put there— if someone with the wherewithal wants it to be so.
The more important point, I think, is to NOT use Wikipedia whenever at all possible. I'd also love to see the libel and defamation laws be made more effective. Meanwhile, it is what it is. Sadly.