With midterms less than two weeks away—I’ve mentioned that midterms are less than two weeks away, right?—Democrats are carefully strategizing for the aftermath. (Not the Civil War scenario; this is a brand-new crisis!) Even though they’re absurdly confident that they’re going to wrest control of Congress back from Republicans (almost all the fake polls say so!), they fear MAGA is right this minute scheming behind the scenes. In fact, lawmakers have workshopped more than 100 different ways the GOP might try to prevent them from actually taking over the House.
One hundred ways.
I can barely think of six ways to cook chicken.
According to the San Francisco Chronicle, congressional Democrats have spent months gaming out dozens of potential scenarios in which Trump and his accomplices refuse to accept Democratic victories in November. The fear is that Republicans will cry voter fraud, toss out legitimate Democratic victories, and somehow hang on to control of the House despite losing the election.
California appears to be ground zero for the hypothetical heist, thanks to a recent DOJ lawsuit over alleged noncitizen voting there.
But Democrats, you should know, are not going to take this [*checks notes*] mutiny lying down. Rep. Jared Huffman of California says they’ve assembled attorneys, election experts, congressional staffers, and presumably someone whose entire job is to ask, “But what if Mike Johnson steals the staplers?”
I’m not calling anyone certifiable for having concerns. Election challenges happen all the time. Lawyers prepare for them. Nobody wants to discover on January 3 that the opposing party has found a constitutional loophole the size of Lake America. But the Democrats’ nightmare scenario goes way beyond recounts, lawsuits, and debates over dimpled (hanging? pregnant?) chads. Apparently, they’re worried that Speaker Mike Johnson could replace the current House clerk with a GOP loyalist who would simply refuse to put the names of newly elected Democrats on the roster.
Yes, the clerk.
Not the Supreme Court. Not the Electoral College. Not the Sergeant at Arms. The clerk. The person responsible for roll-call has somehow become the kingpin in an imaginary congressional coup. I don’t know about you, but I was today years old when I learned the fate of American democracy could theoretically rest in the hands of someone whose job title sounds like it comes with a laminated name tag and responsibility for ordering printer ink.
Huffman, meanwhile, says Democrats are fully prepared for whatever shenanigans Republicans might pull. “We are lawyered up and ready for it,” he declared. “The American people are going to be in the street.” (You’re getting very, very sleepy. And also very, very angry. When I snap my fingers, you will be overcome with the urge to march.”)
Wait, I thought they were already going to be in the street? You know, after the DSA foot soldiers provoke Trump into invoking the Insurrection Act, the federal government loses its legitimacy, and Democratic governors take over? Or are we supposed to overthrow the government before Republicans steal the House? At this rate, the revolution is going to need a shared Google Calendar.
The kicker in all of this is that the Chronicle actually interviewed several election experts about the possibility of Republicans refusing to seat an entire delegation of duly elected Democrats—and not a single one is putting up their insurrection decorations just yet. Sarah Binder, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, said the idea “doesn’t pass the sniff test.” David Becker, executive director of the Center for Election Innovation and Research, declared himself “absolutely confident” that whoever wins the elections will take office.
People whose job it is to know things: “We have identified a total of zero reasons for hysteria.”
Democrats: “We’d like to panic anyway, thanks.”
So we have Democratic lawmakers preparing for an extraordinary constitutional inferno, progressive organizers stoking the idea of mass demonstrations, and the experts essentially telling everyone that the building probably isn’t even on fire.
And then there’s Hakeem Jeffries, whom the Chronicle casually identifies as the “presumed next speaker of the House” (if Democrats pull off a win, if his colleagues elect him Speaker, and if the country hasn’t turned into the Thunderdome), insisting that his party plans to ensure midterm victory by making the margin [*checks notes*] “too big to rig.”
He did. He said “too big to rig.” While accusing Republicans of plotting to steal an election. It’s a particularly rich declaration coming from the side that’s allergic to voter-ID laws, violently resists proof-of-citizenship requirements, and has been busted paying homeless people to vote and forge signatures. Forget about stolen elections—Republicans would very much like our catchphrase back.
I don’t want to give Democrats undue credit, but if I were planning to cheat my way to a victory—by, say, refusing to remove 20,000 noncitizens from the voter rolls or certifying fictitious ballots—preemptively crying foul play isn’t the worst move on the board. I’ve encountered this exact strategy of getting ahead of an accusation before. The mastermind was eight.
When my youngest daughter was in third grade, she stopped me as I was walking out the door on my way to her parent-teacher conference. “Mom, remember,” she told me solemnly. “If my teacher says anything bad about me, it wasn’t me.”
So remember, kids. If Democrats win, democracy worked precisely as it was intended. If Republicans win, somebody needs to check the clerk’s backpack. And if anyone asks, it wasn’t us.
POLL REDUX FOR FINICKY PHONES:
Who takes the House?
Republicans, legitimately.
Republicans, in a coup.
Democrats, legitimately.
Democrats, by cheating.
*unsure/other/Sorry, I’m British
P.S. Yesterday I double failed. Yay me! I posted late (because I scheduled it the night before FOR THE WRONG DAY PART) and comments were briefly restricted to paying subscribers only (because for some idiotic reason, that is the Substack default—something I have to UNCHECK every single day and clearly I was delusional when I was scheduling the thing). My point is, apologies to any early readers who were unable to weigh in. If you had something you urgently wanted to share, the settings have been updated. ;)
Just remember, if either party wins, we lose! IMHO most all politicians will have to be screwed into the ground when they die. However, with the Republicans, we have half a chance!
Just buckle up Kids, we'e in for a ride after the elections. (And no soda (or pop) in the car!)
DataRepublican is posting some very interesting stuff right now, sort of along the lines of this discussion. Worth checking out.