If you’ve ever dreamed of quitting your job, becoming an amateur detective, and making a mint by exposing government grift, Donald Trump has some exciting news for you.
On Tuesday, POTUS announced the Fraud Whistleblower Incentive Program—or WHIP—a $25 million initiative designed to encourage ordinary Americans to rat out their thievish neighbors, colleagues, companies, and friends.
Trump framed WHIP (which sounds both deliciously naughty and British) as a direct response to California’s controversial Safe at Work Act, a measure aimed at criminalizing undercover investigations. Better known as the “Stop Nick Shirley Act,” it was signed into law by Governor Gruesome after the conservative YouTuber put himself on the political map by exposing millions in… creative accounting.
So basically, California wants to discourage the next Nick Shirley; POTUS wants to put him on the payroll. It’s almost poetic.
The concept behind WHIP is simple: find folks stealing taxpayer money, report it at fraud.gov, get paid. Bigly, if Trump has his way.
“If you turn somebody in and you, let’s say, report and you find $1 billion, we are giving a commission to that person of 1 percent,” Trump announced from the Oval Office. “That’s a lot of money.”
A cool $10 million to be exact, for anyone without a calculator handy.
Find $10 billion? Congrats, you’re now a hundred-millionaire. Uncover $100 billion? Welcome to the Billionaires’ Club yourself. Can I get you some caviar and a glass of Grey Poupon?
Trump insists finding the fraud is as easy as “shooting fish in a barrel” (which honestly sounds kind of hard to me but I’ll admit I’ve never tried it). The program is open to literally anyone, including journalists—although Trump did acknowledge that paying off the press may or may not require some strategic hoop-jumping.
“I don’t know if you could do this,” he admitted, “but subject to the laws of our nation, which I feel very strongly about, if a reporter turns somebody in, you’ll have to get approval, perhaps, from your wonderful newspaper, you get a one percent commission.”
I’m not sure which part of this I love the most. The president casually admitting that he’s not entirely sure whether his new program is legal, the reassurance that he’s a big fan of laws in general, or the suggestion that some lucky New York Times reporter might have to ask his editor’s permission before accepting a $100 million finder’s fee. (That HR meeting would be lit.)
Unfortunately, there’s another tiny wrinkle. According to the actual program rules, qualifying narks can collect between $10,000 and $30,000 for tips leading to criminal charges. Not $100 million or even a lousy $1 million. (Whistleblowers may qualify for larger payouts through other programs, but that’s not quite the same as a bottomless, presidentially guaranteed percentage.) When CBS asked about the discrepancy, Trump insisted there was “no limit” to the rewards and that criminal charges weren’t even necessarily required.
Apparently, the president and the Justice Department are still working out the pesky details of the WHIP prize packages.
And then there’s the budget. The administration has allocated $25 million to the program. At Trump’s advertised 1% commission rate, that would cover rewards on $2.5 billion in exposed financial funny business. Which sounds like plenty until you remember that POTUS insists trillions have been stolen from American taxpayers. Under the proposed payout structure, uncovering just a single trillion would generate $10 billion in commissions—which is 400 times the program’s entire initial budget.
I’m no accountant, but I foresee a slight cash-flow problem.
And if you’re wondering what happens when two people claim credit for exposing the same fraud, you can relax. It’s simple, really.
Trump will decide.
“I will be the arbitrator of all of these decisions,” he announced, promising to be “very generous.”
The Justice Department’s published rules, meanwhile, say that the department has sole discretion over awards. I, for one, can’t wait for two Florida retirees to demand a presidential ruling on who sniffed out the HOA scam first. Forget Judge Judy. We’re going straight to The People’s Covfefe.
Before anyone tries to call the whole thing a publicity stunt, the program already has its first recipient—none other than Nick Shirley himself, whose initial viral investigation into Minnesota daycare shenanigans ignited a national controversy. Trump presented Shirley with a check for ten grand during Tuesday’s announcement.
(Shirley seemed delighted, although he claims to have unearthed over $100 million in fraud—a number that should technically translate to at least a $1 million commission. Perhaps the remaining $990,000-plus is subject to the laws of our nation? I’m sure someone will investigate.)
To be clear, I’m all in on this. People witness dirty dealings all the time, but reporting them generally comes with all the financial upside of running yourself over with a tractor. And you have to admit, there’s something magnificently American about turning snitching into a potentially lucrative side hustle. The possibilities are endless! TikTok influencers will be selling $499 courses on how to spot SNAP fraud, Amazon will have same-day delivery on amateur forensic accounting kits, and some guy in his garage will launch a podcast called Fleece Around and Find Out.
Isn’t capitalism glorious?
A word of advice, though: Before you quit your job, invest in a trench coat, and start poking around the sketchy laundromat down the street, you might want to wait until POTUS and the DOJ can agree on how much you’re getting paid.
P.S. In news that absolutely could not have arrived at a better time, an Atlanta influencer who goes by the name—wait for it—Shawty Dred was busted yesterday for allegedly stealing $4.6 million in food stamp benefits. The 39-year-old rapper created more than 350 accounts based on stolen identities, and then sold the SNAP debit cards on the street for cash. Shawty, who liked to taunt his viewers as “broke MF-ers,” was known for burning stacks of cash on camera and posing in front of mansions and Maybachs, which is a bold move for a guy whose business model is literally stealing food from hungry kids. Anyway, I sure hope Shawty rots in prison someone remembered to file for their commission!
POLL REDUX FOR FINICKY PHONES:
What do you think about WHIP?
Brilliant, sign me up!
The math’s not mathing.
Don’t snitches get stitches?
Sorry, I’m British.
*combo/unsure/other
Hmmm...I could head over the local nonprofit hospital and uncover millions in fraudulent billing in about 2 hours.
Hmm. 💡I just figured out how to supplement my Social Security. Investigate the government agencies that are giving my money that I earned to illegals who didn’t put a dime into it when they turn 65…. (Don’t get me started!)