Hold Onto Your Hats: There WAS "A List"

And Trump was definitely on it but then they took him off so we should probably just put him in jail.

Sep 12, 2025

A quick, important note: Yesterday’s post was heavy, because it needed to be. Charlie Kirk’s death left many of us grieving and angry. Today I’m shifting back to humor, not because the loss isn’t profound or won’t be felt for generations, but because this is the work I do—finding the absurd and calling it out. Thank you for giving me the space for both.

“There is no Epstein list.”

That’s been the official line since [*checks notes*] shortly after Pam Bondi announced she had The Imaginary List on her desk. But, by the powerful dual force of denial and repetition, we were assured that No Such List™ even existed. It was all a conspiracy theory; wishful thinking that a pedophilic predator actually kept a running roster of degenerates on some mythical sleaze sheet. Silly peasants with your internet rabbit holes, go lick a solar panel.

Guess what? It turns out there is a list. And Trump is on it.

Well, he was. But according to Bloomberg News, which recently obtained more than 18,000 emails from Jeffrey Epstein’s personal Yahoo account, Epstein emailed Ghislaine Maxwell back in 2006 to request that she “remove Trump from a list of high-powered people.” We know this to be verifiable fact, because “Bloomberg exclusively obtained the emails and thoroughly vetted and reviewed them with four independent experts.”

The problem? No one has the faintest clue what this list was actually supposed to be a roundup of.

It came with no subject line, no context, no explanation. For all we know, it could’ve been “Men whose names rhyme with rump,” “Dudes with bad fake tans,” “Jerks who stiff the valet at Mar-a-Lago,” or “Gentlemen who look like they smell faintly of Aqua Net and canola oil.”

Bloomberg: We finally did it! We landed the scoop of the century! We got THE LIST! Take THAT, Reuters!
The entire universe: The list of… what?
Bloomberg: Oh, we have no idea. But it’s definitely a list. We vetted it and everything.

This is what constitutes a BOMBSHELL these days, SMH.

As if things weren’t already ridiculous enough, Bloomberg also unearthed an email exchange where a real estate developer mogul sent Epstein a photo of the “disgraced financier”—I prefer “loathsome child rapist” but that’s how the press likes to ID him—holding a massive novelty check in the amount of $22,500.

According to Raw Story, the check was “apparently signed by Trump, suggesting Epstein sold him a woman for $22,500.”

To be clear: There was no scribbled outline of a female form on the check; the buyer did not write illicit activities or adult entertainment or even consulting services, wink-wink on the memo line. And what does apparently signed by Trump even mean? Because it had his name on it? I don’t know if journalists know this, but I can scribble Trump’s name on anything I’d like, any time the urge strikes. I just did it, to prove it to myself. (Neither Bloomberg nor Raw Story mentioned any vetting of the Publisher’s Clearing House-style payment with independent experts, for the record.)

Is the architect of this so-called report actually trying to suggest—please hang on while I try to recover from snort-laughing my coffee—that Trump ordered himself a human party favor from Epstein, and then proceeded to discreetly pay him with a giant cardboard novelty check?

Epstein [in a fake Queen Elizabeth accent]: “Oh Donald, you cheeky rascal. You’re simply incorrigible.”

Honestly, if this wasn’t about sex trafficking and political malfeasance, it would make the perfect Mad Libs:

“[Person frequently in the news] emailed [another person frequently in the news] to add/remove [politician’s name] from a list of [vague adjective] people, while holding a [fake type of currency] signed by [celebrity/real estate mogul] for [suspiciously specific sum].”

Bloomberg actually called it “a flurry of new evidence connecting the pair.”

Actual footage of Bloomberg editors wading through SO MUCH damning evidence.

Firstpost pointed out that the 18,000 emails “mentioned Trump only three times.” And while none of the references suggest anything even remotely nefarious, they do show “his presence on the margins of Epstein’s social world.”

Sherlock Holmes [from the literary grave, sarcastically]. “Stunning work, old chaps. Did it take you the entire carriage ride to figure that one out?”

The real bombshells buried in Epstein’s Yahoo inbox were about Maxwell herself, many suggesting that she—brace yourselves—flat-out lied in her recent interview with the Justice Department.

Maxwell: “Yes, I was involved in the physical and psychological abuse of women and girls for decades, but I’d never lie about it. Swear.”

Forget the household-manager schtick: she was apparently deep in the gift-giving machinery (which included Rolexes for associates, luxury cars for attorneys, and lingerie and laptops for “the girls”). She was also still very much in the mix long after she claimed she’d distanced herself—right down to reminding Epstein about the fertility treatments she was undergoing that required his urgent… DNA deposit. (Romance isn’t dead, it’s just on ice.)

And yet, if you were a connoisseur of mainstream news, you might be (accidentally, of course!) led to believe that Trump was about to be hauled off in cuffs after this latest dump.

Naturally, outlets like Newsweek and Forbes couldn’t help dredging up the “suggestive” birthday note POTUS allegedly sent to Epstein—the one he’s suing the Wall Street Journal over and which is hardly incriminating, not to mention so laughably un-Trumpian that it qualifies for an all-new journalistic low. And believe me, the bar was already subterranean.

The alleged smoking gun. Try to conjure DJT saying, “enigmas never age” or “a pal is a wonderful thing.” Do it; I dare you.

So this is where we are: Jeffrey Epstein had a list that had actual names on it. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight knowing that some intrepid newshounds cleared that little mystery up.