Good News, Conservatives: Target Is Ours Again!

(*I think. Please check the boycott app before finalizing your purchase.)

When I was raising my girls in Santa Barbara, the nearest Target was thirty-five long highway miles away. We didn’t do “Target runs;” we did Target days. We planned our outfits. We made car playlists. We mapped out potty stops. There were snacks involved. (And I’m not talking about the crusty “car nuts,” as my daughters called the ancient bag of emergency almonds that lived in my glove box for the better part of their childhood. I mean proper snacks.)

To say we loved Target would be like saying Sydney Sweeney photographs well. There was no other retail outlet like it on Earth—one where the girls would behave like joyful, obedient angels for hours (while I grabbed a Frappuccino, some grout cleaner, a year’s worth of fish oil, and maybe a cute new workout set) simply for the promise of picking a treat from the dollar bin on the way out.

Imagine my delight when we moved to Austin and the nearest Target was seven minutes up the road. We could swing by on a whim and not even have to worry if everyone had emptied their bladders or I’d packed enough Goldfish crackers to survive a nuclear winter.

And then Target had to go and ruin everything. When the Mothership took to draping itself in Pride displays, stocking “trans rights” tees for toddlers, and gleefully hawking chest binders and packing underwear [undergarments that, according to Forbes, “allow a person to wear a phallic object or padding to create the appearance of having a bulge at the front of their pants”] and tuck-friendly swimsuits [um, the opposite], conservatives like me were forced to make the painful choice between our principles and really cute throw pillows.

The principles won in a landslide.

But now, in a plot twist nobody saw coming, consumers are being urged—by the head of one of the largest labor unions in the country—to boycott Target for [*checks notes*] not having an opinion about ICE.

It’s a legitimate question.

Not for supporting ICE, mind you. Not for donating a fleet of buses to help round up illegals. Not for hanging “WE ❤️ DEPORTATION” posters in its stores or putting “ROUND ‘EM UP” mugs on an endcap between the Stanley cups and the seasonal candles. Target’s crime was refusing to take a loud, furious, official anti-ICE stance. Evidently, silence isn’t just violence anymore; it’s worse.

It’s MAGA.

“Target’s corporate headquarters are in Minneapolis, but it has remained silent as ICE’s terror and brutality campaign has spread across the country,” said American Federation of Teachers (AFT) President Randi Weingarten in a recorded statement. “Target could have used its considerable clout to demand an end to these inhumane tactics.”

What about the poverty, homelessness, hunger, addiction, and raging mental illness crises in this country? The poisons they’re spraying on our food and in our skies? The human trafficking? The missing children? The overrun animal shelters? Nah. The greatest moral imperative of our time is stopping the people trying to stop the people who break our laws. (No really, think about that.) Don’t you just love it when liberals decide how everyone else should use their cash, connections, or “considerable clout?”

Weingarten then cheerfully announced the union’s new “nationwide campaign” called Shop Smart, Support Working Families. The splashy campaign website comes complete with a handy interactive map that “helps educators and families shop for school supplies at local stores and outlets that respect Labor Rights, instead of at Target.”

Approved retailers within a 100-mile radius of my house include Costco and Macy’s. That’s it. Just the two. Presumably, the criteria for inclusion on this list amount to “be a store, don’t be Target, maybe sell school supplies but not mandatory?” Anyway, I hope Ms. Malone’s second-grade students appreciate her clearance-rack summer sandals!

Maybe it’s just me, but America’s second-largest teachers’ union would appear to have far more pressing matters on its plate—like the fact that American children are currently getting their asses kicked by fractions and chapter books. In a recent nationwide assessment, just 23 percent of New Mexico fourth-graders were proficient in math and 20 percent in reading. (Yes, that means four out of five nine-year-olds couldn’t clear the reading proficiency bar, and no, those are not typos.) California was hardly a beacon of academic excellence, clocking in with an abysmal 35 and 28 percent, respectively. Even in Massachusetts—the highest-performing state in the country—only 51 percent of its fourth-graders took home a proficiency trophy in math and 40 percent in reading. Perhaps before Weingarten tackles Target’s insufficiently enthusiastic position on federal immigration enforcement, somebody could teach the kids how to calculate what percentage of them can read the boycott signs.

Then again, the AFT has somehow found time over the years to support Trump’s impeachment inquiry, sue his administration, campaign to mobilize students to support communist rallies, and now, apparently, dictate where Americans should buy their Trapper Keepers. Clearly “improving academic performance” is not part of the union’s mission statement.

“We gave Target ample time to stand with the communities in which they operate and help their neighbors, but its silence about Federal Immigration abuses has been deafening,” Weingarten said in a separate statement. “We wrote letters, passed resolutions and reached out to management in good faith but have yet to see any meaningful movement.”

So let me get this straight: The American Federation of Teachers is launching a nationwide campaign to protect labor rights by urging its 1.8 million members to stick it to Target? I’m no Wall Street analyst, but that seems like a bad play for a group that’s heavily invested in Target stock.

Yes, according to the AFT’s own letter to Target, its members’ pension funds directly own 6.79 million shares of Target stock. Meaning the same teachers Randi is redirecting over to Kroger may be relying on Target’s financial performance to fund their golden years. It’s a little like protecting your kitchen garden by pouring Roundup on half the vegetables.

But Weingarten knows the union’s power. Teachers spend an average of $895 out of pocket on classroom supplies, which adds up to roughly $3.4 billion a year across the country… every year. Previous boycotts have wiped billions from Target’s market value. In other words, “Nice little publicly traded company you’ve got there. Be a shame if 1.8 million regulars stopped shopping there.”

That strong-arming has not gone unnoticed. Last month, Sen. Eric Schmitt asked the Labor Department to investigate the union’s “woke investment practices.” Now, Heritage Foundation researcher Corey DeAngelis is calling for a federal investigation into whether the AFT is improperly using its pension-fund influence to pressure corporations into adopting its preferred political positions. (Is it using it? No question. But improperly? Remains to be seen. SMH.) And all of this comes just weeks after a House committee demanded answers about whether AFT used union dues to produce and promote Weingarten’s book—Why Fascists Fear Teachers, a title that practically writes its own punchline—while Weingarten herself was busy cashing royalty checks.

I started to highlight this but it’s ALL priceless.

It would appear that there’s no portion of a teacher’s financial life beyond the reach of Randi Weingarten’s considerable clout. But arguably, the money intended to keep her members in Werther’s Originals and orthopedic shoes someday deserves special scrutiny. Imagine discovering that the folks looking out for your nest egg are simultaneously trying to murder one of the birds helping feather that nest. It’s a move that unexpectedly makes Target’s merchandising team look like the adults in the room.

Meanwhile, Tar-zhay has found itself in quite the political pickle: The company tried being loudly, obnoxiously progressive and got hammered by the right. It tried saying nothing, and got hammered by the left. Apparently the only safe corporate strategy anymore is to shut off the lights, hide behind the customer-service counter, and hope nobody asks for a statement on Gaza.

“Do nothing” is a strategy.

After dutifully avoiding the red-cart corral for three years, I think I may be due for a Target run. I mean, if Randi Weingarten doesn’t want me shopping there, it almost feels like an obligation. (I don’t make the boycott rules, people. I just try to keep up with them.)

Grab your reusable bags, patriots. We shop at dawn.