EXPLOSIVE: Trump Informed He May Have Met Epstein

*Google Image Search stock explodes*

*QUICK DISCLAIMER: I’m on a huge deadline [new book announcement coming soon!] and have lots of stuff going on in my personal/professional life and I said I may or may not write about Epstein again, but this story was too good to ignore. My take on it is short but timely and as always, I hope you find it entertaining and enlightening. :)

Stop the presses, unroll the microfiche, and fire up your 2002 Dell Inspiron, because The Wall Street Journal has a scoop so hot it might already be in the Smithsonian archives:

“Justice Department Told Trump in May That His Name Is Among Many in the Epstein Files.”

That’s the actual headline. Not that Trump’s name is in the Epstein files (which we all knew) or that he has a timeshare on Little Saint James or that he and Epstein shared a Netflix password, but that he “was told in May” that his name is in the Epstein files. As if he didn’t know… or as if the telling-of-such implicates, well, anything.

Are drunk, mildly concussed squirrels writing headlines for the WSJ now? (It’s quasi-rhetorical.)

Bondi comforts Trump after divulging this shocking news.

The Wall Street Journal is on one hell of a roll. Last week, the outlet famously dropped a breathlessly “exclusive” bombshell—a raunchy letter Trump allegedly sent to Epstein (Jeff Childers did a glorious autopsy on that mess, in case you missed it)—over which Trump is now suing them for a cozy $10 billion for knowingly publishing fake news, bless. But the Journal wasn’t done embarrassing itself. Now it wants the world to know that Trump... *checks notes*... knew Epstein.

(Go ahead and take a moment to sit down and let that sink in. This is earth-shattering stuff.)

Forget the public flight logs, the widely circulated photographs, or the fact that their names have been yoked together in gossip columns, lawsuits, and awkward Getty Images for decades. According to the WSJ, Trump was officially notified that he has, in fact, associated with Jeffrey Epstein.

I mean, wow. Thank you for that crucial clarification, team journalism. You’re really earning that paywall.

Here’s the thing: No sane person is shocked that Trump’s name is in Epstein’s files. Their social circles overlapped. So did half of New York’s elite, two-thirds of 1990s flight manifests, and probably everyone who owned a checkbook and a yacht between 1989 and 2005.

Basically WSJ: “A famous man once existed in proximity to another infamous man, and we found a grainy Polaroid and a bar tab to prove it!”

If jealous ex energy is what constitutes journalism now, I have a few breaking exposés of my own:

• Trump has been seen in a room with Bill Clinton, which clearly makes him a feminist policy wonk with a global foundation.

• Trump once hosted Epstein at a party. Obviously they were co-authoring How to Groom Friends and Influence Pedophiles.

• Trump was spotted eating pizza, which, if you’ve followed certain corners of the internet, proves he owns a child trafficking ring under a DC ping-pong parlor.

Look, if Trump did something criminal with (or without or adjacent to) Epstein? Investigate him. Prosecute him. Throw the book, the bookshelf, and the entire Dewey Decimal System at him. But insinuating guilt by association (while ignoring details like Trump barring Epstein from Mar-a-Lago for acting pervy, or the fact that Trump was one of the few people who cooperated willingly with Epstein’s victims’ lawyers) is what people mean when they say “the media is broken.”

I guess it’s been broken for a while. (Also I didn’t know Kamala Harris once wrote news headlines!)

At this point, the Wall Street Journal isn’t uncovering secrets—they’re just printing screenshots from Google Images and pretending it’s the Pentagon Papers. “Trump knew Epstein” is the epidemiology chart of Manhattan social climbing in the ‘90s. The only thing missing is Epstein’s former landline number that Trump allegedly once dialed.

If this is what qualifies as a scoop, maybe next week they can report that Trump was informed that he’s in old episodes of The Apprentice. Or that he has a long-standing relationship with mirrors. Or that his name also appears in hundreds of court filings, press clippings, golf scorecards, and on hideously unflattering, gold-plated commemorative tribute coins.

In conclusion: yes, Trump’s name is in the Epstein files. We know. We knew. The only people who didn’t know are apparently writing headlines for legacy media while chasing clickbait like it owes them child support.

Wake me up when someone finds a napkin confession, an incriminating selfie, a credible witness, or literally anything more compelling than “he was told.” Until then, I’ll be right here—waiting for the WSJ to break the shocking news that Hillary Clinton once emailed someone.

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