BREAKING: Donald Trump Is Not Dead

*Despite what you saw on X. (Sorry, libs.)

According to the internet, Donald Trump died over the weekend. According to reality, he was alive and swinging golf clubs in Virginia. But why let actual facts ruin a perfectly good hashtag?

Yes, #TrumpIsDead was trending worldwide—wedged somewhere between #WWEClash and #HappyBirthdayJungkook—as the internet’s panic-industrial complex whipped itself into a frenzy. Why? Because the man disappeared from public view for a few days, had some bruises on his hands, and, importantly, The Simpsons allegedly predicted Trump would expire in August, 2025. (Actually that last one did have me sweating for a spell—but it turns out the viral clip was actually a fake.)

Speculation kicked into overdrive after JD Vance, in an August 27 USA Today interview reflecting on his first 200 days in office, fielded questions about his interest in someday holding the top spot. On being one of the youngest VEEPs in American history, Vance said he was prepared to step in if “God forbid, a terrible tragedy” were to strike—how else would the second-in-command express his readiness for world leadership graciously, one has to wonder?—before quickly adding that Trump was and is as fit as a fiddle (*if fiddles throve on KFC and no sleep).

JD VANCE: “I can’t think of any better on-the-job-training than my time in office.”

THE MEDIA: “JD Vance Says Trump Has Days to Live; Calls Dibs on White House.”

The thing is, I get what’s driving the suspicion. After all, the government lies to us about literally everything (remember eggs are bad, vaccines are safe, and two weeks to flatten the curve?). Why would any of us presume for a skinny minute that they’re bring straight about Trump’s health? Political scientist Ian Bremmer summed it up best: “[What’s] happening with Trump says a lot more about the state of mistrust in information and institutions in the United States than it does about the health of the president.”

Even after proof-of-life had been established, headlines were still teasing the story. “Is Trump OK? White House silent as wild rumors circulate online,” Syracuse.com wrote. Apparently PennLive’s Chief Headline Writer was on holiday, because they basically stole Syracuse.com’s header verbatim: “Where is Donald Trump? Wild rumors swirl around president heading into weekend.”

Rumors are basically toddlers in a Chuck E. Cheese now. Who knew?

The least surprising part? The TDS crowd was gleefully, preemptively celebrating on X, flooding feeds with champagne emojis, dance-GIFs, and endless “ME LIKING EVERY TRUMP IS DEAD TWEET” posts. It was somewhere below a stripper pole in a morgue or Crocs at a wedding on any tastefulness scale. I hope these openly depraved trolls had crisis counselors on hand when POTUS was photographed a few hours later grinning in his golf gear, alive, well, and apparently unconcerned about his trending obituary.

Yes, we breathe the same air as these people.

The Daily Beast couldn’t resist sharing this reassuring post:

Don’t read the comments. Trust me, just don’t.

What else would you expect, I suppose, from a group who just last week was giving POTUS days-to-weeks to live on account of some skin discoloration. These people are so sick they’ve turned presidential mortality into a March Madness bracket. Forget basketball—this is “Deathwatch 2025,” complete with live odds, praying hands emojis, and Rachel Maddow doing color commentary. And every day that the President of the United States doesn’t die, they’re deeply, vocally disappointed.

That’s not politics, that’s pathology.

The left’s obsession with Trump’s health would almost be touching if they hadn’t spent four years pretending not to notice Biden wandering offstage like a lost grandpa at Costco. When the New York Post published fresh photos to prove Trump was “alive and well,” the haters came out swinging. One critic claimed he was “alive but definitely not well,” while another suggested the photos were actually from 2023 (when, interestingly, no one was holding their breath waiting for him to keel over or scrutinizing his capillaries with a magnifying glass).

Peak Trump.

Spoiler: President Donald J. Trump is still alive, libs. And unlike your student loan forgiveness fantasies, so is that reality.

I already know you’re not surprised, but is this normal behavior? LMK what you think in the comments! And happy Labor Day, y’all. Don’t work too hard. :)

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