Astro-nots: Six Elites Spend Nearly Eleven Life-Changing Minutes in Space
Because nothing says "empowerment" like a billion-dollar balloon ride.
When I first saw the photo of Katy Perry dressed like a brunette Judy Jetson posing with a somber-looking yet impeccably groomed girl gang, I genuinely thought it was a still from an SNL skit. “I wonder who that guy playing Gayle King is?” I mused. (I really did.)
Turns out, it wasn’t a parody. The photo was hyping Perry’s participation in Blue Origin’s latest mission to the outer reaches of... mild altitude. The private aerospace company, owned by none other than Jeff Bezos (what is it with billionaires and their rockets these days anyway?) specializes in quick but flashy space travel for the rich and photogenic. Yes, the songstress who famously kissed a girl and liked it and then wrote a song about it and got mega-famous for it was launched a whopping 62 miles above Earth this week—which, for perspective, is almost the exact distance I once walked to fundraise for breast cancer. Also along for the ride were TV personality Gayle King, journalist Lauren Sánchez, and a supporting cast of women who work in STEM and/or are incredibly wealthy and/or have excellent publicists.
The flight lasted almost eleven whole minutes—less time than most women spend in the bathroom line at a Perry concert—and is being hailed as “historic,” a word we apparently now use for anything involving parachutes and a capsule full of influencers. The reason? It featured the first all-female space crew since 1963, a legitimate expedition you may never have even heard about since Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova didn’t return from orbit and post a #SpaceFit selfie on Instagram.
“Katy Perry, Gayle King, Lauren Sánchez, and More Have Officially Traveled to Space,” Elle swooned. The magazine then launched into a tribute to the monumental mission, whose alleged purpose was to lift up other women, encourage middle school girls to pursue STEM careers, and somehow (?) fight gender-based violence while “allowing people to show up authentically in their careers in the future.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Poor “More” (also known as Aisha Bowe, Amanda Nguyen, and Kerianne Flynn, the three relatively-unknowns whose names haven’t graced a single headline heralding this groundbreaking flight). Also, I once microwaved a burrito. I guess I’m Officially a Chef!
In a painful to watch post-launch press conference, the fresh-from-the-not-quite-final-frontier gals gushed about their groundbreaking, transformative trek.
“Profound” is how Sanchez—who in addition to being a space traveler also happens to be Bezos’s fiancée—summed it up. “I was up there and you see Earth, and it’s completely black, but what we got was the moon. And then you look back at the earth, it’s like this beautiful jewel. It was quiet, it felt like it was breathing, it was so alive. Out there, it’s dark. It’s like death. I don’t know, it just made me want [*starts weeping, like, for real*] to come back with an open heart. It really opened me wide open and hopefully I can bring that to other people… and also just protect this planet we’re on. I mean, this is the only one we’ve got.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Has Sanchez never been on an airplane? Like, how far up there do you have to go to feel the breathing and the life and the death and have your heart ripped wide-open like that? Also is this speech giving serious climate change vibes or is it just me?
Perry was not about to be outdone. “I don’t know if I can cry anymore,” she began, adding how much love she has for Mother Earth. “I hope [people] can see the unity that we modeled and replicate that. For me, this wasn’t a ride, it was a journey—and it was a supernatural one. My journey has always been about love and belonging, and I think that we have all felt like sometimes we weren’t worthy or we didn’t belong. Today we all felt like we belong here. I think you’ll never know the amount of love you have inside of you to give and receive… until the day you launch.”
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Did Kamala Harris write that for her? I’ve tried—I promise, I have—to find even a tangential connection between a ten minute, million-dollar joyride and feeling worthy and connected to humanity, but I get nothing. (I don’t think anyone thought that when the pop princess promised to “put the ‘ass’ in astronaut,” she was being literal.) Also, Perry has a child. She’s a mother. But she didn’t know how much love she had to give or receive until she floated in a glorified science fair rocket? Tell me you have prolonged, undiagnosed post-partum depression without telling me you have prolonged, undiagnosed post-partum depression.
The internet was hardly impressed either. Actress Olivia Munn called the jaunt “gluttonous,” broadcaster Megyn Kelly literally couldn’t control her laughter while detailing the intense two-day fake-astronaut training the ladies lived through, and model Emily Ratajkowski described the spectacle as “end-time sh*t” and “beyond parody.” Even The New York Times headlined it “One Giant Stunt for Womankind.”
Despite the icy reception, some media still tried valiantly to hype the voyage. “Katy Perry has returned from space,” @PopCrave solemnly announced on X. In return, fast food giant Wendy’s dropped a supersized diss.
Instead of backpedaling after a decidedly mixed reaction to the tweet, Wendy’s doubled down—launching a #SendHerBack campaign and rewarding any user who replies with the hashtag a free Frosty.
#Savage
And of course the conspiracy theorists were all over it *it’s what we do*, insisting that the suborbital video op was just another Hollywood basement stunt. Why did the door open by itself and where are the re-entry burn marks and why does that look like a fake hand and do you really think the eerie echo of Dr. Evil’s penis rocket was an accident and how come I can’t get Wi-Fi in a grocery store but those [expletives] got full cell service up there? Hardcore tin foil hatters are convinced the Privileged People Tour was actually some sort of satanic ritual, on account of the crew’s matching scuba-spacesuits—designed by Sanchez—bearing what looks suspiciously like a Baphomet head on them, if you’re into that sort of stuff.
Why would they fake such a silly event in the first place? Simply put: optics. They can kill all the DEI programs they want, but we can still put an all-female, racially diverse, and incredibly photogenic lady squad into space! Further, this wasn’t a high-stakes scientific voyage—it was a brief, branded influencer event starring billionaires’ girlfriends and daytime TV royalty. The narrative was less “interstellar breakthrough” and more “content drop.” If anything went wrong? A PR disaster. But fake it with controlled footage and a cloying press conference? You get all the buzz with none of the risk.
In the end, the whole faux-saga felt less like a revolutionary, she-powered cosmic expedition and more like a Met Gala afterparty, but with more floating and fewer snacks. It’s hard not to imagine actual astronauts—who train for years, study orbital mechanics, and risk their lives on real missions—watching this glittery capsule of celebrity tourism and quietly despairing into their freeze-dried jerky. Who could have dreamed the future of space travel would involve swapping rocket science for PR strategy and replacing “the right stuff” with the right stylist.
*I could only have five options (I wanted to include “everything but A” and “other”) so let me know what you thought about Galaxy Quest: Brand Deals and Botox Edition in the comments.
P.S. I am stilllllllllllll going back and forth with change.org over our petition that they killaried. AND GUESS WHAT? Not only have they been refunding the donations you guys gave, they also quietly put the original petition back up. There’s a banner saying it’s technically now “under review” so nobody can sign or share it, but I like to think they’re just a little bit scared of me at this point. Will keep you posted!
P.P.S. If every single person reading this forwarded it to ten other people, I’m no STEM genius, but I bet it would reach a lot of eyeballs. Appreciate you, fam. ;)
IMPORTANT! If you recently upgraded to a paid subscription and haven’t sent me your mailing address for your free book (or haven’t heard from me with a thank you, or both), please email me at myfirstname@myfirstandlastnames.com ASAP. I have books in the house and they’re ready to ship!
It was a test that fillers and breast implants stay intact at zero gravity.
Jenna, I'm so glad you've retained your sense of humor. Quite honestly, I am so incredibly sickened by these disgustingly entitled idiots - they contribute absolutely nothing to humanity, yet think we give a rat's a** about how open, and loving, and CHANGED they were over this charade. I gotta go now. I'm preparing to go to the grocery today, and I have the film crew getting ready to capture all of my FEELINGS as I exit the self-check line.