A Free Book* from Your Funniest Virtual Friend

(I *am* your funniest virtual friend, right?)

*with purchase while supplies last results not guaranteed terms and conditions apply batteries not included valid only in the subcontinental U.S., select unincorporated regions of Greenland, and the Gulf of America

Hi loyal and lovely Jenna’s Side subscribers!

I wanted to take a quick second to express my deepest appreciation for you even being here. Believe me, I know there are a literal zillion Substacks, newsletters, blogs, reels, recipe sites, viral dances, Wordle matches, sportsball tournaments, true crime podcasts, Reddit rabbit holes, oddly satisfying cleaning videos, and cute kitten clips vying for your eyeballs 24/7, and I don’t take a single minute of the time you choose to spend with me for granted.

In fact, that’s exactly why I work harder than a Roomba in a lint factory to make it worth your while.

You see me out here, reading repulsive MSM, text-mining X, googling for gifs, trawling TikTok, mixing up memes, and banging at my keyboard Bryan Adams-style (♫♪♩♬ played it ‘til my fingers bled ♫♪♩♬) for several hours every day in order to bring you fresh, fierce, funny content [likely loaded with lyrical alliteration!] on a relentlessly regular basis.

Actual footage of me at work.

And I see you out there, reading, commenting, sharing, restacking, LOLing [which technically should be LingOL these are the sorts of things that keep me up at night], and above all, being kind and gracious and wonderful toward one another. (People tell me all the time that I have the nicest followers on Substack, and I wholeheartedly do not disagree.) I truly believe that I was put on the Earth to do this work, and I could not do it without you.

Well, I could. But it would suck.

Very few can afford to throw dough at every wordsmith worth his or her salt out here on the web; while I like to think I am special, I also know that we are many. If you’re already helping to keep one (or two hundred) of your favorite freelancers afloat, God bless you and keep you safe and out of the IRS’s way. If you’re not, I thought I’d remind you that for the price of one fancy coffee a month—or two sad gas station ones—you can join the ranks of the divinely-blessed tribe that supports the creative community.

YOU: Um, you said you’d never put your regular content behind a paywall. Why would I buy the cow—not that I’m calling you fat—when I can get the milk for free?

ME: I’m so glad you asked! If you upgrade from professional guest to annual subscriber, you’ll get:

• A signed, personalized copy of Yankee Doodle Soup for the Fringy, Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Conspiracy Theorist's Soul: An uplifting collection of reflections on the wacky state of the world

  

• The deep, lasting satisfaction of knowing you sponsor truth and humor in journalism

• Bragging rights (choose your preference)

  • “Yeah, I pay for things I could get for free. I’m kind of a baller that way.”

  • “I give money to strangers on the internet.” (*Could come in handy if a potential employer asks for your weaknesses in a job interview, for example.)

  • “I’m a patron of the arts. What do you do?”

• Every single benefit I ever add to the paid subscriber perks list (see below) in the future

• The exact same content except *you* get to skip right past the daily solicitations like this one without feeling guilty:

Someday, when I build this up to more than a side hustle, I’d love to scale back at my day job (you know I have one of those, right?) so that I can create additional content exclusively for my generous paid subscribers. They deserve it, and the fact that they’ve chosen to patronize me anyway—knowing they’re not currently getting anything you’re not—literally brings me to my knees in awe and gratitude.

I raised my inarguably phenomenal daughters with a mantra that is hardwired in my heart: What you give to the world, you get back tenfold. It doesn’t have to be money; it can be compliments, kind words, smiles, high fives, hugs, thumbs-ups, or a perfectly-timed “that’s what she said.” It goes both ways, BTW, which is reason alone to avoid caustic keyboard rants, road rage, mean tweets, unprovoked middle finger salutes, sarcastic eye rolls, and general troll energy.

(I get a lot of sarcastic eye rolls. Not gonna lie.)

If you appreciate my efforts and can spare a few bucks, consider it a deposit in the karma bank. If you can’t pony up, no problem. I promise. Sharing is free and helps a metric crap-ton*.

*actual figure

NOTE 1: I’m only sending books to folks who choose the annual option, because not that you would but you could be a clever minx and pay one month and get your book and then cancel, which would mean a) you’re a jerk, and b) I’m in even worse financial shape than when I came up with this idea. And I may not be the world’s best businesswoman, but I do know that worse financial shape is almost never the goal of a product or idea launch.

NOTE 2: If you live outside of the U.S., I will send you the eBook version of Yankee Doodle Soup via Amazon and a keepsake digital photo of my signature hahahahahaha.

NOTE 3: If you choose to upgrade OMG thank you so much I love you I mean it platonically of course please don’t be a creeper, kindly forward your welcome email to me at jenna@jennamccarthy.com along with your mailing address and the name of the person you’d like me to sign your book to, and I’ll get that wrapped up and shipped out ASAP.

NOTE 4: I have no idea how many of you will pull the trigger and I am down to only a handful of books at the moment. I have more on the way but ASAP could mean a few weeks. TIA for your patience.

NOTE 5: If you’re new here, feel free to peruse the archives so you can confirm for yourself that I am both passionate and prolific.

NOTE 6: If you were completely unmoved by this offer but there’s something that would make you reach for your wallet (a monthly members-only group zoom call? exclusive content? the chance to be featured in a “subscriber spotlight” where I interview you so you can plug your own stack/book/business/mission and the rest of my readers can find out how amazing you are?), please LMK in the comments. :)