Who Had "Trump Polishing Clinton's Microphone" on their Bingo Card This Week?

“Big beautiful Bill“ just took on a whole new meaning.

WARNING: This post contains sexually explicit innuendo, emotional overreaction, catastrophic interpretation of idioms, and more than one reference to a presidential package (of the anatomical variety). Reader discretion is advised.

If you so much as sneezed in the direction of social media over the weekend, you already know: The internet was lit. I’m talking straight-up, full-blown, call-the-choir-boys energy.

I was out of town, not checking my phone every point-thirteen-seconds as I normally do. When I picked that thing up after a much-needed hiatus, I had 37 text notifications, all some variation of the same message:

“WAIT, DONALD TRUMP [INSERT-IMPOLITE-TERM-FOR-PERFORMED-FELLATIO ON] BILL CLINTON?!?!?!”

The meme machine wasted no time.

My brain couldn’t even process what I was reading. I might have sprained something rushing to X.

According to the internet, Donald Trump had been caught in an extremely delicate situation with… Bill Clinton.

This airtight Intel was based on an eleven-word email from 2018 in which Jeffrey Epstein’s brother Mark asked—wait for it—whether Vladimir Putin has pictures of “Trump blowing Bubba.”

And that was all it took. One question. Eleven words. Zero context. Not even a winky face emoji. And suddenly the World Wide Web™ was setting itself on fire, shrieking “SEE??? THE EMAILS!!! THE EMAILS!!!” like Paul Revere announcing an incoming cavalry of salacious metaphors.

Calm down, Carol.

The jokes pretty much write themselves.

For starters, are we now taking everything we read in an email as gospel? Because if someone subpoenaed my hard drive, they *might* find messages that contain snippets like “My neighbor fired up his leaf blower at 5 a.m., so if you need me I’ll be busy murdering him,” and “If TSA confiscates my tweezers, someone is going to get a throat punch.” Do I mean these things literally? Of course not. It’s called hyperbole. The internet used to understand this before it started diagnosing figures of speech as federal crimes.

But today? Today, people are treating Epstein-adjacent sarcasm like sworn deposition testimony.

The absurdity is even funnier when you consider the context: the House Oversight Committee just dumped 20,000 Epstein emails, mostly consisting of mundane back-and-forth (“call me,” “I’m with Bannon,” “let’s discuss”), light gossip, and Epstein spitballing ways to take down Trump. In other words, nothing resembling the cinematic smackdown liberals prayed for. Starved for a scandal, the left has collectively decided to hang their entire narrative on a single line from Epstein’s brother suggesting that the Kremlin has a particularly compromising photo of POTUS.

This one never gets old.

Meanwhile, reporters are online screaming, “Trump would literally take us to WAR WITH VENEZUELA to distract from these files!” because why not throw a little international conflict onto the bonfire of delusion? If the emails don’t contain the bombshell they wanted, they’ll improvise one. This is the very crowd that says things like, “Republicans would literally bring back the plague to win an election,” and the word “literally” has never meant less.

The irony, of course, is that the people short-circuiting over this “news” are the same ones who spend half their day tweeting things like, “I’m dead,” “I’m moving to Iceland,” and “I’m suing the universe” because their cold foam wasn’t foamy enough or their Uber driver took the scenic route. But suddenly “blowing Bubba” must be taken with biblical literalism.

Also—and I cannot stress this enough—Bill Clinton’s nickname is Bubba. You know this. I know this. The internet knows this. And yet half of X responded to that email with the energy of a toddler discovering electricity: “WHAT? WHO IS BUBBA?? IS BUBBA BILL?? WHY IS TRUMP BLOWING BUBBA?? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?? EXPLAIN IT SLOWLY I’M FRAGILE.”

What it means is: nobody has any earthly idea. Maybe it was an inside joke. Maybe Epstein’s bro was drunk. Maybe “blowing bubba” is billionaire-speak for “sucking up to a Clinton” or “smiling through a $400,000 charity dinner.” But presumably if he’d written, “Does Putin have Trump by the shoelaces,” millions of people would be Googling “Trump shoelace fetish” right now.

Is she though?

Please do not take my position as denial or defense. I’m not saying politicians in general or Trump in particular aren’t capable of all manner of morally, ethically, cosmically depraved behaviors. I’m simply pointing out that this eleven-word postscript is far from hard evidence of anything.

(See what I did there?)

Despite what the easily-excited internet would have you believe, the only thing these emails prove is that wealthy, morally questionable men send the same kind of overly-dramatic, vaguely inappropriate jokes that normal people do—just with higher stakes and exponential visibility. If anything, this entire meltdown confirms one sad fact: America will canonize absolutely any fragment of text as long as it props up the story they want to tell.

@the_paulmightyAll this makes so much sense now! #trump #clinton #jeffreyepstein #foryoupage #fyp

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So yes, Carol, by all means, keep refreshing your feed. Keep interpreting slang with the seriousness of the Warren Commission. Keep insisting that a single-sentence exchange from 2018 is irrefutable evidence of a deep presidential… um… friendship. If nothing else, it’s great cardio for your outrage reflex.

If we keep this up, next week’s viral headline is going to be:

“BREAKING: TRUMP LITERALLY SETS CONGRESS ON FIRE.”

And Carol will believe it.

You can pre-order The War on Chlorine Dioxide here, and buy Yankee Doodle Soup here.