Warp Speed, Meet Full Stop

Rumor has it Covid vaccines are about to be killaried

Word on the street (okay, technically in The Daily Beast) is that the Trump administration is getting ready to do something… major. Something many of us have been dreaming about for years—something even better, in the grand scheme, than abolishing the income tax entirely, actually draining the swamp, or locking Hillary up for good *not that all of those things wouldn’t be absolutely glorious, too. The whisper is that serious, high-level conversations are happening about finally and fully pulling the COVID vaccines off the U.S. market.

Be still, my fully functioning, mRNA-free, relentlessly hopeful heart.

When I stop to think about how many people fell for this and CONTINUE TO FALL FOR IT, I can see why the Pop-Tarts box says, “remove wrapper before toasting.”

The “exclusive intel” comes via Dr. Aseem Malhotra, British cardiologist, lead advisor to the MAHA Action network (which is “seen as an external arm of Kennedy’s agenda as HHS Secretary” according to the Beast), and part-time thorn in Big Pharma’s side. Malhotra told the outlet that Team Trump is lining up behind Kennedy’s position that the jab is more dangerous than the virus, and that the decision to yank it is basically a matter of paperwork and timing.

Yours truly, Dr. Malhotra, the amazing Dr. Lindsey Miuccio, and my handsome husband’s tiny photobomb head in the background hahahahaha. (Also I am almost positive it’s camera angle trickery making my head appear twice the size of Aseem’s.)

“It could [happen] in a number of stages,” Malhotra explained. “But given the increased talk of vaccine injuries in the past few weeks among the administration, it could also come with one clean decision.”

According to Malhotra, the MAHA crew didn’t just pull their skepticism out of a tinfoil hat—it’s rooted in a 2022 peer-reviewed study published in the journal Vaccine. That paper looked at Pfizer and Moderna’s own clinical trial data and found adults who got the mRNA jab had a 16% higher risk of serious adverse events compared to the placebo group.

Malhotra told the Beast that when he presented the damning study data to Kennedy’s cadre, there was a collective “holy sh*t moment”. (I wasn’t there, but I like to imagine Cheryl Hines scrolling for “smug but tasteful party dresses” shortly afterward.)

“Malhotra is now expected to meet Trump himself in September to push his anti-COVID-19 mRNA vax views,” the digital rag reported, before again quoting the optimistic doctor.

“I think [Trump will] get it, because it’s in his interest to,” Malhotra said. “This information is only going in one direction, and there’s something really terribly wrong with the system. I think once [Trump] understands the situation, that will encourage him to act to change the system. He’s in a position to fix it. He can create a lasting legacy by doing so.”

Is this man a genius or what, playing to Trump’s enormous ego like that? Well played, my friend. Well played.

You’re LingOL. I know you are.

Initially, I was curious why Malhotra (who shared the Beast piece on X with a string of front-facing knuckle-sandwich emojis) chose to open up to a notoriously progressive publication that, in the very same piece, calls RFK Jr. a “scientifically unqualified Kennedy scion,” reminds readers the HHS secretary has been accused of “spreading dangerous misinformation, jeopardizing Americans’ health, and undermining the nation’s readiness for public health crises,” and notes that the study in question has been routinely dismissed by the medical community—something your girl here views as an ironclad affidavit of truth.

The Beast also closes with a White House spokesperson insisting the news is far from official:

“The Administration is relying on Gold Standard Science and is committed to radical transparency to make decisions that affect all Americans. Unless announced by the Administration, however, any discussion about HHS policy should be dismissed as baseless speculation.”

But here’s the reality: Kennedy already canceled $500 million in mRNA development funding. He called the COVID shot “the deadliest vaccine ever made.” Malhotra told the Beast that Bobby’s inner circle is flabbergasted that the jabs are still being distributed at all and that the decision to yank them from the market will come within the next few months… “even if it is likely to cause ‘fear of chaos’ and bring with it major legal ramifications.”

In other words, his allies are clearly testing the waters on the “imminent removal” storyline. And by doing it in enemy territory (the Beast), it legitimizes the leak. (If this story ran in the MAHA Report, it would be more echo-chamber fantasy thinking that normies would never even see.) The seed has been planted. The trap has been set. Let them scoff now—no, really, yuk it up!—because when they’re forced to eat their words later, they’ll be washing them down with the last shred of their credibility. Bon appétit!

Just like certain readers I could name [Hi, Vee!], lots of X users want to know why “in the next few months”? Why not last week? (If you missed it, John Leake wrote a brilliant explanation of the slow roll I encourage you to read and share.)

Others seem to echo my own admittedly fraught feelings: “Yesterday would have been best, today would be great, but I’ll still take tomorrow over never-not-ever.”

And if it actually happens? If the vaccine really gets banished in the very birthplace of Operation Unprecedented Disaster Warp Speed? Well, let’s just say a lot of Kennedy fans are going to be insufferable at dinner parties. I can already hear myself: “What? They recalled the experimental gene therapy bioweapons I warned you about in 2021? Well, I’ll be double-masked and socially distanced!”

(Also who am I kidding? Nobody who would be blindsided by this is inviting me to their dinner parties hahahaha.)

Not a single legacy media outlet has touched the story, of course. (Newsweek and The Indian Express don’t exactly qualify.) And there’s always the chance the whole thing turns out to be another empty dollar-store piñata—all colorful promise, no candy. But if it does go down the way Malhotra is suggesting it will, if Trump really does pull the plug on the greatest crime against humanity in history, the folks wearing masks alone in their cars on their way to their eleventeenth booster better brace themselves for a Category 5 “told you so” storm.

I’ll be the one live-streaming from the eye of it with my infamous resting smug face.

Well? Is this more manufactured hype or the beginning of the end? I know you won’t hold back in the comments. :)

Stock up today and then brag for the next two months that you “already started your holiday shopping.” Win.