When I was pregnant, both times, I wanted a girl. My husband knew it, my friends and family knew it, and boy, did the Almighty know it. (I mean, obviously I prayed for a healthy baby first and foremost, but I also made it clear that I wouldn’t be at all disappointed if my robust little bundle happened to be blessed with indoor plumbing.)
“Be careful what you wish for,” my mom warned, presumably because she’d met me.
My prayers were answered twice, and never—not ever—did I regret it. But between the mean-girl drama, regularly scheduled emotional outbursts, relentless societal pressure, and hormonal swings that made Linda Blair look like she was just checking her blind spot, I often wondered if maybe the boy-moms had drawn the longer straw.
Of course, that was before the dreaded manosphere existed.
According to a recent study and subsequent exposé by HuffPo, mothers of boys as young as five are losing sleep over the possibility their sons will stumble into the vast online abyss where sinister men with ring lights and suspiciously chiseled jawlines are waiting to turn their sweet little angels into raging misogynists.
“It’s literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, because I have to be, I feel like, ready 24/7,” the mother of eight and ten-year-old boys told HuffPo. “I have to remain vigilant every moment I’m around my sons.”
To be clear, this mom’s not fretting about strangers offering candy from unmarked vans, creepy guys peering over bathroom stalls, or one of her kids getting his hands on a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. No, the singular thing she feels pressured to protect her sons from around the literal clock is a loose collection of online communities where men gather to discuss… manliness.
Now. I am not suggesting that parents shouldn’t monitor—and occasionally even freak out about—what their children are accessing on the internet. We live in an age where an innocent YouTube search for cute cat videos can turn into an accidental high-def exploration of the female anatomy. Where predators pose as children in chat rooms. Where the dark web is a genuine thing. Where porn is always just a click away. Where vile, misogynistic men are turning contempt for women into a ridiculously lucrative business model. But somewhere between basic internet safety and the war on testosterone, things seem to have gone a little sideways.
In the abovementioned study, tediously titled Following Manosphere Influencers and Endorsement of Traditional Masculinity Beliefs Among Adolescent Boys, researchers surveyed 601 boys between 13 and 17 about their social media habits, their thoughts on masculinity in general, and how their parents or guardians portrayed gender at home. The teens were also asked if they followed two “controversial manosphere figures” specifically—Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson.
You did not just experience an aneurysm. Yes, the “researchers” chose a self-proclaimed misogynist currently sitting in a federal detention center facing sex trafficking, assault, and rape charges, and [*checks notes*] an author and psychologist famous for urging young men to take responsibility for their lives, develop discipline, find purpose, and—for the love of God—clean their rooms.
Friends, I think we have identified the problem. Because when Jordan Peterson sets off the same alarm bells as Andrew Tate, we are no longer teaching our boys to avoid toxic masculinity. We’ve made factory-default Y-chromosome behavior the boogeyman.
Back in my day [*resists the urge to pull a gently used Kleenex from sleeve and add Sonny*], boys were encouraged to be brave, strong, ambitious, and protective. We wanted them to stand up for themselves (and us!), work hard, take risks, and grow up to be the sort of men who could support a family, change a tire, and investigate the suspicious noise downstairs without asking their wives to go first. Today, boys are taught to name their emotions, embrace their vulnerabilities, apologize for their hormones, and seek professional help if they experience an uncomfortable urge to kick, punch, or wrestle something.
Let me be spectacularly clear: the last man on the planet I’d want my hypothetical son getting his dating advice from is Andrew Tate. The dude makes Howard Stern look like a radical feminist revolutionary. He believes women who are raped are at least partially responsible for it, insists that wives are the literal property of their husbands, and teaches men how to seduce and monetize women. (At one point, he actually offered a “PhD Program”—short for “Pimping Hoes Degree”—and no, I am not making that up. I’m assuming the graduation ceremony is not something you invite Grandma to.) My online thesaurus is fresh out of synonyms for reprehensible.
But “ewwww, gross” only gets us so far. Obviously, there’s no shortage of abhorrent content—or odious creators—on the internet. (SIDEBAR: I’d totally send my pretend-son to Jordan Peterson University.) And I can’t help but wonder if the parents wringing their hands over Tate’s popularity have ever stopped to consider why boys might find him appealing in the first place.
Because for years, the cultural left has exhausted itself—and the rest of us—vilifying “traditional gender roles,” condemning the patriarchy, policing masculine behavior, struggling to define the word woman (when science can do it in two letters), and insisting that gender itself is an infinitely malleable concept.
And then along comes Andrew Tate, flaunting his wealth, flexing his muscles, and insisting that real men are rich, ruthless takers who never, ever apologize. “Oh, okay,” some confused 14-year-old thinks. “I guess that’s what a man looks like.”
Of course, it’s not. It’s what’s left when you strip away everything that makes masculinity admirable: courage, integrity, chivalry, self-restraint, and respect for women. But after years of hearing about all the many ways men have made the world a miserable place, is it really any surprise some boys will anoint as their hero anyone who tells them that being male isn’t the chromosomal equivalent of herpes?
In all transparency, that’s my hypothesis—not the study’s conclusion. (What the study actually found was that boys who follow masculine influencers tend to have traditional ideas about masculinity. No word on how much research funding it took to reach that stunning conclusion.) But if we’re going to ask boys what they’re learning about manhood, surely we can ask ourselves what we’re offering them besides a list of things not to be that starts with Andrew Tate and ends with Jordan Peterson.
I’m certainly not suggesting that you have to be a wood-splitting, kettlebell-swinging, raw-steak-eating lumberjack who shaves with a hunting knife to earn a Man Card (although that does happen to be my preferred brand of male, ahem). Driving a Lambo or walking a Rottweiler doesn’t make you tough any more than crying at a funeral or cuddling a kitten makes you a pussy. But I have to believe there’s some middle ground between a chest-thumping neanderthal with a podcast and a guy who needs a safe space to process his feelings every time someone raises their voice.
Having daughters was both harder and more rewarding than I ever could have imagined. It’s also given me a pretty compelling interest in how other people are raising their sons. Because I want my girls to marry men who can operate a drill, kill a snake, fix a leaky faucet, shut down a bully, wrestle a bear, and shoot the wings off a mosquito at fifty yards. Men who know that being strong doesn’t mean being a jackass, respecting women doesn’t require surrendering their testicles, and the urge to protect and defend isn’t a psychiatric disorder requiring medication.
And if something goes bump in the night, I want my strapping future sons-in-law grabbing a baseball bat or a gun—not handing my daughters a flashlight and wishing them luck.
POLL REDUX FOR FINICKY PHONES:
What’s the biggest problem facing boys today?
Too much toxic masculinity.
Not enough healthy masculinity.
Too much screen time.
Too much coddling.
*COMBO/unsure/other
My son wrote in his first year at university when at orientation (can't remember the exact question) I'm sick and tired of being told I'm a potential rapist because I'm a man and a racist because I'm white. Can you imagine what that feels like at age 18?
I think toxic LACK of masculinity is a far bigger problem. The “male” who is 5’8”, 130lbs, has full sleeve and neck tattoos, face piercings, and talks about Che has no idea what a man or woman is.
It’s not just liberal women who are the problem. Liberal men are just as big of one.