The Fascist is Back

(Cue the epic meltdowns.)

I’m not gonna lie to my loyal, lovely followers: Yesterday was as wondrous as Tuesday was handwringing. When I tell you that I did not sleep a single wink on Election Night, I am not being dramatic. I had at least two dozen text strings going nonstop, which I was checking between refreshing a dozen different results sites, scrolling X for insights and predictions, and trying in vain to moderate my merciless optimism—lest it come back and smack me in the ass in the cold light of morning.

At around 3:30 AM, when Kamala’s final, unlikely path to victory was officially obliterated, I did something I haven’t done since I was a child: I got on my literal knees, bowed my head, and prayed. My litany wasn’t please God let me not be hallucinating and don’t let them pull any of their sneaky shenanigans again; it was pure gratitude. Thank you, God, for favoring truth over lies; for rewarding courage and not false virtue; for giving this glorious country and its people another chance. The only thing I asked of Him was to comfort the shattered, brainwashed K-Hive who right that very minute, I acknowledged, genuinely believed the US had just elected Hitler reincarnate to be their racist, misogynistic, xenophobic Führer, and to show them (quickly, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, TIA) how desperately wrong they were.

Trump’s “shocking victory” [they spelled landslide wrong] had media britches in a twist.

God’s going to be busier than Diddy’s legal team for the next several months, minimum. In case you haven’t crawled out of your celebratory den yet,

Libs. Are. Melting.

The Guardian article above reads like a disappointed parent scolding the family feck-up why can’t you just be more like your noble, magnanimous, selfless sister?

Donald Trump’s shocking victory in the 2016 US presidential election was described as a leap into the political unknown. This time there is no excuse. America knew that he was a convicted criminal, serial liar and racist demagogue who four years ago attempted to overthrow the government. It voted for him anyway.

The result is a catastrophe for the world. It saw Kamala Harris’s competence and expertise, her decency and grace, her potential to be the first female president in America’s 248-year history. It also saw Trump’s venality and vulgarity, his crass insults and crude populism, his dehumanisation of immigrants that echoed Adolf Hitler. And the world asked: how is this race even close?

Like countless other outlets, CBS ran a clip of a bewildered talking head wondering confusedly how on earth Donald Trump could have won the election. (“Well, he got more votes than she did,” explained Chief Political Analyst John Dickerson helpfully, before adding Trump’s appeal was built around “disliking elites and experts and fancy pants people who tell you what to do with your life when you want more freedom.” What a bunch of ignorant redneck refuse.)

Candace Owens hilariously teased the morning show meltdown any thinking person could have predicted.

The View co-host Alyssa Farah Griffin, clearly experiencing the same sort of dismay as Dickerson, acknowledged somberly, "I think we forget about rural America. I think the working class feels left behind. They feel like the powerful, the elite, only care about them[selves] and their power. And [Trump] spoke to them. We may not have liked his words, but they turned out for him. I mean, the map was… it was beyond Reagan what we saw last night."

(According to ChatGPT, Griffin earns more than $200K a year for such profound pontifications on The View alone, so her conclusion was more than a tiny bit tone deaf. Although in the part-time CNN political commentator’s defense, she did call Trump voters “good, decent people who are patriots and love this country” and highlighted the urgent need to “bring down the temperature, the name calling, the demonizing.” )

Griffin’s co-host Sunny Hostin is “worried about mass deportation and internment camps” and “thinks our healthcare system is at risk” (hahahahaha oh, honey), a statement Joyless Behar responded to with an angry fist shake and “no fluoride for anyone!”

Can you believe that ruthless dictator wants to take away our fluoride?

They’ve actually been hypnotized by their own hype. It’s painful, albeit fascinating, to watch.

According to FOX News, Trump’s victory “sent Hollywood into a tailspin,” a violent tsunami that included Christina Applegate dramatically announcing her departure from X and Cardi B expressing her election outcome disappointment in her typically classy, eloquent way.

No word yet on how the international house-hunt is going for Amy Schumer, Jon Stewart, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, Lena Dunham, Miley Cyrus, Chelsea Handler, or Cher.

Facebook was literally unconsolable. Even though my own feed features far more folks who feel the way I do than otherwise thanks to natural selection, the I-may-never-ever-recover posts were still plentiful. Some people were woebegone, several were furious, a few were downright rude.

I know, I should not comment.

And over on Instagram, this guy is not okay. (Adult language warning.)

thecarnivoreuk

A post shared by @thecarnivoreuk

For people like me and many if not most of you, the heartbreak is unfathomable. Recall, if you will, that WEF puppet Yuval Noah Harari warned that a second Trump term would likely be the death blow to what remains of the global order. I mean, sorry you won’t be able to virtue-signal your perfect social credit score or boast about your fundraiser for the war du jour on Facebook; LMK if you want to borrow my weighted blanket.

Within hours of the surprise landslide, Hamas called for an immediate end to the war in Gaza. US stocks soared to record highs. Social media is abuzz with excitement over RFK Jr.’s Policies for the People (a website you literally cannot find using Google), an open source platform where Americans can propose and vote on everything from congressional term limits and expanding insurance coverage to include holistic health to forbidding pharma advertising on TV and banning mRNA. Kennedy, I have no doubt, is going to fix our broken sickcare system and make America [the willing portion, at least] healthy again.

Who’s the guru? Basically a toss-up hahahahahaha.

Despite my unbridled delight at the election outcome, I know the transition isn’t going to be easy. I plan to spend this period trying not to gloat openly, doing my best to ignore the online vitriol, and praying the next four years will be an I-told-ya-so even bigger than the one that came after Covid. Tell me how you’re feeling in the comments.

I hope book sales don’t dry up now that my people don’t need a pick-me-up.