Reign Check: King-Sized Protests Ahead

(*POTUS and the not-so-quiet riots" would make an excellent band name)

Newsflash for my many readers who have completely forsaken all “media” outlets except this one: LA is on fire. Again. Not metaphorically. Not spiritually. Literally. Think stores ransacked, cars torched, and graffiti that reads like a middle schooler's manifesto scrawled across businesses that hadn’t even reopened after the last round of “peaceful” protests yet.

It all started when ICE, which stands for Immigration and Customs Enforcement in case you forgot that for a minute, decided to do that thing it exists to do—it’s right there in its name!—and round up folks living in the country illegally. In response to this atrocious abuse of presidential power (?), outraged protestors peacefully set cars on fire, calmly assaulted ICE agents by tranquilly throwing rocks and commercial grade fireworks at them, and serenely slashed tires, smashed windows, and defaced buildings.

My not-shocking synopsis: the people who are fighting to protect criminals are also big fans of violent crime. What’s the word for the opposite of irony, anyway?

I’ll be here all week!

In an effort to minimize the mayhem, Trump broke out Title 10 and deployed thousands of National Guard troops and active-duty U.S. Marines to Tinseltown. It’s like when your mom would send your dad down to the basement to tell you and your rowdy, obnoxious friends to pipe the eff down already. You know, a move any functioning adult would call “governing”—and nothing triggers the left more than Trump doing his actual job. Liberals are calling it unchecked tyranny, while Trump supporters are like, “Finally, someone showed up with pants and a plan.”

Cue Gavin Newsom melting down on social media, screaming that nobody asked for any help with the literal and figurative dumpster fire that is LA and calling the deployment of troops the fulfillment of “the deranged fantasy of a dictatorial president.”

I think he pronounced “his oath of office” wrong.

LA Police Chief McDonnell says the protests have been savage and destructive from the get-go, calling the violence “disgusting,” and “getting increasingly worse.”

Riverside County Sheriff Chad Bianco gave the greasy governor a piece of his mind in a taped statement, fuming, “Governor Newsom needs to put his phone down, go sit in his house behind the comfort of his TV screen and a couch and be quiet because he is doing nothing but fueling this process. He needs to stay out of law enforcement; he knows nothing about this. He has enabled this lawless act that is going on right now. This has been years in the making that he has encouraged. Quite frankly, I don’t care what he says. He says everything for his own personal gain and we are suffering the consequences.”

The media: “Believe what we tell you, not your own eyes.”

Newscum is now suing the Trump administration, arguing that they had no authority to override state sovereignty. According to MSNBC, “The difficulty facing California’s lawsuit is that federal law appears to give not just President Trump, but any president, broad authority to federalize the National Guard, whether or not a governor wants him to do so.” In other words, sorry, boo, but King Tweetalot’s the boss of you.

The brouhaha is far from over—or limited to Los Angeles. Which brings us to this Saturday, June 14, formerly known as Flag Day. It also happens to be Donald Trump’s birthday, when he will be hosting a military parade in honor of the U.S. Army’s 250th anniversary. But this year, the basement-dwelling anarchists (and the NGOs who fund them) have declared it “No Kings Day”—because apparently, sending in the cavalry to stop a city from being ravaged is the same thing as ordering yourself a bedazzled crown and changing your monogram to HRH.

“On June 14th, we rise up,” the No Kings website instructs before directing visitors to a handy map where they can find a convenient riot—maybe one near a Starbucks with ample free parking—in their area. While you’re perusing the site, you can sign up for tonight’s “No Kings Marshal Training,” which promises to “equip you with essential skills for a smooth and secure mobilization, covering practical tips on crowd management, incident response, and key safety protocols.”

Them: “These are peaceful protests!”
Also them: “Here’s how to use a taser, protect your private parts from sharp objects, and build a barricade out of recycling bins. Okay, who’d like to demonstrate Stop, Drop, and Roll?”

The theories online are wild—and sort of terrifying. It’s another George Soros production. It’s civil war being organized and promoted by violent radicals. Pallets of bricks are being delivered to key riot cities. Dozens (hundreds) of people have posted screenshots of a Craigslist ad (which has since been removed) offering up to $12,500 a week to “the toughest basdasses in Los Angeles,” specifically men who possess exceptional physical strength and mental toughness; military experience a plus (no Marines, too messy, thanks for understanding)! That one turned out to be a prank, according to the AP, who would never run a “that was just a prank!” cover story for anyone, ever.

Rachel Maddow was barely able to contain her glee over the weekend festivities, frothing over “the next very large day of protest against President Trump and what Trump is doing to the country… even as Trump panics and inexplicably calls in the military over protests in Los Angeles.”

A memo to Ms. Maddow: Stonehenge is inexplicable. Who filmed Neil Armstrong stepping onto the moon is inexplicable. Why printers only jam when you’re in a rush, where wayward socks actually go when you put two into the washer and only one comes out, and the fact that bananas are berries but strawberries aren’t? Inexplicable. But a sitting president sending in armed backup when lunatics are torching and looting their own towns shouldn’t be confusing to anyone with above-amoeba intelligence. It should be common sense.

Maddow ended her triumphant update on a giddy note. “Of the 1,800 planned rallies, more than 100 of those have been added since Trump announced he was sending the National Guard into LA,” TV’s most annoying talking head smirked. “If he was hoping to get people to not protest, it’s backfiring!” Squee!

But the left can’t help themselves. They love nothing more than cosplay for a cause—throw in an official website, a social media profile photo frame, literal marching orders, and a catchy slogan (“Trans rights are human rights!”), and they’re there. Expect to see protesters this Saturday wearing dollar-store tiaras, holding signs that say “NO THRONE ZONE” and chanting slogans like “Down with Tyranny! Up with UBI!” Oh, and you know there will be at least one riot enthusiast with blue hair and a nose ring dressed like George Washington and holding a sign that says, “Trump isn’t my daddy.”

She was SO proud of this sign.

The irony is richer than a Clinton speech fee. These are the same folks who applauded when entire police precincts were burned to the ground in 2020—you know, because of justice. The same ones who insisted the BLM riots were “mostly peaceful,” even as cars smoldered in the background and business owners stood in tears outside their destroyed shops.

Let’s be clear: nobody in this country wants a king. Trump wasn’t born into the presidency—the overwhelming majority of Americans elected him. He doesn’t joust or hold fancy banquets; he signs executive orders, gives speeches, and tweets at 3 a.m. The White House doesn’t even have a moat. And the last time I checked, bringing in the military to stop people from destroying public property is literally in his job description.

And I’ll remind folks, the central issue at heart is the deportation of illegal immigrants. And although Trump fancies himself the most ruthless Deportation Czar in history, he expelled just 1.5 million illegals in his first term. “In comparison, during Barack Obama’s presidency from 2009 to 2017, there were five million deportations, while George W. Bush’s tenure saw 10 million, and Bill Clinton’s administration reached 12 million,” El Pais reports.

But hey, let’s not let facts get in the way of a good tantrum. Light your sage, grab your bullhorn, and scream “fascist!” at anyone in a uniform. Just be sure to livestream it so your followers in Oregon can flood you with heart emojis. Happy “No Kings Day,” you sad, misguided drama muffins. Try not to trip over your own irony.

Has everyone put up your civil war decorations yet? LMK your thoughts in the comments.