New Epstein Dump Is a Doozie

Who had "Bill Gates gets an STD" on their bingo card this week?

The latest Epstein document dump landed over the weekend, and if you didn’t feel the earth shift under your feet, it’s only because it seems we’ve all become tragically desensitized to elite rot. This installment features three million documents—just half of the six million the government reportedly has left, despite months of confident assurances that “everything had already been revealed.”

In a plot twist that wouldn’t exactly land anyone an Oscar for innovative scriptwriting, the DOJ immediately chirped, “so that ought to do it then!” while Democratic lawmakers threatened impeachment if the remaining three million files aren’t promptly handed over.

Exactly how long are we going to play this stupid game, anyway?

(I know, Vee. Forever—and that’s the point.)

But for now, let’s focus on what was actually in this avalanche, because it’s pure chaos.

First there’s Elon Musk begging Epstein to invite him to the island in 2012—several years after the deceased pedophile had been found guilty of sex crimes involving a minor. Apparently FOMO doesn’t care about felony convictions.

Please do not MISINTERPRET this, okay?

Musk spent much of the weekend on X trying to do damage control. “I had very little correspondence with Epstein and declined repeated invitations to go to his island or fly on his ‘Lolita Express,’” he wrote, “but was well aware that some email correspondence with him could be misinterpreted and used by detractors to smear my name.”

There’s also the suggestion that Epstein had Ghislaine Maxwell tell Musk that they were “shutting down the whole operation.” (Was he too weird even for them?)

Musk is certainly not the only billionaire who had a bad weekend. Emails imply that Bill Gates himself—Mr. Sensible Sweater, Mr. Global Health, Mr. Bug Burgers Over Cow Farts, Mr. Protect the Children—managed to pick up a nasty STD after partying with some of Epstein’s girls, and that he then asked Epstein to help him get some antibiotics he could “surreptitiously give to Melinda.” Despicable, sure, but also a lot less likely to get you clobbered than, “Trip was great, hon. Actually, I have a funny story… but first, have a Tic Tac.”

Yes, the email is literally Epstein writing to Epstein like a teenage girl documenting in her diary, so it doesn’t prove anything—but you have to admit the stealth-antibiotics plot is peak Gates: clandestine administration, zero ethics, and absolutely terrible PR. It’s also worth nothing that Melinda Gates called her then-husband’s relationship with Epstein a significant contributing factor to their divorce, which doesn’t hurt the story’s street cred.

Gates is calling the accusations “absolutely absurd and completely false,” because did you expect him to just confess?

And then there’s Bill “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” Clinton, a man still maintaining that he “hardly knew” Maxwell or Epstein; the same one currently facing contempt charges for blowing off a bipartisan Epstein subpoena. This dump dropped even more photos of Clinton hanging out with apparent near-strangers, plus allegations of deeply disturbing acts involving “ritualistic sacrifice.” (Trigger warning: the descriptions are not for the faint of heart.) And, of course, there are the damning emails—the bane of the Clinton family existence!—including one from Maxwell to Bill complimenting, well, the size of his manhood.

CLINTON: Those emails are nothing but lies! All of them except the one!

Also, apparently the intern-loving impeached former president has only ever sent two emails in his entire life, and neither of them was to Epstein. So.

X was all atwitter over the mother of New York’s socialist mayor making a few guest appearances…

… but the photos turned out to be AI deepfakes. Although Mamdani’s mother, film director Maria Nair, was name-dropped in the dump, it was a quick mention of an after party for one of her films. Nothing super scandalous or suggesting Epstein is Zohran’s baby daddy, like social media was wildly speculating after seeing the fake photos.

“Reminds me of all the photos of Margaret Trudeau holding baby Justin alongside Fidel Castro,” one X user wrote. I mean, it does make for a juicy post.

And then there are the pizza references. According to several X users, 911 of them to be exact. The original “pizzagate” exposer Liz Crokin was on it.

Nothing sketchy here at all.

And finally, also among the newly released files is a list of graphic, horrifying, truly unprintable sexual abuse accusations—involving minors, no less—aimed at President Donald Trump. And while the left was dutifully resharing the same screenshots all over X, the problem is these “accusations” were not taken from sworn testimony, authenticated emails, or official subpoenas, but entries from an anonymous DOJ tip line that literally anyone could dial into. Think bomb-threat kid calling from the payphone outside the gym, not verified witnesses. Nameless claims. Not matched to logs, not supported by travel records or emails or photos.

And the kicker? Every one of those claims was found to be unsubstantiated, with several callers unreachable, deceased, or previously flagged for unreliable or delusional reports. In other words, the big “Trump gotcha!” in this batch is basically the discarded spam folder of the Epstein investigation. (Although the deceased part is admittedly concerning.)

A Justice Department press release also said that the tranche of files may include “fake or falsely submitted images, documents or videos, as everything that was sent to the FBI by the public was included in the production that is responsive to the Act.”

“Some of the documents contain untrue and sensationalist claims against President Trump that were submitted to the FBI right before the 2020 election,” the release continued. “To be clear, the claims are unfounded and false, and if they have a shred of credibility, they certainly would have been weaponized against President Trump already.”

This is not a Trump defense, just the boring reality of what’s actually in the files. Compared to the claims surrounding Musk, Gates, and Clinton, it’s almost funny—like everyone else had FBI depositions and photos and paper trails and flight logs, and Trump got… prank phone calls.

Lest anyone forget.

“It is unclear why the investigators put together the summary, which includes accusations of sexual abuse by Mr. Epstein and Mr. Trump,” The New York Times admitted. “The emails did not include any corroborating evidence, and The New York Times is not describing the details of the unverified claims.”

Big of them.

And there was so, so much more. “Longevity doctor,” mega-podcaster, and new CBS darling Peter Attia sharing super-sketchy emails with Epstein all the way up until his arrest. Former duchess Sarah Ferguson calling Epstein a “legend” and pleading with him to marry her—again, after he was officially a convicted pedophile. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick planning a trip to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island in 2012, long after he insisted he cut ties. At this point, the only people missing are Dr. Phil and the Olsen twins.

Looks like my Mother of the Year title is not at risk.

Here’s the scary part: X has become a minefield of doctored, out-of-context, AI-generated, click bait-y, and otherwise flat-out fake Epstein “receipts.” From what I can glean at this point, the only universal truth in this entire mess is that everybody—and I mean everybody—has lied about how close they were to Jeffrey Epstein.

What we do with any of this is anyone’s guess. Prosecutions? Unlikely. Accountability? Don’t hold your breath. But at least we’re finally getting to see the files everyone swore didn’t exist—and they’re every bit as grotesque, surreal, and power-polluted as we suspected.

God only knows what could be left in the remaining three million records—or how much group therapy we’re all going need if they ever actually release them.

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