Liberals Have Cracked the MAGA Code

Guys, they're onto us. We're going to have to start speaking in tongues.

Happy Labor Day to my favorite readers on the planet! I rarely take a day off (technically I’m writing today; that post will run tomorrow), but I decided if everyone else gets an extra day this weekend, I deserve one, too.

So I am recycling this post, which was originally reserved for generous paid subscribers. I hope you enjoy it, and that it makes you never want to miss a single word I write, and that you subscribe to me for life.

Enjoy not laboring and see you back here tomorrow!

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In my anthology Yankee Doodle Soup for the Fringy, Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Conspiracy Theorist’s Soul (which you can buy here or get for free with a paid annual subscription, ahem), my BFF Erin Cole wrote an objectively hilarious essay about being a conservative woman thrust back into the dating pool during the pandemic. It was filled with surreptitious language like “loves America,” “low taxes,” and “not into groupthink.” Subtle stuff. Very Da Vinci Code.

“You couldn’t just come out and say, ‘Anti-vax right-winger seeking pureblood homesteader’ in your dating profile,” Erin explained. “There was a whole new language to learn. ‘Traditional values’ meant ‘Whatever you do, do not talk to me about gender-affirming care.’ ‘Loves the outdoors’ meant ‘Lady, it’s just you and me in a yurt somewhere, escaping the matrix and living off the grid.’ You looked for clues like ‘hobbies include hunting, fishing, not talking about climate change, and going to church.’ A quote from Ben Shapiro could make a girl weak in the knees; a sideways whisper of Greta Thunberg meant instant, hard pass. ‘Willing to murder’ got moved from the con to the pro column. ‘Nice guns’ took on a whole new meaning.”

Well, you’re not going to believe this, but HuffPo just dropped a groundbreaking bit of investigative journalism in which a group of Very Online Experts™ have bravely cracked the real MAGA code.

They’re not referring to the loud, obvious MAGA trappings—the hats, the flags, the yard signs, the “Trump 2028” bumper stickers. No. This is the stealth layer. The secret language. The whispered signals only highly trained digital anthropologists can detect.

Phrases like:

• “Family values”

• “Merit-based system”

• “Protect women”

I’m sorry—what? That’s not code. That’s… the platform.

Sorry if you are unable to ever unsee the top half.

This would be like writing an exposé revealing that vegans often say “I don’t eat meat” and presenting it as a covert communication network. You didn’t decode anything, Sherlock. You overheard someone order the tofu scramble for breakfast.

The very best part is their big opener, the tippy-top clue you’ve encountered a card-carrying Trumper: “I don’t know about all that.” Yes, a willingness to declare oneself a nonexpert is being trotted out like some kind of sleeper-cell activation phrase, when in reality it’s what every human being says when they’re either unconvinced, uninterested, or trying to get out of a conversation with a cousin who just brought up gender theory between bites of mashed potatoes.

“‘I don’t know about all that’ is a very MAGA-coded phrase,” said Anna Connelly, a political content creator based in Minnesota [because of course she is]. If someone is talking to their family and giving them facts around one of the many divisive topics that divide MAGA supporters and non-MAGA folks, “you’ll always hear, ‘Oh, well, I don’t know about all that,’” Connelly added.

All is doing a lot of work there, apparently.

But sure. Let’s pretend this is encrypted messaging. Let’s pretend conservatives are out here tapping our noses and saying “traditional family values” like it’s a password to get into a secret bunker, and not something politicians have been shouting from pulpits for thirty years.

What’s unintentionally hysterical is the confidence—the absolute certainty that they have uncovered something. That there is a hidden layer beneath these phrases, and that the liberal army, equipped with nothing but a microphone and an unnatural grasp of the obvious, have finally pulled back the curtain.

“All this misinformation, all of these dog whistles or MAGA-coded things, they lack nuance and they prey on your emotions,” explained [another] political content creator Jess Britvich. “They’re usually trying to portray some fear of the ‘other,’ which is one of the worst human emotions I think there is.”

So to be clear, MAGA is out there trying to “portray some fear of the ‘other’ by openly supporting the historic definition of marriage and disqualifying themselves from certain conversations, while outlets like HuffPo are somehow trying to counter this by… diligently circulating handy field guides for spotting the ‘other’ in the wild? The irony is doing laps around the building.

Apparently, HuffPo was not the first to decrypt MAGA messaging.

Equally amusing is the very same outlet has already helpfully outlined what they call “MAGA-coded clothing” (presumably anything tweed, shift dresses, prairie dresses, puffy sleeves, luxury handbags, nude heels, and—wait for it—large cross necklaces), “MAGA girlie makeup” (poorly lined lips, clumpy mascara, and cakey, orange-y foundation—apologies to my fellow MAGA girlies for not representing; I honestly had no idea), and Mar-A-Lago Face (achieved through a combination of facelift, eyelid lift, fillers, Botox, laser treatments, jaw implants, blonde hair extensions, and chalk-white veneers). HuffPo is out there bending over backward to make sure their readers never have to accidentally talk to or interact with a Republican again.

(Imagine their surprise when I sneak up on them with my pink hair, leopard-print cardigan, pleather T.J. Maxx purse, and filler-free, surgically-untouched face!)

If we’re going to lovingly publish manifestos on how to identify members of a political group based on the things they say out loud in public—their clothing and makeup choices will have to be another post entirely—I would like to submit my own modest contribution:

How To Spot A Liberal (Beginner Level, Audio Only)

If you hear:

• “My body, my choice.”

• “No human is illegal.”

• “Silence is violence.”

• “Believe women.”

• “Trans rights are human rights.”

• “No kings.”

Congratulations. You have encountered a liberal. Approach with caution.

Based on the HuffPo methodology, I will now explain what these phrases really mean, because obviously they are not what they appear to be.

“My body, my choice” is not, in fact, a universally applied principle about bodily autonomy, but a very specific argument about abortion that does not extend to, say, vaccine mandates. That one falls under, “my body, Uncle Sam’s choice.” Different brochure.

“No human is illegal” sounds inclusive… until you realize it’s leftspeak for “Just because someone is living somewhere—technically and by the term’s very legal definition—illegally, saying that out loud is rude and insensitive. Just stop.”

“Silence is violence” is a phrase that, taken literally, would suggest that not speaking is equivalent to a vicious attack, which is a bold way to describe someone who has chosen to mind their own business.

“Believe women” is again, a great slogan, unless you’re under the impression it means “believe all women in all circumstances without question,” when, in fact, under no circumstances are you to believe women who claim to be offended by biological men in dresses invading their spaces. Check your privilege.

“Trans rights are human rights” is tricky. It implies that all humans have the same rights, when it actually means trans rights trump all other humans’ rights. Remember kids, all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares.

“No kings” is presented as a rejection of unchecked power… by the people who cheered when your business was shuttered, your bodily autonomy was violated, and you couldn’t get into the concert without showing your papers. Mkay.

Now that we’ve all got our double-sided decoder rings and know exactly what the other side really means when they say basic, everyday phrases, I guess we can go back to arguing about climate change and debating the 2020 election results.