Liberals Finally Figured Out How Trump Won (Again)

Hint: I promise you, it's not what you think.

Have you ever watched a toddler playing with one of those shape-sorting cubes—the kind that has triangle, circle, square, and star-shaped holes on every surface and the tot is given triangle, circle, square, and star-shaped blocks he’s supposed to fit, puzzle-like, into the matching openings? On the parental torture scale, watching a clumsy chunkmuffin struggling to perform this simple task that you could do with your eyes closed while simultaneously putting stockings on an octopus has to rank up there with diaper blowouts at cruising altitude and stepping on Legos.

Oh my goodness, Moonbeam, not the star in the triangle hole again! Remember, we tried that already and it didn’t work? Maybe try the star in the star hole. No, not sideways! START WITH THE FLAT SIDE! Here, let me show you. See how easy that was? And the circle goes here and the square goes there and the triangle fits right—What’s the matter, precious? Why are you screaming bloody murder? Do you need a snack? Are you tired? Maybe let’s put this away. You can watch some nice PAW Patrol while Mommy pours herself a glass of grown-up juice.

That flashback instantly springs to mind whenever I see or hear another Democrat declaring that they’ve figured out—this time for real—the bloody brain teaser that is how Donald Trump managed to win another election. Lefty loons have been floating all manner of theories since the (second) “shocking victory” was announced (Satellites! Tim Walz! Racial identity! Call Her Daddy!), but the latest one seriously had me LingOL.

Are you ready?

Bad comedy.

I am not making that up. In an interview in [the shiniest turd in the journalism litterbox], late night host Jimmy Kimmel argued that the progressive cancel culture that punished comics like Dave Chappelle, Ricky Gervais, and Bill Burr for “telling it like it is” is what ultimately convinced Americans to elect a felon. “I think these liberals who’ve done such a good job of viciously attacking comedians are a big part of the reason why Trump is the president right now,” the satirist insisted (sincerely).

In case you missed the gist, Kimmel believes it wasn’t the economy, or the border, or the push to rename half of the populace “birthing persons” that tipped the election scales in Trump’s favor. It wasn’t inflation. Or the fentanyl crisis. Or the left’s best and brightest getting lost on his way to the podium or his inability to stay upright on a bike that’s not even moving. It wasn’t even the bonus gift-with-purchase of getting a Kennedy back in the White House. Don’t be silly. It was the blacklisting of comedians that sent scores of lifelong Democrats sprinting into formerly enemy territory. That’s what the jackass donkey party gets for trying to cancel Chappelle.

Daily I see clips of crazies violently, crudely losing it at the mere sight of a MAGA hat [adult language warning] and acting in ways that make unhinged Britney Spears seem stable. Should it surprise anyone then that this tone-deaf theory is coming from the side that wants to allow 12-year-olds to make irreversible medical decisions without their parents’ knowledge or consent and furiously protests the removal of undocumented murderers from our country?

Note to Jimmy: Trump didn’t win because Bill Burr said something spicy. He didn’t win because your party tried to defund the Fun Police. He didn’t win because JD Vance was less awful than Tim Walz or because your side lied about everything from the laptop from hell and the origins of Covid to the Big Guy’s obvious mental decline and Kamala’s McDonalds career, or even because overnight and in unison, your entire fanatical faction agreed to outsource the definition of the word woman to a feelings committee. Trump won because Democrats preached climate change from private jets, ignored widespread, violent migrant crime, and tried to turn preschool story time into a nationwide ‘Am I Queer’ workshop. He won because people care about the economy and national security and protecting women in sports (and in life). He won because DEI is dumb and DOGE was decades overdue and the swamp is real—and it needed a commercial-grade draining. He won because Americans are tired of funding terrorist organizations and foreign wars that nobody ever wins. He won because when you paid influencers to support you and tech bros to silence us while labeling dissent as misinformation and memory-holing anything that didn’t serve your narrative, the people—yes, your people, lots of them—saw right through it. Not least of all, he won because you spent all of your precious campaign time and resources waging lawfare against the far more popular candidate rather than picking a definitive position on literally anything and then convincing voters you might make their lives better. (FWIW, “joy” isn’t a position.)

I get it. Blaming Ricky Gervais’ “I know he’s your friend” Epstein roast at the Golden Globes for the spectacular fall of your party is way easier than acknowledging that your fellow citizens are more concerned with being able to walk to their cars without getting mugged and putting food on the table than memorizing an endless list of made-up genders. You’ll figure it out someday… or you won’t. I’m actually sort of hoping you don’t. Your cluelessness is the best election insurance a conservative could ever dream of.

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