Is Joe Biden Dead?

They certainly want us to think so.

I woke up this morning thinking about Darrin Stephens from Bewitched. I couldn’t remember if or how they explained the fact that one day, out of the blue, he was just a completely different person who looked nothing like the first guy whatsoever, so I asked ChatGPT.

Just pretend these two are the same guy, thanks.

They did the same thing on Roseanne with the Becky Conner character, originally played by Lecy Goranson. When Goranson went off to college in real life, actress Sarah Chalke took over the role with no announcement or explanation. Does she look different to you I don’t know maybe kinda wait did they just *elope*? (The two would flip-flip for the remainder of the show’s run—even turning the swap into a recurring inside joke, which was actually pretty funny.)

Practically twins.

Anyway, Biden hasn’t been seen since he was diagnosed with COVID nearly a week ago.

Republicans are demanding proof of life.

You’ve got to admit it’s all pretty sketch.

The it’s-not-you-it’s-me breakup letter wasn’t written on official letterhead. The signature wasn’t Joe’s. His calendar has been wiped clean. The embarrassingly fake AI recording “phone call” to Kamala from supposed-Joe. That Simpsons episode. Capitol flags reportedly flying at half mast. Whispers of a fall in Vegas and a secret medevac-uation.

Oh my God. Biden is dead—and they’re trying to hide it!

That’s what lots of people are thinking. How could they not? Every single sign points to that fact. This is not Sherlock Holmes level detective work. It’s Pink Panther at best. A frail old man—with COVID!—is nowhere to be seen. If he were alive, why isn’t he showing his face? Oh, you can’t answer that? That’s because he’s dead.

Obviously.

Except.

Many people—myself included—are convinced the Biden we’ve been watching “decline” for the last few years isn’t Joe Biden at all. The earlobes, the teeth, and the eye color don’t match up with those of the guy who played the Senator from Delaware. We’ve seen the many mask malfunctions. And that time his chin grew horns on camera.

Them: “Sure, close enough.”

Here’s what I think: In the interactive livestreamed TV show we’re watching called The World Is on Fire, there’s a character named Joe Biden we are supposed to believe is the leader of what was once the most prosperous and powerful country on earth. It’s a grueling, 24/7 role so naturally, they’ve got four or five—maybe dozens? IDK, I’m not a director—actors playing the part. If one of the actors playing Joe Biden falls ill, NBD, they just pop another one in his place. If Joe Biden falls ill, well then, that’s the week’s storyline for you. Gripping, isn’t it?

This is his Character Breakdown directly from Central Casting:

JOSEPH “JOE” ROBINETTE BIDEN JR (80s): A stumbling, mumbling, bumbling, crumbling career politician who spins slightly embellished stories a nonstop litany of lies and peppers his speeches with an awkward and unpredictable mix of whispering and shouting. In the most recent season, JOE’s health is in rapid, undeniable decline.

The whole “the Left knew Biden was demented but they hid it!” was last week’s storyline. Of course the Left—another character being played by multiple actors—knew Biden was demented. Biden’s role was to pretend to be demented; their role was to pretend they didn’t know it. I’m just glad it’s not me having to choose who gets the Academy Award for Best Actor in a Live Feature Film right now.

This week’s storyline, of course, is “Where’s Joe?” It’s a nail-biter, too, because if Joe’s dead, who is running the country? Hahahahahaha really, Right? You’ve been calling the Biden character out as unfit to lead for four years—making frequent comparisons to Weekend at Bernie’s, in fact, implying the guy’s no better than a corpse—so what difference does it make if they make it official?

When you’re watching a movie and the star trips on screen, there are only two possibilities: either the stumble was part of the script or it was a happy accident the director felt added to the scene. Either way, you’re seeing it because the director wanted you to see it. Period.

I haven’t quite figured out why they want us to think Joe is dead (or soon to be) and that they’re doing an exceptionally bad job trying to hide it—but I’m pretty sure if he was dead and they didn’t want us to know it, we’d be watching a totally different show play out.

What do you think?

Who should play the cat when they make this book into a movie?