In Defense of Jeff Bezos’s $50 Million Wedding
(Last time I checked, it was HIS money.)
In case you were busy cleaning out your composting toilet or perhaps enjoying a digital fast this past weekend and missed the news: Mega-mogul Jeff Bezos married his astronaut fiancée Lauren Sánchez in a [searches universe for word that means ultra-extra-stupid-lavish] $50 million blowout in Venice. The star-studded guest list looked a lot like the Epstein flight logs featured luminaries like Oprah, Kim and Khloé Kardashian, Ivanka Trump, Orlando Bloom, Tom Brady, and Jordan’s Queen Rania—to name a few—which I guess really ticked off a whole brood of B-listers who didn’t make the cut.
In fact, nearly every headline I saw about the elaborate affair was trumpeting another plus-never’s reaction to it. Rosie O’Donnell called the ostentatious display “gross” (and referred to Bezos’ bride as a “fake fem bot,” which is clearly unkind but seriously, why do otherwise beautiful women keep doing this to their faces?), “Katie Couric went with “tacky,” Megyn Kelly pointed out that the groom looked like a walking penis (which, to be honest, is objectively hilarious), and Charlize Theron brushed off her noninvitation by dissing the in-crowd. “I think we might be the only people who did not get an invite to the Bezos wedding,” the actress joked. “But that’s okay, because they suck and we’re cool.”
I’m not saying spending the GDP of a small nation on a single soiree isn’t [searches universe for word that means ultra-extra-stupid-frivolous]. Fifty million dollars could feed every homeless person in the country for a week, provide a full year of insulin for 100,000 diabetics, build a dozen new public schools, or at the very least, put a new juke box in every Waffle House in America. But what do people expect from the third wealthiest person on the planet—a courthouse ceremony followed by a sheet cake in the nearest Amazon warehouse break room?
Also, allow me to introduce a little mathematical perspective here: Bezos is worth $237 billion. So, his $50 million wedding represents 0.0002 percent of his fortune. Now let’s apply that same ratio to Average Joe American, who’s sitting on a net worth of around $193,000. If Joe spent the same proportion as Bezos on his big day, he’d shell out a whopping $41. That’s not a wedding—that’s a movie for two with a shared popcorn. Hardly the stuff of Vogue spreads or scathing critiques.
Let me be clear: I’m also not suggesting that a diamond-encrusted gondola parade is “tasteful.” I’m just here to say it should be allowed. If a walking penis wants to blow eight figures on golden canapés and custom Dolce & Gabbana tuxedo-wings, I say: Godspeed, sir. Live out your American Dream—start in a garage, become a trillionaire, and eventually reach that sacred financial tier where every dollar you don’t donate to charity adds to your Raging, Absolute A-hole Score.
“If I had that kind of money,” people huff, “I’d be giving it away by the truckload—not wasting it on lavish parties!” Would they, though? Just about every one of us, compared to someone out there, is loaded. And every single day, we make decisions and purchases that someone out there would deem questionable—if not downright asinine. Are you a jerk because you have streaming subscriptions you forgot you’re still paying for and routinely toss perfectly good leftovers? Am I a tool for loving Sunday brunch, having a pool, and regularly paying someone to paint my toenails?
(Those are rhetorical questions, BTW.)
As for the critics—Rosie, Katie, Charlize, Megyn, bless your hearts—it must be exhausting trying to out-woke your neighbors while sipping $17 matcha lattes in your gated mansions. You don’t get to fly first class to Cannes and then scold Jeff and Lauren for being too extravagant. That’s like a raccoon yelling at a possum for eating trash.
Let’s also not pretend this wedding wasn’t a huge boon for the local economy. (The tourism ministry estimated that the weekend brought in more than $1 billion to Venice.) Gondoliers and water taxi drivers were busier than a cat at a laser pointer convention. Makeup artists must have made a killing. Somewhere, a poor man named Giovanni who irons linens for a living got to say, “Mamma mia, today I pressed a napkin for Jeff Bezos.” That’s trickle-down economics—with a side of Prosecco.
Maybe this topic struck a chord because the other big headline begging for attention as I type is “Zohran Mamdani doesn’t believe we should have billionaires.” Yes, the newest NYC mayoral candidate and self-described democratic socialist says “we shouldn’t have billionaires because we need more equality” and looks forward to “working with everyone, including billionaires, to make a city that is fairer for all of them.”
Billionaires: “Yeah, dawg, we’re good.”
Yes, Mamdani, the real problem facing America is too much hard work and ambition. You nailed it, really. We should disincentivize diligence and start rewarding people for doing the absolute bare minimum. Let’s give medals for showing up late and subsidies for forgetting to answer emails. Why stop there? Tax anyone who uses Calendly and outlaw alarm clocks. Because obviously, the root of inequality isn’t corruption or bad policy—it’s Karen in Ohio who built a thriving candle business out of her basement. Let’s take her scented empire down a notch before someone else dares to follow her pumpkin spice dream and retire early.
Call me a kooky capitalist, but I believe everyone—from CEOs to street sweepers—should be able to spend the money they earn exactly as they please. I may not like or agree with how they do it, but I certainly shouldn’t get to dictate it.
So, to the staggeringly wealthy Mr. and Mrs. Bezos, I say: Mazel tov. May your love stay strong, your parties continue to piss off everyone who wasn’t invited, and your spending habits remain aggressively patriotic in size and scope. Because if we ever reach the point where billionaires can’t host ridiculous weddings on Italian canals with 27 outfit changes and performances by Usher and Matteo Bocelli, then honestly, what are we even doing here?
I’m actually torn on my own poll! LMK how you voted in the comments. :)
I'd much rather Bozos spend his money on Venice (benefiting numerous hard-working people, as you mentioned) than on something like the next save-the-world vaccine idiocy. Everyone says why don't the billionaires do good with their money, until they realize what the billionaires' idea of good is (see Gates, Bill and Soros, George).
You are correct. So many of us in this country are wealthy, though we don't see it, and are equally foolish with our money proportionate to our income. I'm more in the category of a $41 wedding using the same proportionas Bezos. But just the other day my family was sitting around marveling at how rich we are compared to our parents and grandparents before us who bought used, lived without conveniences like an automatic wash machine and a freezer, made their children's clothes themselves, had only one car for a family of 6, didn't indulge in drinking wine (and coffee out was practically non-existent) because it was an unnecessary expense and so much more that today we would say us unthinkable.
When each of us can recognize how wealthy we are by our own standards and how frugal we are with our own money, then we can judge others.