In Blind Trust We Trust

Sure, the "experts" sometimes get things wrong. But at least they're unanimous.

Dear Liberals and Legislative Leeches,

First, I want to personally thank you for trying to protect the rest of us from the answers to dangerous questions like “why are our kids getting autism at unprecedented rates?” and “why is life expectancy in America getting shorter and shorter?” Unfortunately, we’ve currently got a lunatic in charge of our nation’s collective health, and he’s out there right now, clipboard in hand, acting like the Sherlock Holmes of chronic disease and trying to figure these things out. Can you imagine? We’ve lived perfectly fine* without answers to anything for ages!

[*Perfectly fine = the sickest nation on earth, but at least we’ve cornered the market on pity. Other countries get Nobel Prizes, we get GoFundMe campaigns. Go USA!]

Remember when plus-size dudes and bearded ladies were carnival attractions?

Before RFK Jr. even got into office, we ranked first in healthcare spending, first in chronic disease, and last in every measurable health outcome. Sure, that looks bad on paper. But did you know that Kennedy once stole a dead whale that had been hit by a car and then fed the roadkill to his pet ravens (or something like that)? Or that two of his family members have called him a threat to Americans’ health? (Fine, the two family members are his sister Kerry, who was busted for not disclosing she was being handsomely paid for her “activism,” and his nephew Joseph, who sits on the board of a major pharmaceutical company—but I’m sure they’re both lovely, trustworthy people!)

Let’s face it, Kennedy is a former drug addict. I realize he’s been sober for longer than Lindsay Lohan has even been alive, but can’t we please just go back to having a fat dude in a dress making our healthcare policy calls? I felt so much safer back then, when The Science™ (*minus biology and psychiatry) wasn’t under constant, relentless attack.

You think the guy on the left knows a thing or two about health? Please.

Look, if my car makes an awful grinding noise, the last thing I want is some nutcase popping the hood and digging around under there trying to unearth the cause. No, thank you. I prefer my mechanic to pat me on the back and assure me that it’s perfectly safe to drive. How do I know if he’s telling me the truth? I don’t! That’s why cult-level trust is so important.

That’s also why it’s so tragic that Kennedy is destroying our faith in the entire vaccine industry. He recklessly insists on knowing exactly what’s in every shot, where they migrate in the body, and whether they’ll make us glow in the dark. What’s the point of that? I’m not a doctor! Since when am I qualified to read labels and make decisions? It’s far better to let our dedicated public servants decide what’s good for us—especially since every single one of them cashes a paycheck from the same pharma giants they’re regulating. They must have crazy inside intel, am I right?

I know what you might be thinking: “the experts” don’t exactly have a flawless track record. Take Iraq (the WMDs that definitely existed). Or the opioid epidemic (“non-addictive” painkillers, anyone?). Or masks (wear them, don’t wear them, double them, ditch them), gain-of-function research (doesn’t happen, okay, it does), myocarditis in young men (rare! common! nothing to see here!), lab leaks (total conspiracy… oh wait, maybe not), “two weeks to flatten the curve” (*give or take), the food pyramid (be sure to eat your six daily servings of Wonder Bread!), hormone replacement therapy (miracle, disaster, miracle again), DDT (“what if we just sprayed it on, like, everything?”), Thalidomide (oops, sorry about your debilitating disfigurement), Vioxx (also sorry about your heart attack/stroke/death), the Tuskegee experiments (thank you for your volunteer service, gentlemen!), smoking (“More Doctors Smoke Camels”), Prozac for toddlers (because pills are obviously easier than parenting)... I could go on, but the point is, people make mistakes. Even experts are only human. Look on the bright side: They’re due to be right any day now. Even a broken clock and all.

Here’s the thing about vaccines: A bunch of people say they have been diligently tested and are both utterly harmless and incredibly effective. Some other people say that they haven’t and that they’re not. Why would we randomly listen to the nay-sayers? I know, it seems like both sides could just present their information to the public and let us decide—but that would be pure chaos. Can you imagine, an entire country of morons trying to decipher complicated charts and graphs? We can’t even agree on how to pronounce “gyro.” (PSA: It rhymes with hero when you say it properly.) Much better to keep things tidy: one side talks and the other side gets deplatformed. That’s how The Science™ has always worked! Why are we messing with that sacred system now?

So please, my progressive and/or parasitic pals, stand firm. Protect the empire of corpulence, cancer, diabetes, depression, and autoimmune disorders. Don’t let Kennedy destroy our proud tradition of blindly treating symptoms while ignoring causes. Because if that fringy health heretic gets his way, we might lose the only thing that truly unites us as Americans: our ability to fill prescriptions faster than we can fill our pieholes.

Yours in obesity and obedience,
Jenna

P.S. Did you hear that the actual president of the United States—the architect of Operation Warp Speed—posted on Truth Social yesterday that basically all vaccines are poison? (I know! Just when you’re starting to think you can trust the guy!) I’m sure he’s talking about the old-fashioned formulas, and not the amazing mRNA ones we both know are going to save humanity. This is probably just the establishment’s way of clearing the old cache to make room for newer, better, high-techier, gene-editing jabs. At least we can hope, right?

I know, my poll really isn’t fair… but let me have it anyway. :)

The tip jar and book store are always open.