Dr. Clinton Will See You Now
The world's least popular former First Daughter is apparently our latest unelected health authority.
Remember when we used to get health advice from our doctors? (Also, remember when we used to trust our doctors?) Now we get it—whether we want it or not—from billionaires, heiresses, celebrities, and people who own an alarming number of patents in the diseases they claim to cure.
We’ve got land-hogging philanthropath Bill Gates insisting that “we will have new vaccines” for things like TB, malaria, and HIV. (Who’s we here?) Economist and engineer Klaus Schwab opining on pandemics and “health resilience.” Financier George Soros influencing “public-health equity” initiatives. The high priestess of sanctimony Oprah Winfrey pushing weight-loss drugs and “spiritual healing.” Tech bro Mark Zuckerberg appointing himself Chief of Health Misinformation Police. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow dishing out peak celebrity wellness pseudoscience.
And now—heaven help us all—we can add Chelsea Clinton to the list of DIY-certified prophets preaching to us from the Church of Settled Science™.
Yes, friends, America’s least favorite nepo baby has launched a new podcast. “Dr.” Chelsea Clinton (quotation marks doing the Lord’s work there) is now presiding over That Can’t Be True!—which, fittingly, is an apt response to the news that Bill & Hill’s brand ambassador is hoping to be the next Joe Rogan. The show’s mission statement: “To expose pseudoscience and fight public health misinformation.”
That is not an unfortunate string of typos.
This is also not Ms. Clinton’s first attempt to set up shop in the podcast bazaar. In Fact with Chelsea Clinton, which ran from 2021 to 2022, was a similar, blessedly short-lived attempt to “shine a light on public health challenges” (translation: tell the peasants what’s good for them). It featured carefully curated experts discussing everything from vaccine hesitancy to obesity, all delivered in the soothing monotone of someone who’s never had to comparison shop for insurance. But this podcast will be different! You know, on account of all that myth-busting the ringmaster is planning to do.
In the trailer for Another Weekend at Chelsea’s, the host—looking and sounding frighteningly Hillaryesque—describes herself as “an advocate, author, teacher, investor, and most importantly, mom…who is navigating this somewhat crazy time right alongside you.” Conspicuously missing: even remotely qualified to talk about health. Her doctorate, for the record, is in philosophy, not medicine. (Close, if you define “close” as “in the same alphabet.”)
“We’re living in a time where vaccines—one of the greatest advances of human history—are somehow up for debate—and where parents scroll TikTok, and maybe only TikTok, for medical advice,” Clinton condescends. “So, I hope you’ll join me and a group of trusted experts every Thursday. We’ll fact-check our news feeds, break down the claims that we’re all seeing online, and give us the tools to separate out fact or fiction. [Note to Ms. Clinton: Please send your script-writer back to literal grammar school.] Because when it comes to our health, the stakes are simply too high to let misinformation make our decisions for us.”
Trusted experts! Copious fact-checks! Misinformation dissection! I can’t believe the left didn’t think of this sooner!
The “doctor’s” lack of qualifications hasn’t stopped her from trying to tell the rest of us how to live, eat, and inject at every opportunity. Remember Clinton’s 2023 crusade to “promote childhood vaccination globally” with the WHO, the Gates Foundation, and UNICEF? She called it “The Big Catch-Up,” which sounds more like a condiment drive than a public-health campaign.
Clinton’s new podcast promises to “shine a light on what’s true, what’s misleading, and why it all matters.” (That lady sure loves shining lights on things!) Translation: I’ll tell you what to think, and you just clap along. The first episode takes on “misconceptions about midwives,” and features “former Teen Vogue editor and Project Runway judge Elaine Welteroth” as the esteemed misinformation-fighting expert. She was an interesting guest, I’ll concede, although not necessarily who I’d choose to kick off my high-impact, science-forward rebranding campaign. But you do you, boo.
The second episode goes straight for the heart of MAHA: raw milk and seed oils. (Spoiler: The first is barnyard barbarism—hello, there’s a reason why we have pasteurization; the latter are perfectly healthy and have simply been unfairly maligned! Want to hear something weird? The Clinton Foundation has a commercial farm that produces corn, soybeans, and sunflowers. Just a random aside.) According to the philosopher, the problem with America’s health isn’t corporate greed or environmental toxins—it’s people overhyping olive oil and drinking milk from the wrong cow.
There’s also a bonus six-minute episode, “Tips for Spotting Pseudoscience,” which includes this gem: “Consider who is presenting the health information and whether they have a scientific background or a financial incentive.”
The irony literally writes itself.
Sure, Chels. Nothing says “totally unbiased altruism” like being the public face of a foundation bankrolled by the same global health giants that make and distribute vaccines. The Clinton Foundation’s health arm works hand-in-latex-glove with groups like the WHO and the Gates Foundation—the nonprofit wing of Big Pharma’s marketing team. So when Chelsea warns us to “consider who’s presenting the information,” I have to agree: yes, let’s! And let’s start with the woman whose inheritance should be stored at room temperature and away from direct sunlight.
Megyn Kelly, bless her, said it best: “Who is asking for this? Who is saying, ‘You know what I need? More Chelsea Clinton in my life.’”
As Kelly also astutely pointed out, a famous last name and a standing invitation to the Davos after-party doesn’t mean squat in the podcast world. You need personality. Humor. An interesting story. A unique perspective. Qualifications. Something. Unfortunately, all Chelsea’s got is the stage presence of a damp saltine and the warmth of a marble foyer.
Still, the Clinton Foundation never met a PR campaign it didn’t adore, so here we are. Another earnest attempt to convince us that the people who broke public health are eminently qualified to “fix” it.
So no, I won’t be a regular listener of That Can’t Be True! But if Chelsea ever launches a show called That Can Be Deleted! where she interviews her mom about how to permanently erase inconvenient facts—or That Can Be Denied! where she gets tips from her dad on lying your way out of White House scandals—I might just have to tune in.
If this poll isn’t a clean sweep, who even are you people? Also please don’t forget to hit that little ❤️ button. Every bit of love helps.
“Consider who is presenting the health information and whether they have a scientific background or a financial incentive.”
I just...I can't with this. CAN. NOT.
Jenna...thanks for the laughs. Would be pure hilarity if there weren't so many people who are going to be like yay! Finally! This podcast is amazing and we need to forward it to everyone we know to make sure they know how dangerous everything is!
When I saw the M Kelly GIF I thought the exact same thing - then I scrolled down and saw that you had actually mentioned it yourself. I couldn't stop laughing! BTW; no one who reads your column (or Childers or Tierney, or....) pays one iota of attention to what 'nepo baby' says.