Democrats Demand Investigations; Clintons Get Subpoenas

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the consequences of your FOIA requests.

Folks, I lied to you. Well, not really. I said “MAYBE the last thing I’ll say about Epstein” so technically I’m well within my creative rights here by digging back into this slimy can of worms. Sorry, but stuff’s happening—and my job is to suss out “stuff” and try to make sense of it. You’re welcome?

They sneered. They shrugged. They called it a conspiracy theory. Now they’re being summoned to testify under oath.

For years, Jeffrey Epstein was the world’s most powerful open secret. Celebrities threw themselves at him, politicians from both sides of the aisle hitched rides on his plane like it was a free Uber Black, and the media pulled down their eye masks and took a decades-long group nap the minute his name was mentioned. Even when the previously convicted registered sex offender billionaire supposedly committed suicide—while imprisoned for trafficking minors, no big deal—Democrats could barely stifle their yawns.

You already know how the next part went down: Bondigino [not a typo] promised dirt, Trump mumbled something about nothing-to-see-here, and suddenly the left got mauled by the curiosity bug. “We demand to see those files!”

In a plot twist that feels ripped from an HBO drama called Elite Panic, the House Oversight Committee just dropped subpoenas on some of the most powerful political figures of the last two decades—all in connection to Epstein.

On the call sheet:

• Bill Clinton, whose jet-setting history with Epstein is, frankly, legendary.

• Hillary Clinton, because if there’s a scandal involving Bill and underage girls, she’s legally required to glare menacingly from the shadows.

• Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder, Bill Barr, Jeff Sessions, Merrick Garland, and Alberto Gonzales—a bipartisan brigade of Attorneys General who somehow all missed the part where minors were being trafficked on private planes.

• James Comey and Robert Mueller, past FBI Directors who have now officially been dragged into court more times than they’ve cracked cases.

Basically, everyone who’s ever had a government email address, access to a shredder, and zero qualms about hanging out with a convicted sex offender is on the list. Even the Department of Justice itself got served, with the oversight committee demanding unredacted Epstein files—something the DOJ insisted didn’t contain anything worth seeing. (Awkward.)

It’s hard to overstate what a reversal this is. Just last month, the DOJ claimed their “systematic review” revealed no credible client list, no blackmail ring, and no grounds for further investigation. In response, Democrats leapt to the not-impossible conclusion that Trump MUST be all over those files and made demanding the receipts their full-time jobs.

I speculated last month—when the Trump administration announced that The List™ That Had at One Point Been Lounging on Pam Bondi’s Desk® was in fact a figment of the collective imagination; a political Bigfoot, if you will—that the whole setup seemed a little too… strategic. The fight with Elon. The teasing of a Maxwell pardon (and her move to a federal country club that barely even has a fence). The flip-flop from “the juicy, delicious files are coming” to “nobody cares about that stupid guy.”

I called it bait. And by the looks of the subpoena list, I might have been right.

Of course, the phrase “being forced to testify under oath” sounds impressive—like justice is finally kicking down the door in aviator shades—but it only serves to highlight a fatal flaw in our judicial system: we are dealing with criminals. Robbers, rapists, influence peddlers, perjurers, traffickers, and the occasional child-slaying satanist (allegedly, of course)—and our grand plan to get to the truth is to ask them nicely if they'll tell it. “Do you solemnly swear—on this holy Bible you haven’t cracked open since you fake-cried through your confirmation hearing—that you’ll tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Oh absolutely, your honor. I mean sure, I may have embezzled millions, moved minors across state lines, and had a guy or thirty whacked in the Caribbean, but I would never lie about it.

Keep in mind, if you would, that seventeen years ago, Epstein was convicted—in what was widely criticized as a sweetheart deal—of a soliciting a (single) minor for prostitution. (He originally faced far more serious federal charges involving dozens of underage girls). He pleaded guilty, was sentenced to 18 months in jail—of which he served a whopping 13—and was required to register as a sex offender.

The list of bros who continued to socialize with him after his release includes Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Bill Gates. Does that prove or even imply that they were engaged in his dirty dealings? Of course not. But if you’re still sipping scotch with a convicted pedophile, your moral compass isn’t just broken—it’s pointing due south.

Or Republican, frankly.

Is this about justice? Political revenge? A coordinated clown show? All of the above? Who knows. But watching the party that once dismissed Epstein speculation as tin-foil hattery having to explain why they dined with Ghislaine in 2014 is nothing short of poetic.

You know what to do in the comments. :)

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