BREAKING: Trump STILL Not Dead

Pulse-positive POTUS Hosts Big, Beautiful Press Conference

The highly anticipated press conference was supposed to start at 1:00 PM Central yesterday. I had it cued up an hour in advance. Spoiler: It did not start on time. By 1:03, the live chat was flooded with smug anti-Trumpers planning his memorial service.

By 1:05, the trolls could no longer contain their glee. “They’re putting the fat suit on the decoy.” “He’s so gone.” “Getting the deepfake filter ready for the body double.” “Please wait while we get President Vance briefed.” “Late for his own death announcement LOL.” “Clots and prayers.”

At 1:11, I hopped over to X to see what people were saying. I instantly regretted it.

You know how when you go to a movie and you get there early to snag your favorite seat (the one where your feet hit the railing just right), and then they show thirty-seven trailers in a row so by the time the movie starts, you’ve already inhaled every kernel of popcorn, you feel completely nauseous, and your bladder is seconds away from imploding but you don’t want to miss a potentially riveting opening scene?

That.

At last, more than an hour after the scheduled kickoff, the screen flickered and there he was. Upright. Breathing. Not black-and-blue, not embalmed, not being propped up Weekend at Bernie’s style. I wasn’t even sure what the purpose of the press conference was supposed to be, frankly, so I listened as POTUS launched into a fairly anticlimactic announcement that Space Command HQ would be officially moving from Colorado to Huntsville, Alabama. He painted a rosy picture of jobs, economic windfalls, and shiny new defense advantages, but like everyone else watching (I assume), I was too busy scrutinizing his posture, his delivery, his breathing, his undereye bags, his hands, to pay all that much attention to what he was saying.

Other than the usual excess of self-tanner, Trump was looking good.

One thing was clear: he was definitely not dead. In fact, he was looking and sounding remarkably sharp. Maybe the sharpest ever. Some people are saying razor sharp. Possibly sharper. I’d call it diamond-sharp. And I know diamonds.

It turned out, according to armchair detectives everywhere, that was because the press conference had actually been pre-recorded. Trump was STILL DEAD! The celebrations could continue!

I had to admit, it wasn’t an impossibility. Why was he still talking about Alabama? I was getting antsy.

After a quick sidebar about drug boats and knocking out nuclear power in Iran, Trump opened it up to questions. [Ask about the rumors! It’ll be funny! Come on, Doocy, we need you!] Nope, what the first reporter really wanted to know about was the strategic benefits of having Space Command headquartered in Alabama. Seriously? We covered that for crying out loud! Oh my God, maybe he is dead!

Finally, paydirt.

TRUMP: “Peter?”

PETER DOOCY: “President Trump, something totally different… but about a big viral social media trend over the weekend. How did you find out over the weekend that you were dead? Did you see that?”

TRUMP: “Really? It’s sort of crazy. Last week I did numerous news conferences, all successful, they all went really well. And then I didn’t do anything for two days and they said, ‘there must be something wrong with him.’ Biden wouldn’t do them for months—you wouldn’t see him—and nobody ever said there was anything wrong with him, and we know he wasn’t in the greatest of shape. It’s fake news, it’s just so fake. It’s why the media has so little credibility.”

After confirming that he was in fact carbon-based and operational, Trump spoke smoothly about the rising violence in Chicago and Baltimore, promising to send in the National Guard with or without local consent. “I didn’t say when it’s going to happen, but it’s going to happen,” he teased, like a crime-fighting Oprah handing out deployments. He easily rattled off stats and figures as if they were golf scores and—true to Trumpian form—casually referred to Gavin Newsom as Newscum.

Be still my heart.

He bragged about transforming the Capitol from a crime hub into a “safe zone” in just twelve days, and then told what he clearly considered a feel-good story: announcing in front of a “very distinguished world leader” that not a single person had been killed in D.C. that week—and then having to sheepishly admit the district had been experiencing a “little crime problem.”

Asked about school violence, he floated his greatest hit: arming teachers—but only the kind with decorated military careers and expert firearms training. He moved on to boast about the trillions pouring in from tariffs, our “stronger than ever” military, the massive revival of car manufacturing in the U.S., and, for good measure, addressed yet another viral clip allegedly showing a bag being tossed out of a White House window. Trump dismissed it as an AI deepfake, pointing out the windows weigh 600 pounds each and are both bulletproof and sealed shut. Believe him, Melania would love some fresh air, but it’s not happening, folks. Fake news.

“Trump holds first press conference in a week,” Reuters roared in a piece with five bylines (for the record, I want you to know I wrote this stack all by my little old self), as if seven days of presidential silence is routine cause for concern. Have they really forgotten all about Sleepy Joe already? It’s almost sad.

If you need proof that the left is never, ever going to retire the funeral fetish, the very same day as the press conference, Trump also did an interview with Scott Jennings where he sounded a little stuffy. “Respiratory issues are indicative of a stroke,” some random, unnamed guy explained. (They can also be indicative of seasonal allergies or one too many jalapeño poppers, but please, sir. Keep practicing medicine from your mom’s basement.) “This along with his edema [swelling of the ankles] and cardiac problems are signs that the end is imminent.”

Okay, doc. Whatever you say. You keep working on that obit. Trump will be over here dying twice in the same week and still running circles around the press.

Well? Did you watch? Were you impressed? Bored? Relieved? Tell me what you thought in the comments!

Drop a tip or order a signed book here.