BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Knows Nothing

*about Epstein (she repeatedly, vehemently insists)

After months of cinematic hemming and hawing, Hillary Clinton finally sat down with U.S. House lawmakers yesterday to share her deep, personal, and utterly nonexistent knowledge of convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

This was hardly a pivot. The Delete Queen has already made it abundantly clear—loudly, repeatedly, and with the emotional energy of a DMV employee at quitting time—that she knows nothing, saw nothing, heard nothing, and has never in her life been anywhere near anything or anyone that could possibly shed a single ray of light on the tiresome Epstein investigation. If there were a medal for “Least Helpful Witness in Congressional History,” she’d be polishing it right now.

And yet, somehow the circus still found a way to circus.

Because in 2026, we apparently cannot get through a single closed-door deposition without someone whipping out their phone like it’s the last scene of The Blair Witch Project. Enter Lauren Boebert, whose contribution to American democracy yesterday was… sending a covert photo of Hillary Clinton painstakingly detailing her innocence to conservative influencer Benny Johnson, who promptly shared it with his 4.1 million followers like it was a contraband bag of Skittles at a sixth-grade picnic.

Proceedings paused. Lawyers erupted. HRC’s team demanded a time-out like a preschool teacher whose class went feral during circle time.

The part that makes the whole thing extra stupid is that Hillary literally asked for the deposition to be public. She wanted it on camera. She insisted it should be aired. She was basically begging for a C-SPAN After Dark exclusive. But Republicans said no—closed door or nothing. And then suddenly the proceedings were paused… because someone made it slightly less closed-door?

Also, it was a still shot. Literally a photo that could have been AI-generated in six seconds. It said nothing, implied nothing, revealed nothing.

And yet: COMPLETE CONGRESSIONAL CHAOS.

Make it make sense.

Let’s not pretend this “leak” derailed some bombshell breakthrough. According to the media, as well as members inside the room, Hillary’s “testimony” turned up absolutely nothing. She didn’t know Epstein. Didn’t meet Epstein. Didn’t fly, visit, enjoy a slice of pizza (ahem) with, or even accidentally brush past the disgraced dirtbag her husband seemed smitten with. Lawmakers asked the same questions in three different ways, and in peak Clinton form, she gave the same answer:

“I don’t know him.”
“Never met him.”
“Still don’t know him.”

Nevertheless, netizens were not pleased with (read: downright suspicious of) Boebert’s photo bomb.

A possible deflection aside, it’s not like Hillary has exactly demonstrated meticulous record-keeping or a pristine history with technology. I mean, this is the woman who treated government devices the way rock stars treat hotel rooms, smashed phones as if they were piñatas at a quinceañera, bleached 30,000 emails like she was prepping them for Witness Protection, and somehow still had the Anthony Weiner laptop saga chasing her like the world’s most aggressive boomerang. When she says she remembers nothing, saw nothing, and has nothing to offer, it’s as revolutionary as discovering Vegas has casinos.

Hillary gave a brief post-hearing press conference where she summed up how painfully, repetitively boring the whole thing had been before adding that “at the end, it got quite unusual… I started being asked questions about UFOs and a series of questions about pizzagate—one of the most vile, bogus conspiracy theories that was propagated on the internet.” (Bogus! Completely! Also never search the web for the “life insurance” file from Anthony Weiner’s laptop. The former presidential hopeful would hate for you to know about that.)

She closed her speech with the assurance that she—just like us—wants nothing more than for the truth to come out. So.

Expecting a Clinton to be truthful would be like hoping your dishwasher learns to unload itself.

Anyway, Bill’s grilling is scheduled for today in what will be the first time Congress has demanded answers from someone who once outranked them. (Better late than never!) And we all know Bill’s relationship with sworn testimony has always been rock solid, so I’m looking forward to finally getting some answers!

(I kill me.)

ANNOUNCER [breathlessly]: Will another rogue congressmember risk it all for a grainy shot of a Clinton blinking under fluorescent lighting while saying absolutely nothing? Stay tuned!

*A LITTLE LIGHT SUBSTACK HOUSEKEEPING: I’ve noticed recently, to my mild heartbreak, that this stack has started to attract some trolls. (Not a lot, but enough that I felt compelled to add this note.) I suppose that’s what happens when you hit a certain number of readers, but still—it stings.

When I built this community, and committed to contributing to it daily, my goal was to create a space where curious, humor-loving folks could gather to hopefully laugh and maybe even learn from one another—despite (or maybe even because of) differing opinions. It wouldn’t have even occurred to me to set ground rules like “please be kind and respectful!” And for the overwhelming most part, I have been delighted and humbled by the response.

I have always welcomed dissent and can even tolerate name-calling and profanity—as long as it is directed at me. (Be warned: attack another reader and I’ll block you so fast your head will rattle.) But if or when you feel the need to question my motives, my authenticity, or my integrity, I would politely ask you to unsubscribe.

I do this for free—and I put my heart and soul into my work. As my profile states, I’m not for everyone. If that means you, feel free to disengage, no hard feelings. Truly.

If I find out something I’ve posted is wrong, I’ll freely admit it. If you disagree with anything I say, bring it. I’m always happy to be enlightened. But if you have nothing constructive to add and only venom to spew—kindly do it elsewhere. TIA. ☺️

Money can’t buy happiness—but it can buy laughter and camaraderie, which is basically the same thing. :)