BREAKING: Government Warns Americans to Stop Enjoying Life Until Further Notice

It's for your safety, really.

Well, folks, the fun police are at it again—and now they’re coming for your cappuccino.

No, they didn’t find a rare, deadly bacteria growing inside Maxwell House headquarters. There’s not a secret, weaponized espresso virus making the rounds. The CIA—surprisingly—hasn’t been caught running a covert caffeine mind-control program. According to the National Weather Service and the CDC, the United States is currently experiencing what scientists call “summer,” and as a result, thousands of Americans have been urged to stop drinking coffee and alcohol—two of the only things making 114°F bearable.

The official advice:

• Avoid outdoor activity.

• Wear lightweight clothing.

• Stop consuming the beverages that keep you from committing felonies.

Because as we all know, the surefire way to survive a heatwave is to eliminate all sources of joy from your life.

(And before anyone starts lecturing me on the dangers of extreme alcohol intake, I’m not glorifying substance abuse here or suggesting sobriety isn’t a perfectly virtuous lifestyle choice. I’m just saying sometimes I really enjoy an ice-cold jalapeño margarita on a hot day, shoot me.)

Black Rifle Coffee Company must be thrilled their ad spend landed them in the middle of this scalding PSA. Because nothing says “do not drink coffee” quite like giving the reader a direct Amazon link to buy coffee.

Just a few weeks ago—amid a similar unprecedentedly summery spell—the warnings included “staying in air conditioning as often as possible” and “scheduling frequent rest breaks in shaded environments.” Did the experts not know in June about the terrifying combined danger of coffee, alcohol, and heat? Thank God for lifesaving meteoromedical breakthroughs!

The CDC says caffeine can dehydrate you. I have news for our esteemed public health agency: So can yelling at the news, stress cleaning, and excessive crying. So where are the pleas to pause our New York Times subscriptions, live in perpetual squalor, and postpone our Steel Magnolias marathons until fall?

Alcohol, too, has made the naughty list. Not because it’s a depressant or because drunk people sometimes try to fry eggs on their driveways, but because [I’m speculating here] tipsy folks are likely to forget to hydrate and thus turn into human jerky without an official PSA to stay sober and vigilant.

I guess that means mojitos by the pool are basically attempted suicide now.

In related news, scores of Americans have been spotted quietly hoarding White Claw in underground bunkers until the government gives the all-clear.

“Seek cooler locations,” they advise.
“Limit outdoor activity,” they add.

Oh, thank you, Captain Thermometer. I was just about to put on a wool sweater and head off on a brisk afternoon sprint through Death Valley while sipping espresso martinis from a hot thermos. What ever would we do without our helpful overlords looking out for our well-being?

Interestingly, there’s no mention of a 2016 study from the University of St. Andrews School of Medicine in Scotland that found that milk is an excellent hydrator—better even than water or sports drinks. [*Orders a venti latte and pats self on the back for peak fluid replenishment]

Alas, we’ve reached the stage of presumed public stupidity where weather warnings sound less like climatology and more like a bathroom reminder to wash your hands after consulting with your nether regions.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be sitting on my uncovered patio drinking a triple latte with a sangria chaser—just to see if I can survive this dangerous combination of caffeine, alcohol, and free will.

Because if oven-level heat is going to kill me, I’d rather it happen while I’m happy.

Signed copies available here. (Feel free to enjoy with coffee, alcohol, or both!)