Breaking News: Summer Is Hot, Sources Confirm

Experts stunned as annual weather pattern repeats itself for 5,463ʳᵈ consecutive year.

There’s a long-running debate out there on the world wide web: Are people actually getting dumber, or does it just feel that way—you know, because the internet provides free front-row seats to the relentless daily doings of the dumbest among us?

I hadn’t given the argument much thought, honestly, beyond chalking it up to funny social commentary (I was probably too busy teaching my girls the lyrics to “Dumb Ways to Die”; it’s a family favorite, true story). If you’d held a gun to my head—hopefully metaphorically—I’d have blamed the internet without blinking. Sure, we might be fatter and lazier and far less resourceful than our ancestors were, and fine, some of us might not be able to boil water or change a lightbulb without Googling how to do it first. But are we legitimately less intelligent as a species? I wasn’t necessarily convinced. If pressed, I’d have guessed we’d simply traded a few old-timey skills for more modern ones, like landing the perfect typing cat GIF or placing complex coffee orders via a mobile app.

And then I saw this.

In what can only be described as a preview of the sequel to Idiocracy, millions of Americans have been urgently advised to stay inside, drink water, and not sunbathe face-down on asphalt—a public safety bulletin directed specifically at a large stretch of states that are… historically really hot this time of year.

As a heat wave threatens to make large portions of the central U.S. feel like the inside of a microwave burrito, meteorologists are delivering their forecasts with the same breathless urgency usually reserved for asteroid impacts or Bachelor finales.

"Denver will reach 100-104 degrees Friday and Saturday,” AccuWeather meteorologist Chad Merrill told Newsweek. “It will start to turn less hot on Sunday with a big drop in temperatures to the upper 70s expected on Monday as a cold front pushes in from the West. The last time Denver reached 100 degrees for two consecutive days in a row was July 9-10, 2022, so three years ago."

It’s a three-year high! Somebody get Greta Thunberg on the phone!

Across America’s heartland, local authorities are advising citizens to stay out of the sun, crank up the AC (if you have it), and drink plenty of water—because nothing says “advanced civilization” like needing to be told to “take frequent breaks in air-conditioned environments and move to a cool, shaded location if you’re overcome by the heat.”

AVERAGE IQ AMERICAN: “Wait, what? I shouldn’t climb up onto my black roof wearing a sauna suit, spread out a reflective blanket, and do a two-hour HIIT workout when it’s a hundred and thirteen degrees out? And water, you say? I should suck down a bunch of it? You know, my mom was always bugging us kids to drink water on hot days, but I thought she was just being dramatic!”

Do people genuinely not know what to do in a heat wave anymore? Without such warnings, would ERs be flooded this week with guys who passed out while grilling kielbasa in metal lawn chairs and gals who went jogging in pleather leggings and puffer jackets?

In Idiocracy, the English language has deteriorated into “a hybrid of hillbilly, Valley Girl, inner city slang and various grunts,” crops are watered with sports drinks—because electrolytes—and scientists are uniquely focused on reversing hair loss and prolonging erections. It sounds like satire… until you look at where we are today.

It had to be said? Really?

I’m so sad for kids today.

Just the crotch area then? Can I pour it into my eyes? What about up my nose?

Don’t even THINK about using it any other time.

The world record for swallowing coat hangers is fourteen (in one minute), in case you were wondering.

I honestly have no words. At this rate, someone’s going to need to attach “do not poke yourself in the eye with me” warning tags on sticks.

In other news, pure salt contains salt, 100% beef contains beef, and Sarah Silverman contains childhood trauma and zero filter.

When my husband and I moved from California to Texas, we immediately noticed something shocking: we were expected not to be idiots. In California, every sharp corner was padded with pool noodles and people occasionally sued themselves for crashing their own cars. But in Texas, we’d be cruising down the highway beside a wide-open ditch—no warning signs, no flashing lights, just the unspoken assumption that we wouldn’t veer straight into it. Sidewalks in the busiest part of downtown dangled over hazardous drop-offs with no guardrails in sight. The splash pad at the community pool was made of concrete. Not recycled tires or industrial-grade memory foam—I’m talking slippery, hard, skull-cracking concrete. Good luck out there, kids!

And do you know what? Texans are tough. They’re smart. They hardly ever drive into ditches. (And when they do, they don’t blame anyone else for not pointing out the ditch in the first place.) Have I mentioned how much I love Texas?

So, to recap: It’s summer. Relative to, say, the other seasons, this three-month stretch can be especially warm. Medical experts recommend hydration, mass hysteria, and panic-buying $300 fans on Amazon.

Stay safe, peeps. And maybe… stay inside.

Tell me how you plan to weather the three-day high temps in the comments. :)

Got a big brain? You’ll LOVE this book.