I don’t often announce that I have a new theory about humanity I gleaned from watching a 9-minute Bill Maher monologue, but here we are.
My theory is this (and I promise it’s funnier than it sounds): a big chunk of the Americans lining up to support communism aren’t doing it because they’ve thought it through and decided it sounds like an especially swell plan. They’re doing it because nobody has told them that’s what they’re supporting. And I hate to admit it, but conservatives are at least partially to blame.
Because for years, Republicans have famously referred to every other face on the increasingly progressive left as the c-word. Occasionally accurately. Sometimes not. Often indiscriminately. The result is that the accusation has lost all meaning—and every time the term gets trotted out, the liberal eyeroll can be heard from deep space. “Oh, here we go again. McCarthyism 2.0. You people think everyone west of Ronald Reagan is a Marxist. Turn off Fox News and go touch grass.”
So-and-so’s-a-commie has become background noise. Hold music. The flight attendant’s safety briefing before takeoff. Nobody’s listening. It’s just more Republican rhetoric. The GOP equivalent of “existential threat” or “danger to democracy.”
Apparently, alarm bells hit differently when they’re coming from inside your cozy blue bubble.
MAHER: “Now the coalition within the DSA called the Marxist Unity Group is in ascendance, and I must take them at their word when their words include, ‘Our commitment is to the long-term struggle for a fully liberated, classless society. In a word, communism.’ What do they have to do? Tweet out, ‘Elect more communists?’ Oh yeah. Cea Weaver did that.”
AUDIENCE: [stunned silence]
MAHER: “Good. I’m glad you’re shocked. People have got to realize this is going on.”
Maher’s monologue wasn’t a rant so much as a dramatic reading of receipts. Not clips from Breitbart. Not quotes from Speaker Mike Johnson. Not screenshots from some dude who goes by PatriotEagle1776 on X. Actual words from actual Democrats that—in Maher’s words—“if they were any closer to Karl Marx, they’d be sued for plagiarism.”
Imagine being a Mamdani or AOC fan and learning from Bill Maher that you’d basically become a Bolshevik.
“One of the new soon-to-be Democratic members of Congress, Darializa Avila Chevalier, supports seizing all property from landlords and has said, ‘Seize the means of production,’” Maher remarked. “Mamdani has also said the end goal is seizing the means of production. I think they want to seize the means of production. Now maybe you missed that in school—or missed school altogether—but that’s communism.”
Maher pointed to an open pledge two Democrat congressmen released last month for their fellow party members to sign. “We are capitalist, not socialist,” it read. “We want safety, not lawlessness. We are proud, not ashamed, of America.” Two hundred twelve lawmakers were asked if they agreed with those simple statements. Eight of them said yes.
Eight.
That means 204 refused to sign it. (Go back and read it again.)
The comedian called out—by name—individual Democrats who don’t think we should have police or prisons at all. Who think the solution to America’s woes is to abolish the border. Completely. Literally. Who want to replace the president and Supreme Court with an executive and judiciary chosen by and subordinate to Congress. Whose goal is to—wait for it—impoverish the middle class. That is not me spelling “uplift” incorrectly, I swear.
“And again, they’re not lying about who they are,” Maher added. “The media is. You know, if you call a woman a whore and everyone gasps, and then the woman says, ‘Oh no, he’s right. I’m literally a prostitute’… Believe her.”
What heartens me most is the partisan traffic pattern. Because if you’re paying attention, you’ll see that it only runs one way. Compared to lots of his colleagues, Maher’s a little late to the roundabout. Joe Rogan’s spent the last few years drifting rightward like a canoe with no paddle. Elon Musk went from Democratic donor to guy who owns a website specifically to argue with Democratic donors. President Trump has an actual Kennedy in his cabinet. But name a prominent conservative from any field or industry who’s come forward to say, “You know what? This whole collective labor and resource redistribution stuff actually makes a shocking amount of sense! I guess I’m a Democrat now.” I’ll wait.
Progressives love to call conservatives fascists. I realize fascism isn’t exactly a confession crime, but give me the far-right equivalent of the Maher lineup. Where are the shocking quotes? The damning tweets? One Republican senator caught saying, “All hail the Führer” on a hot mic? Where’s Roseanne Barr’s scathing party takedown?
Oh, right. None of these things exist. When someone can point to a single conservative heavyweight in a Mussolini t-shirt declaring, “Let us have a dagger between our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and an infinite scorn in our hearts,” I’ll admit I was duped.
I was reading recently about Republican-linked PACs funding Democratic primaries—a tactic apparently both parties use to boost the candidates they think will be easiest to beat. Watching Maher’s monologue, I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what’s happening here. I mean, what better way to destroy an entire political party than to elevate their craziest, most radical voices? Then you just sit back while they alienate every sane voter in the block and your guy nabs the seat. It would be like setting your crush up with a parade of psychos. Sooner or later, you’ll look like a catch by comparison.
Brilliance comes in many forms.
It’s genius, actually.
“Vice President JD Vance was on the show, and I told him that if the Democratic Party keeps going in the direction of the DSA, my vote was in play,” Maher said. “Yes, my vote is in play. I’m not voting for anyone who thinks the wrong side won the Cold War or cheers for the Intifada like it’s the World Cup. I would vote for Sarah Palin before this. She’s a bimbo, but if you asked her to come up with something she likes about America, she could do it.”
The left has spent most of forever arguing that communism warnings are nothing but paranoid right-wing theater. Now that one of their own is pulling back the curtain, maybe a few of them will start heading for the exits.
Bill Mahar reminds me of John Fetterman. Each of them is capable of leaning in left, yet they each remain capable of seeing a position held by the right as correct.
As the meme says…
I hope the “defund the police” people soon realize that they are the only thing protecting you from me.
Bill Mahar reminds me of John Fetterman. Each of them is capable of leaning in left, yet they each remain capable of seeing a position held by the right as correct.