Biden: Lying By the Seat of His Pants

“Honesty is the best policy” might make a nice wall plaque, but clearly our senile old leader's not buying it

I watched a lot of The People’s Court in the 1980s. Even though cable existed in the outside world by then, my family lived in the actual sticks (Dad was a card-carrying misanthrope who made up for it by letting us have horses) and thus we were relegated to the three OG television networks plus occasionally FOX—if the sky was blue and you could angle the rabbit ears just right.

#IYKYK

The People’s Court was my generation’s reality TV, where you got to watch strangers duking it out in front of Judge Wapner over scandalous claims like, “my neighbor’s talking dog won’t stop barking insults at me,” and “I was fired for reporting an alien abduction.” It was solid entertainment up there with The Love Boat in my book. (Also why was this 10-year-old watching a show about romantic escapades on the high seas anyway? The ‘80s really was the golden age of laissez-faire parenting. But I digress.)

Even though TPC didn’t show the part we all knew by heart regardless (“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”), Wapner greeted every litigant with the same line, “I know you’ve been sworn; I have read your complaint.” Then you spent the next 25 delicious minutes watching two parties tell polar opposite versions of the exact same incident and try to decide who was the (bigger) liar.

But how could their accounts be so contradictory when they both swore to tell the truth?

Judge: “Sir, you’re being accused of breaking into the plaintiff’s home, stealing a pair of her underpants, putting it on, and then running down the street clad in only the stolen scrap of satin shouting—and I quote—“Look at me, I’m wearing Vicky’s knickers!”—in a British accent. All of this was witnessed by dozens of people and also caught on camera from multiple angles [*prosecution waves Exhibit A in the air excitedly]. Today we’re going to ask you a bunch of questions about the incident. Do you pinkie swear with a double-decker handshake and a rock-paper-scissors pledge you’ll answer them honestly?”

Defendant: “I do, your honor.”

Judge: “How do you plead?”

Defendant: “Not guilty.”

This is our safeguard? Our single, implicit guarantee of truth? We’re earnestly asking rapists, robbers, kidnappers, counterfeiters, embezzlers, drug dealers, smugglers, stalkers, murderers, and marauders to give us their word they’re going to be forthright?  

Who came up with this system, anyway?

“Yeah, I may have killed somebody, but I’m certainly not going to lie about it. Give me that bible and I’ll prove it! And by the way, I’m insulted you’d even make such an offensive accusation and will be countersuing for defamation.”

I was thinking about all of this as I watched our religiously bewildered leader respond to this week’s special counsel report on his (mis)handling of classified documents. After a year-long investigation, the report concluded that Jo-Bi “willfully retained classified information,” an offense which would normally result in a president’s removal from office, criminal charges, or at the very least legal repercussions, depending on the nature of the data and subsequent severity of the breach.

Alas, because we live in an actual twilight zone, special counsel Robert Hur recommended Biden not be slapped with even a single charge. Not because he was innocent, mind you, because the report clearly found him guilty of all manner of mishandling. It would be useless to indict him because, you see, the leader of the free world is so old and infirm that no jury would ever side with the prosecution. That’s the report’s literal bottom line. Basically, the Big Guy’s getting away with treason on a little-known technicality called, “meh, why bother?”

The Babylon Bee, once again, FTW.

To be clear, Biden repeatedly lied about the nature of the documents in question (in many cases, highly classified), distorted the way they were stored (all of them, insecurely), and adamantly denied sharing them with anyone else (recorded evidence proved otherwise). All of this was in the report. The report that resulted in a grand total of zero criminal charges. Because old guys are cuter than Pomeranian puppies or something.

Of course, the courts aren’t bothered by technicalities. The press cares even less. All the media wants to magnify is Biden’s hilariously furious response to being called old and senile.

Biden: “I am not old a well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory! Well, I’m well-meaning, but I’m not elderly. Fine, I’m elderly, but I am not forgetful! How the hell dare you? Flazzercanoodlepluffer! Now, where did I park my Model T?”

I imagine a rousing round of thumb-wars in the Cabinet Room to decide who’s going to be the one to tell him.

Super not forgetful.

Remember not so very long ago when we talked about the importance of “considering the source” before trusting somebody? Based on that criteria alone, Biden ranks somewhere below a two-ton, 25-foot, hollowed-out wooden Clydesdale on any believability scale. After all, he has completely fabricated his stellar academic record. He’s rewritten the history of his own sketchy business dealings dozens of times. He’s lied about not taking money from foreign sources and not talking shop with his junkie son Hunter. And don’t even get me started on his Covid house of cards—the one precariously perched on the definitive and also wholly erroneous claim, “If you’re vaccinated, you’re not going to be hospitalized, you’re not going to be in the IC unit, and you’re not going to die.”

And our administration actually wonders aloud why we don’t trust a word they say?

Here’s a thought, guys: Maybe try not lying through your teeth 24/7. Do that and I’ll take back at least one-fifteenth of the miserable things I’ve said about you.

So help me God.

Don’t forget to submit your heartfelt or hilarious essays for consideration in my upcoming anthology, Yankee Doodle Soup for the Fringy, Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Conspiracy Theorist’s Soul. It’s going to be epic. Click here to review the submission guidelines. And please share!

*Please note I’ll be in NYC this week and may or may not be able to post. Try not to miss me too much. In the meantime, happy Sportsball Sunday to all! I hope your team wins*. :)

*unless your team is the opposite of my husband’s team