T-Swizzle Is NOT a Government Asset, Okay?

She may be enthusiastically ridin' for Biden, but the world's premier pop star is definitely not being used by the left to push any political agenda. They promise.

Many years ago, a girlfriend invited me over for a BBQ. “My family will be here and we’re going to watch the game,” she explained, foolishly assuming that I was sports-savvy enough to have even the vaguest clue which of the millions of athletic matchups on the planet she was referring to here.

As soon as I arrived in my favorite camo pants and a pink t-shirt, it was apparent I had missed a very important memo. Every reveler wasn’t just decked in head-to-toe red and gold but was dripping in matching, spirited accessories. The entire gathering—down to the napkins and plates and even the cocktails and toilet paper—was clearly a color coordinated tribute to… something. Toddlers waddled about in tiny cheerleading costumes and miniature jerseys under a huge banner that spanned the living room and finally tipped me off: GO 49ERS!

My friend’s mom brought me a garnet and gold Sanfrantini and we made polite small talk before I uttered the phrase I will never, as long as I have a pulse but probably long after I don’t, live down: “You guys sure are big San Francisco fans,” this master of the patently evident pointed out. “Did you all go to school there or something?”

The actual sound that followed my comment.

If, like me, you don’t follow, enjoy, or even occasionally watch sportsball, you may be scratching your head and wondering, “and?” If that’s the case, allow me to explain: Apparently there are different types of football teams and some are related to colleges and some aren’t and I don’t understand it either but it’s a big, important deal and I can tell you this today with certainty: the San Francisco 49ers definitely aren’t one of them.

My friend was laughing so hard she couldn’t catch her breath. “Oh my God,” she howled finally. “I always thought you were pretending to be that dumb about sports, but you really are that dumb!”

I guess what I’m getting at is, if he wasn’t half of the Traylor/Tayvis franchise and their mugs weren’t plastered on every magazine in the supermarket checkout aisle and news feed on the planet, I wouldn’t be able to pick Travis Kelce out of a crowd of two. The twenty million Pfizer paid him to plug their combo Covid/flu jab was money well wasted on me. Have you ever played the “pick the real penny” game online? Well, if you lined T-Love up with a dozen different lumberjacks, I couldn’t identify the subject of her future hit single (You May Be Super to Them, but You Weren’t to Me) if you paid me twenty million shiny, authentic pennies.

Become a paid subscriber and I’ll tell you which one is real hahahaha jk it’s (a) and yes I had to go dig a penny out of my purse to be able to spoil that for you.

But I see all the social media posts trashing Travis for being a pharma shill (where’s the lie?) and shaming her Swiftness for the election interference she’s about to run. On the other side, there are the legacy media hit jobs with headlines like “Right-wing media figures target Taylor Swift with absurd conspiracy theory ahead of Super Bowl,” and “GOP extremists whine about Taylor Swift after Chiefs’ AFC championship win.” (Subhead on that last one: “Republican extremists and the online fringe are feeling manipulated because a famous pop singer’s romantic interest is on a football team that won a big game.” That’s the actual, third grade-level subhead: we got our wittle feewings hurt.)

The big, laughable “conspiracy theory” being floated by these fringy right-wing Republican extremists is that Democrats are “gearing up for an operation to use Taylor Swift in the election against Donald Trump.” At the risk of sounding insolent, of course they are. In a Newsweek poll, nearly a fifth of voters say they’re more likely or significantly more likely to vote for whoever Taytay says they should. She’s the biggest star in the universe. She’s already publicly endorsed Biden. Fox News host Jesse Watters shared a clip of the Pentagon’s PSYOP unit pitching NATO on the idea of using Taylor as an asset to “combat online misinformation,” a stunt that got liberal headline-writers in a tizzy.

‘Pentagon Shakes Off [get it?] Claims Taylor Swift Is A “Covert” Asset,’ The Arizona Daily Star quipped. The 58-second blip features the Department of Defense rebutting this ridiculous claim in a quote worthy of an FDA tweet: “As for this conspiracy theory, we are going to shake it off.”

Our government agencies sure are getting cheeky these days.

Did anyone else notice those quotes around the word “Covert”? Is it just me or are they playing us hard here? “Taylor Swift is ABSOLUTELY NOT a ‘covert’ asset, okay? She’s a blatant, in-your face, undeniably valuable and overt asset. What are you people, a bunch of morons?”

Whoopi Goldberg responded to the rumors with a typically insightful, “I’m tired of dumb people.” And when probed about the possibility of a Swift-Biden tour, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre plead the Fifth, comically blaming her inability to confirm or deny the claims on the Hatch Act, a federal law which prohibits government employees from engaging in certain forms of political activity never mind that she is the literal press secretary whose job it is to inform the press by answering their questions.

Sure, Republicans in general and Trump in particular have a few famous fans. None as notorious as Tayter Tot, but the right’s got Roseann Barr, Brett Favre, Scott Baio, Ye, Dennis Quaid, Kid Rock, Jason Aldean (and his anti-Biden merch-loving wife Brittany), Ted Nugent, and somebody whose celebrity I’m far too old to recognize named Sexyy Red. But even if we had Bieber, Bono, Oprah, and Aniston on our team, do you think our Marxist media would give them even a hot second of air-time to magnify MAGA?

Let’s get a few of the finer points here straight: Do I believe that Taycie is an artificially manufactured couple created for the express purpose of propping up the Democratic party? Not necessarily (although it wouldn’t shock me TBH as I have become highly unshockable these days). Do I suspect Dems are using our culture’s celebrity obsession to their distinct and probably disastrous advantage? All day long. If we had a supernova like Swift in the house, would we be doing the exact same thing? Only if we were smart.

Am I wrong?*

*Hahahaha aren’t I cute? I’m sure you’ll let me know!

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