A.I. Joe and the Last Crusade

Believe half of what you hear and none of what you see.

I “livestreamed” [the recording of] “Joe Biden’s” Addressing of the Death Rumors last night in the unlikely hopes that he would answer three burning questions:

1. Why did you suddenly drop out of the presidential running after repeatedly insisting you wouldn’t literally up until the day before you unceremoniously did?
   [and]

2. Are you fit enough to serve out the remainder of your term?

   [and]

3. Are you dead?

The lackluster, convincingly CGI, eleven-minute speech did not answer a single one of them, TBH.

My 19-year-old daughter, fresh out of oral surgery, looked at me at one point during the mind-numbing monologue *something about a winter of peril and possibilities* and pointed out, “He’s literally not even saying anything.” To be clear, this was before she took the hydrocodone.

Good catch, kid.

Of course, the Internet claimed to be moved to actual tears by Virtual Joe’s vacuous promises to stop Putin from taking over Ukraine, end the war in Gaza, and cure cancer in the next six months. (What? Any seasoned performer knows you save the best songs for the encore!)

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Before I go into exactly how and why I believe last night’s “speech” was another Princess Kate-style digital deepfake coverup, kindly allow me to remind you what technology has made possible in this arena.

If you saw either of those videos without the heads-up, you probably wouldn’t even question the authenticity of the Morgan Freeman or Tom Cruise on your screen. I certainly wouldn’t have. Obviously that’s them—I can see it with my own two eyes! (Knowing that they can digitally clone any person they’d like so convincingly leads one to wonder why they’re so bad at doing it with quasi-important people like presumed-dead presidents and princesses, but maybe I’m being judgy.)

From last night’s performance, here are several things that had me scratching my head:

• Actual humans typically blink 14 to 17 times per minute. (Starting at the 1:25 mark, “Biden” doesn’t blink a single time until he glitches out at around 1:50. Also this is not “Biden’s” first blink-less performance, as others have noted.)

• The weird black line around his neck.

• The hiccuppy window panel behind him.

• The young-man hands and missing wedding band.

• The wristwatch displaying the wrong time.

• The complete lack of emotion or conviction. (Actually this could be legit, so maybe NVM.)

• The fact that “Joe’s call-in to Kamala” was likely fake, too.

• No audience? No reporters? No questions? Mkay.

• The Scranton Scrapper’s shocking new NBA-worthy height.

You know who you can always count on? The Babylon Bee, that’s who.

I long ago resigned myself to the fact that they lie to us about pretty much everything, so I was fully prepared for A.I. Joe’s fauxto opp. And since I don’t believe “President Biden” has been running the country in recent weeks/months/years anyway, if the man has in fact departed the physical realm, it’s not as if I’m over here grappling with panicked feelings of well then who the hell’s flying this plane? I’m not saying I’m thrilled with the pilot we’ve got, mind you, but I’m convinced Biden is/was just eating free ice cream in first class.

What bothers me most about yesterday’s cyber spectacle is that a good chunk of people wholeheartedly believe they were watching the POTUS live on TV. Many of them are too overwrought with emotion over the sad, surprising end to the current tyrannical presidential reign to realize that A.I. Joe actually said a whole lot of nothing. They also don’t see or understand that the PTB are re-writing history in real time (“Biden calls his decision to step aside from 2024 race a matter of defending democracy,” says the network already celebrating Kamala Harris’s “likely nomination” to represent the democratic party even though not a single person has cast a vote for her). They don’t think to question anything they’re told because they contentedly subsist on a steady MSM diet—which is as good for your brain as Hostess Ding Dongs and Hungry-Man Fried Chicken are for your body.

And we’re stuck sharing a planet with them.

Sigh.

Tell me what you thought about last night’s faker than a Canal Street Rolex presidential address in the comments.

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