Winging It
Think air travel couldn't possibly get any more exasperating or expensive? Oh, you sweet, naïve thing.
When I was little, flying was fancy. I owned a fur muff that Mom would whip out any time we were going anywhere by plane, even if it was to Florida in July. Once on board, your seat reclined more than a quarter of an inch, there was always a movie—just one for the entire plane, and you were grateful for it—and you’d get to choose from three mostly awful but free full-size dinner entrees. You didn’t even have to ask if you could have the whole can of Coke; that generous gesture was a given.
Nowadays, air travel is an exercise in extreme patience—not to mention possible financial ruin. Seventeen dollars for a few foil-wrapped chunks of pasteurized cheese product and some Saltines? I’ll starve to death, thanks. Fifty bucks to check a bag? Bitch, I wear the same three things at home on a continual loop; you think I can’t do it on vacation, too? I’ve stubbornly suffered in bored silence for four-and-a-half hours because I refused to fork over $5 for the headphones on principle.
As bad as it is now, I fear it could get even worse—and I’ve taken the liberty of painting a picture of what that might look like for you guys all. Enjoy the flight!
*If I were tech-savvy, I’d record this as a TikTok and then maybe it would go viral and put me on Tucker Carlson or Russel Brand or Bill Maher’s radar. (If you can help with that, LMK!) In the meantime, enjoy this transcription, which you’ll just have to imagine playing out on the screen.
MAN: You on the phone?
WOMAN: Yup. I’m booking our honeymoon to Paris! I found tickets for five hundred bucks a piece.
MAN: Way to go, babe. I have to run, but book it!
WOMAN: [Nods, gives MAN thumbs up. He kisses her head sweetly *they’re not married yet* and leaves.]
AIRLINE REP: Thanks for your patience, ma’am. For the dates you’ve selected, with your taxes, tariffs, surcharges, overcharges, levies, duties, assessments, penalties, imposts, and revenue enhancements, round-trip economy tickets start at $1,657.
WOMAN: Wow. Okay. I guess for two tickets that’s actually—
AIRLINE REP: That’s per ticket.
WOMAN: Oh.
AIRLINE REP: Prices go up twenty-four dollars every six minutes. Would you like to go ahead and book these now?
WOMAN: I guess… yeah, sure. Let’s do it.
AIRLINE REP: Excellent. Now will you be bringing any bags with you to Paris?
WOMAN: Just carry-ons.
AIRLINE REP: Carry-on bags require their own seats.
WOMAN: What?
AIRLINE REP: As soon as we added a fee for checked bags, everyone started bringing carry-ons and we don’t have room for that. So now you need to buy your carry-on its own seat.
WOMAN: We’ll check our bags.
AIRLINE REP: Well played, in my opinion. That’ll be $75 per person per bag per flight. Way cheaper than a carry-on ticket, am-I-right? [chuckles] Now, is there any chance you’ll want to be on the same plane?
WOMAN: Well, yeah. It’s our honeymoon.
AIRLINE REP: That’s an extra $237 each.
WOMAN: Really?
AIRLINE REP: Same Flight Seating™ is a premium option.
WOMAN: Well like I said, it is our honeymoon, so…
AIRLINE REP: Say no more. I’ve got you two lovebirds on the very same plane. Now, did either of you want legroom?
WOMAN: No, that’s okay. Regular legroom is fine.
AIRLINE REP: Standard seats don’t come with legroom, ma’am.
WOMAN: None?
AIRLINE REP: Nope.
WOMAN: So, what, you just sit Indian style in your seat?
AIRLINE REP: We actually don’t call it “Indian style” anymore. It’s crisscross-applesauce. But yes. That’s how you sit.
WOMAN: For thirteen hours?
AIRLINE REP: I recommend the legroom.
WOMAN: We’ll take the legroom.
AIRLINE REP: That’s $82 per person well spent, in my opinion. Now, the seats you’ve chosen do come with a cushion that can be used as a flotation device, as well as an oxygen mask for cabin pressure emergencies.
WOMAN: I certainly hope so!
AIRLINE REP: Would you like to purchase the codes that unlock those two items should they become necessary during your travels?
WOMAN: You’re joking.
AIRLINE REP: Codes run $9.99 per person per flight.
WOMAN: Can we share a code?
AIRLINE REP: Can you share an oxygen mask?
WOMAN: Two codes, please.
AIRLINE REP: Good call. And have you thought about food?
WOMAN: We’re sort of on a budget, so we’ll probably bring our own food.
AIRLINE REP: That’s not allowed.
WOMAN: What if I just, you know, snuck it onboard in my purse?
AIRLINE REP: You didn’t mention you were bringing a purse. Hang on while I go back to that screen. Purses are $27 each. Will your fiancé be bringing a purse as well?
WOMAN: No. No, he won’t.
AIRLINE REP: So, just the one purse then?
WOMAN: Yes, please. Can I just get my total?
AIRLINE REP: Oh. O-kay. So neither of you is going to want to relieve your bladder or bowels during any of your flights then?
WOMAN: I never said that!
AIRLINE REP: Since these are long flights I’m going to recommend the Unlimited Elimination Package. It’s $39.50 a person.
WOMAN: Super.
AIRLINE REP: And don’t tell my supervisor I told you this, but if you can hold it, I would. We’ve had passengers resell their Unlimited Elimination Packages in-flight for a nice mark-up.
WOMAN: That’s… good to know.
AIRLINE REP: Now, we do reserve the right to change or cancel your flights at any time for any reason with absolutely no notice whatsoever… unless you’d like to purchase our brand new Flight Plan Protection insurance.
WOMAN: Then the flights I’ve chosen are guaranteed?
AIRLINE REP: Oh, goodness no. But you’ll get a $49 voucher toward future travel—only valid in the Eastern Hemisphere during months ending in e while supplies last—when, I mean if, we cancel your flights. It’s only $42 for that peace of mind!
WOMAN: I’ll skip the insurance.
AIRLINE REP: Your call. Alright, let’s see where we are: two Economy Minus, Same Flight Seating™ tickets from Portland to Paris with legroom, no meals or Flight Plan Protection, two checked bags, one purse, a pair of in-flight emergency codes, and two Unlimited Elimination Packages… will that do it today?
WOMAN: Does the pilot come with that, or will that be extra?
AIRLINE REP: Hahaha! Good one.
WOMAN: I think we’re all set.
AIRLINE REP: Okay then, your total today comes to $6,227.98 if you book now with the card on file.
WOMAN: What a bargain.
AIRLINE REP: Wait a minute, did you say this was your honeymoon?
WOMAN: I did.
AIRLINE REP: Well, in that case, I’m going to upgrade you. My treat.
WOMAN: Really?
AIRLINE REP: Really.
WOMAN: Oh my gosh! I’ve never flown first class in my life! I can’t believe this, you’re literally—
AIRLINE REP: Easy there, ma’am. I can’t put you in first class, that would be twenty-six thousand dollars a ticket. But I did go ahead and move you out of the kicking, screaming toddler section at no additional charge.
WOMAN: Wow, that’s… generous.
AIRLINE REP: It’s my pleasure. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
WOMAN: Any ideas where I might find a few thousand bucks?
AIRLINE REP: If you have decent-looking feet, I hear OnlyFans is a goldmine.
WOMAN: Right. Thanks.
AIRLINE REP: You’re most welcome. And thank you for choosing Fee For All Air.
Jenna, Clearly you are a shill for the airlines...how much did they pay you for this piece? It is much, much worse than this in the real world. You did not cover, for example, the "crew is tired so you will have to sit in the airport for three days" upgrade, or the "we overbooked but you can walk for only $1000 extra" upgrade, or the "the toilets are all broken" upgrade. Shame on you for being so mercenary as to withhold these important fees.
Marvelous piece!
This is one of those times where I so wished we could post pictures… specifically, 1959,my two older sisters and me in matching plaid suits, pleated skirts with double breasted jackets flying from Idlewild ( JFK) to Paris… my oldest sister wore white gloves, I , the youngest , curtsied upon greeting people…. My family lived in Europe, it’s how we rolled. Yes, that sounds a bit much but a course correction seems in order… I don’t think pajama bottoms, fluffy slippers and gym attire is appropriate travel attire. And as a former “ Stewardess” from the 70s I can confirm that all around it’s only been a downhill slide…. One of the most notable recent changes is that the COVID mask caper turned the crew ( and I actually mean the flight attendants) into authoritarian whack jobs… taking to the Microphone every twenty minutes reminding us we’d be jettisoned out the back if we didn’t chew our pretzels with our face diapers on…. I was on an American Airlines flight where the “senior” flight attendant informed me my mask was not on properly…. As a former “stew” I am always polite to these people. My polite response was met with “ I can arrange for you never to fly on American again”….AA Customer Service wrote me a “we’re so sorry” letter… but think about COVID and air travel and how utterly ridiculous and unnecessary it all was!