What DOESN'T cause strokes anymore?

(Hint: It's not intermittent fasting.)

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the thoughtful and benevolent media is very worried about us having strokes and heart attacks. Every day they’re sounding the alarm about some new cardiovascular danger we all need to be terrified about and avoid like an mRNA shot a blind Uber driver. I’m not talking about Big Macs or high blood pressure or extreme sloth or being saddled with crappy genes. I’m referring to the millions of stealth, seemingly benign heart-bombers lurking around out there that you’ve probably never even considered like a mild case of the flu, the “common cold,” cold showers, climate change, energy drinks, too much salt, too much sleep, not enough sleep, shoveling snow, daylight saving time, too much protein, eating less, being short, pessimistic or postmenopausal, early menstrual onset (*presumably that one’s for the biological ladies, but you never can be sure), microplastics, air pollution, smoking pot, vaping, depression and anxiety, bright artificial light, and your electric bill. I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but it would appear that existing is a serious and unavoidable risk factor for heart attack and stroke. (If only someone were working on that.)

The great news—according to the completely unbiased and utterly trustworthy press—is that there are lots of drugs we can take things we can do to stay heart-healthy. At the tippy-top of the list? You guessed it, vaccines! Not just any old vaccines or even some newfangled, about-to-debut, miraculously safe-and-effective heart-protective vaccine, but Covid vaccines! All of them!

Although that “US data show” seems innocuous enough, based on everything we know about US data, there’s an implied, “despite what data from every other country on the planet shows” at the end. Am I wrong?

The subhead on the NewScientist piece kills me. “Yes, alcohol can occasionally get you buzzed, but overall, it can sober you right up*!”

*if you don’t drink it, like even at all, ever

(Also “many Covid vaccines occasionally cause side effects”? What’s the net effect there, Clare? Do reporters not have editors anymore?)

Not a real headline (but the comments are priceless).

In other serendipitously fortuitous news, Pharma is busy cranking out heart meds faster than you can say the-vaccines-definitely-didn’t-do-it. Bayer, Novo Nordisk, TRPV Pharmaceuticals, and J&J have all thrown their hats into the cardio ring in the last few weeks alone. Must be because of daylight saving time. Or maybe it’s the intermittent fasting that’s taken off like a Greyhound at a fireworks show.

Tell me you’re in bed with Pharma without telling me you’re in bed with Pharma.

In case you missed the point here, a free, relatively easy, ages-old practice with mountains of research supporting its safety and efficacy might be lethal… but don’t you worry your adorable little love handles about it, Pudgemuffin. That’s why they made Ozempic! Sure, you’ll have to take it for the rest of your life (hopefully you have good insurance, because it’ll set you back around $935 a month without it). And yes, side-effects do include gastrointestinal paralysis, bloating, acute gallbladder disease, abdominal pain, hypoglycemia, pancreatitis, kidney disease, and thyroid cancer. And sure, dozens of lawsuits (a number lawyers expect to grow to as many as 10,000) have been filed against the manufacturer by patients suffering some of those miserable “adverse events.” But whatever you do, don’t limit your face-stuffing to an eight hour window each day. That shit’ll kill you.

As you’ve surely heard, Pfizer’s betting not on heart disease being their shiniest new cash cow; they’re putting their money on cancer. (Isn’t that sort of like… insider trading?)

And they have high hopes their totally random investment into a disease that’s skyrocketing around the globe in the literal, exact wake of their vaccine rollout will help business rebound. I sure hope the public hasn’t lost its last shred of pfaith in Pfizer. I mean, look at how diligently they’re working to help us with that pesky existing problem!

p.s. Sorry I’ve been MIA and that I’m sending this post out on a Friday afternoon. This week was a bit of a train wreck. I’m sure next week will be better (*if we all survive the eclipse).