What Biden's Shocking *hahahaha* Buh-Bye Means Going Forward.

Let's all take a moment to imagine what can be, unburdened by what has been.

I was smack in the middle of a post on President Sniffer’s Biden’s suspicious absence in the wake of his COVID diagnosis when he made the “stunning decision” that stunned literally no one to drop out of the 2024 presidential race.

Somebody looks stunned, all right.

Also not stunning was the president’s announcement that he would be officially endorsing his cackling sidekick, Kamala Harris. Did he have much of a choice? “Yeah, three years ago I thought you were the single best person on the planet to take over in my absence, but now that I’ve actually worked with you I’m going to have to take that back, sorry.” (Also, she gets to keep most of the Biden-Harris campaign funds that have been raised to date—sweet!—so there’s that.)

So now, unburdened by what has been,* Harris has her mentally questionable partner’s wholehearted and enthusiastic support.

Not even trembling slightly, TBH.

*If you need an existential laugh, here’s a four solid minute montage of Harris repeating her famous catchphrase over and over please God if you can hear me don’t let them cheat her way into the driver’s seat.

My literal oldest (as in longest-running) friend on the planet just sent this to me. I’d laugh if I weren’t banging my head on my desk right now.

I want my not-stunned readers to know that Joe did not come to the earthshattering conclusion that he is unfit to serve another four minutes years as president hastily or lightly. He waited sixty whole literal seconds between deciding and announcing it.

On X.

And of course, the very same folks who have been loudly demanding he do exactly this are turning his grudging acquiescence into a selfless and heroic act of patriotism.

Yes, Joe, you could have insisted on desperately trying to clutch the country’s reigns with your frail old-man fingers for 48 more months or until you died, but no. You love America too much to do such a despicable thing. Your generosity and national pride know no bounds! We the People are indeed hashtag-blessed.

Wait, did Pelosi just throw down America first? Right after congresswoman Joyce Beatty said not even ironically that “[democrats] are going to make America great again” at a Biden-Harris campaign event? Hahahahahaha the Left really can’t meme.

Yes, Kackala, nothing says “putting the American people above everything else” like those billions your buddy has generously funneled to Ukraine or the free health care and cash payouts he’s forever throwing at illegals, some of whom *certainly not all but how many is it going to take* are raping and killing US citizens. The man is a legend; practically a saint. America FIRST!

It’s worth noting that while Biden’s [and other equally delusional dems’] endorsement of Harris gives her a clear edge to replacing him on the ticket, it’s hardly a done deal. (Obama flipped her a viscous verbal finger by insisting his party would pick an “outstanding nominee” [*ahem*] to succeed Sleepy Joe.) And considering her staggering unpopularity on both sides of the aisle, you know they’re scheming mightily as you read. It’s also crucial to point out that it’s not as if—thanks to the 25th amendment—they can willy-nilly throw Killary or Newscum or God-forbid-Big-Mike on there at the last second... so whaddaretheygonnado?

Despite Drew Barrymore’s embarrassingly emotional VP endorsement, I think they know that Momala [insert string of violent projectile vomiting emojis here] cannot beat Trump. And when the most powerful man in media is publicly echoing that sentiment to his millions of followers on a daily basis—and shaming anyone who’s not following suit—it would seem as if Build Back Better is in a mighty pickle.

It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. First, they let Bernie debate Trump to disastrous results. And then just a few days ago, right after the CIA some random kid tried to shoot his uber-popular opponent in the head, Biden announced he had a runny nose… and then basically went radio silent.

Do keep in mind that the above statement from “the President’s Doctor” came from a press release dated July 17, the day of Biden’s fake positive COVID test. Forty-eight hours later, Axios couldn’t wait to joyfully announce, “Biden bouncing back from COVID, White House doctor says.” Alas, “bouncing back” from that runny nose kept proving to be a bit of a challenge for the feeble octogenarian. Yesterday, shortly before his stunning decision to pull out of the presidential race, NPR dropped this steaming deuce:

So they sidelined the fake president with a fake disease detected by a fake test so they could figure out how to find any even remotely plausible path to presidential victory. Clever minxes!

You know you laughed.

Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe he’s dead. Maybe he really did have the flu COVID, for which his advanced age and obvious dementia would both be considered comorbidities, and they’re scrambling to rewrite some law that would allow a dead president to choose his successor. I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Regardless, immediately after Biden’s shocking withdrawal, independent presidential candidate Bobby Kennedy delivered an impassioned speech addressing this unexpected turn of events. And while I am not secretive about my girl-crush on RFK Jr…

Me [bottom sweaty left] standing in my Kennedy lid and literal ten thousand degree heat to hear Bobby speak in Texas

… and he made some epic points in his address about Trump’s promises to “drain the swamp” while simultaneously planning to appoint a surfeit of swamp monsters to his cabinet, he also praised Biden’s “admirable conduct” during his career of “serving our country,” which smacked of the same sort of campaign posturing he’s supposedly above. So to be brutally, humbly honest, I don’t know what to think anymore.

[Also I know lots of you—hi, Vee!—are going to chime in hard about two (three?) wings of the same bird and how statism is the most dangerous religion and the whole electoral process/government setup is a myth anyway which I do not necessarily disbelieve, for now I’m focusing on what move the democrats are going to make next in this insane game we’re all stuck watching if not actively playing.]

Tell me what you think happens next in the comments. No wrong answers, but please be kind. :)

You need a laugh. You know you do.