This Just In: COVID Is Basically the Flu

In related news, fire is hot, water is wet, and the CDC is staffed by criminals

While actual, noteworthy things have been happening in the world all week (like mysterious fires scorching the Texas panhandle, the revelation that Pfizer was quietly studying myocarditis in children a month before the FDA authorized COVID shots for kids in their prime tooth-losing years (ages 5-10), and Senator Ron Johnson’s jaw-dropping roundtable discussion boldly titled, “Federal Health Agencies and the COVID Cartel: What Are They Hiding?”), lazy reporters everywhere were clearly lounging about waiting for something a little juicier to break.

Reporter 1: Any unvaccinated heathens die of something totally unrelated after intentionally exposing themselves to COVID this week?

Reporter 2 [glumly]: Not that I’ve heard about. Anyone announce a new lawsuit against Trump today?

Reporter 1: Ha! We should be so lucky. You know what, Selena Gomez did post a mirror selfie wearing a white tank top without a bra the other day.

Reporter 2: Really? What are you waiting for? Get on that before someone scoops you!

To these newshounds’ undoubted delight, the CDC this week announced an update to their COVID guidance for the first time since 2021. You could hear the champagne corks popping in newsrooms around the world. After all, everyone knows the only thing sexier or more salacious than Selena’s unshackled rack is a brand-new CDC recommendation!

According to the Highly Scientific™ new orders, you can forget your fantasies of checking into a luxurious Airbnb or even camping out at your Mom’s for ten or even five days the next time your (completely worthless) COVID test tells you you’re sick. Now you’re only required to isolate for a mere 24 hours after symptoms subside before you’re free to expose your germy self to the world.

You know, sort of like we’ve always been told to do with the flu and every other virus on the planet.

In attempting to explain the agency’s reasoning behind the radically revised rule, CDC Director Dr. Mandy Cohen essentially called us all a bunch of morons. “We wanted to provide folks an easy and understandable way to protect themselves,” Cohen stated.

(I don’t know about you guys, but five days was way too much for my brain to wrap itself around. Were they talking about dog days or human days? What if you traveled across time zones during the 120-hour period in question? Did February 29th count as a day, or two days, or not a day at all? If you were religious, did you count Saturdays or Sundays even though counting is math and math is work and you’re not supposed to work on the Holy Sabbath or Shabbat? It was just too much.)

Obviously, the revision was prompted by the upcoming election our country’s ever-improving COVID numbers, namely a steady decline in both hospitalizations and deaths. I’ll give you one guess as to what they’re attributing that celebratory fact to.

(Spoiler: it ain’t cow farts.)

“What we’re seeing is that vaccination is continuing to protect folks,” Dr. Cohen continued. “The very first core strategy that we want to emphasize to folks is about being up to date on your vaccines. Vaccines are what we are continuing to see protect folks here. So we want to make sure folks are getting those updated vaccines.”

(Sidebar: Is Kamala Harris moonlighting as a speech-writer?)

Alas, when the only tool in your belt is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail.

COVID’s on the rise? Vaccine!

COVID’s on the decline? Vaccine?

COVID’s staying exactly the same? Vaccine!

COVID’s got your tongue? Vaccine!

Despite giving vaccines the MVP award in this week’s COVID Crushing Olympics, Cohen admitted that only 22% of adults have gotten an updated shot, adding “so we definitely need to see folks using that important tool to protect themselves.”

Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of BEER! Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall…

In Senator Johnson’s roundtable that a grand total of zero legacy media outlets even acknowledged, Dr. Brian Hooker—a vaccine safety scientist and the father of a severely vaccine-injured adult son—testified against the lack of testing and oversight on all vaccines, as well as the appallingly inferior health outcomes of vaccinated children compared to their unjabbed classmates. And while the CDC maintains a database containing the vaccine data records of more than 10 million individuals including 2 million children, they do not publish that data anywhere or ever, nor do they give independent scientists access to it.

To date, Dr. Hooker has submitted over 140 FOIA requests directly to the CDC demanding this vaccine safety data. Are you prepared to scrape your jaw off the floor? He’s received not a single response.

“Vaccine injury is neither minor nor rare,” Dr. Hooker concluded. “The 1986 National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act requires that the Department of Health and Human Services report to Congress on the state of vaccine safety in the US every two years; it’s been almost 40 years since the 1986 act was passed and HHS has never submitted a report to Congress. Federal authorities are derelict in their duty to protect people of the United States from debilitating and often lifechanging vaccine adverse events.”

As understatements go, that’s like calling the wheel a tiny upgrade to transportation.

And yet, it’s been unilaterally trumped by the CDC’s latest non-announcement and Selena’s peaches. Go figure.

I mean, you go girl and all, but are free nipples really news?

Seriously, if you haven’t watched Senator Johnson’s expert panel exposing the COVID cartel, it’s worth every single one of the 16,044 seconds of your life you’ll give to it. Disagree and beers are on me.

P.S. You guys I can’t even with this anthology. I’ll have some exciting news to share about it very soon, right after I figure out hammer out all of the details. But you’re going to dig it. Promise.