The Trump Gold Card—Because Freedom Isn’t Free (*It’s on Sale for $1 Million)

America, but make it Costco Executive Membership

PROMOTIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT — PLEASE READ IN TRUMP VOICE:

“Well, folks, we’ve done something no one else could do. NOBODY. It’s citizenship—but not the boring kind. It’s citizenship—but luxurious. Citizenship—but VERY, VERY exclusive. Not for everybody. Not for the whiners, not for the losers, not for the people who buy generic ketchup (very sad). This is premium. This is elite. This is the Rolls-Royce of becoming American.

It’s the Trump Gold Card™, the finest, most spectacular fast-track to America ever created by man. For just ONE MILLION DOLLARS—which, by the way, is peanuts, I know people who spend that on SNACKS, okay?—YOU can become an American practically overnight. Boom. Done. Faster than Biden can finish a sentence.

It comes with a background check—very strong, the strongest—an absolutely beautiful glossy finish, and a direct path to status, citizenship, and admiration. Tremendous admiration. People will look at you and say, ‘Wow, that person? They’ve MADE IT.’

It’s classy, it’s exclusive, it’s GOLD, and quite frankly… it’s what America deserves.”

And… scene.

Because yes: the Trump administration has officially rolled out what is essentially the Black Amex of immigration—a “gold card” that allows deep-pocketed outsiders to purchase an accelerated U.S. visa (and eventually citizenship) for a mere million bucks. Own a company that employs foreigners? Pony up just $2 million a head and you can get in on the fun, too!

Naturally, the chronically offended left is reacting as if Trump just installed a velvet rope around the Statue of Liberty and added bottle service.

X is a wasteland of warnings that the Trump Gold Card will unleash oligarchs, warlords, and half the Sinaloa cartel onto U.S. soil—as if these guys have just been waiting for an official product launch to finally make their move. Let’s not embarrass ourselves. Cartels don’t fill out DHS paperwork; they tunnel under it. International power brokers have been parking their money in Manhattan real estate since before most of X’s users were born. The idea that they’ll now stampede into America because we gave them a fancy membership option is adorable. If anything, this is the first immigration program in history that actually requires criminals to leave a paper trail, which is precisely why they won’t use it.

In an interview with Fox News, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick said the program ensures “these are the best people coming in; they’re economically capable of driving our economy.” Translation: if you’ve got enough cash, we’ll greet you at the border with jazz hands.

Trump calls the program “somewhat like a green card,” which is true only in the way a Bugatti is “somewhat like a Honda.” It’s immigration, but deluxe. The premier package. The first-class boarding lane into the republic. And after five years, holders can apply for citizenship—bringing a refreshing honesty to America’s longtime tradition of silently favoring wealthy foreigners while pretending that’s not even a thing.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: for decades, regular immigrants have had to navigate a bureaucratic obstacle course that makes the DMV look like a spa day. Lose a form? Deportation risk. Check the wrong box? Court date. Fail to convince some bored federal employee that you’re not secretly plotting a coup? Here’s a bag for your belongings; the bus leaves at dawn.

Meanwhile, a billionaire from Monaco can float off a yacht the size of Delaware and get waved through customs like he’s Beyoncé arriving at the Grammys.

Buying your way into the U.S. isn’t new. Trump is just the first president shameless—and entrepreneurial—enough to package it like a VIP upgrade.

POTUS naturally pitched the rollout like a late-night infomercial: “A direct path to citizenship for all qualified and vetted people!” And by qualified he means: “Has seven figures liquid and isn’t currently being hunted by Interpol.”

What makes the whole thing amusing is the ideological whiplash. For years, Americans were told immigrants were taking jobs, draining resources, disrespecting our culture, or plotting something diabolical with cilantro. But now we discover the problem wasn’t immigrants—it was poor immigrants. Turns out the border is only a crisis until someone shows up with a wire transfer and a designer suit.

Then again, this is America. We monetize everything. It’s not like we weren’t leveraging the right to be here before—we just did it quietly, with paperwork and suffering. Now we’re doing it openly. To be fair, there’s a case for it. The administration says the program will bring in “hundreds of billions of dollars”—and if that many millionaires are itching to get in, we’d be fools not to charge a cover fee.

Patently irrelevant… but it made me LOL.

America already subsidizes everyone else’s nonsense; why not make newcomers chip in for once? If you’re going to use our roads, enjoy our hospitals, inhale our freedoms, and inevitably complain about our coffee, then yes, leave a tip. A million dollars is steep, sure, but it’s also the first immigration policy in decades where the math actually works out in our favor. We didn’t ask you to come, but if you insist on joining the chaos, the least you can do is help pay for whatever new trillion-dollar program Congress cooks up next Tuesday.

And because every good upsell needs a deluxe tier, the administration is teasing a forthcoming “Trump Platinum Card”—which sounds less like an immigration pathway and more like the status level you unlock after losing too much at the Bellagio. For $5 million plus a $15,000 processing fee (because even patriotism comes with admin costs), cardholders can stay in the U.S. up to 270 days a year without paying taxes on foreign income. It’s basically TSA PreCheck for plutocrats: flash your shiny card, stroll past the peasants, enjoy your tax-free stay.

America has finally admitted what everyone else already knew: we’re not a melting pot—we’re a gated community (with extremely confusing HOA fees).

Membership has its privileges. And now, it has a price tag.

Order today and you’ll have it by Christmas (I can even ship it directly to the recipient)!

P.S. Folks who enjoyed my letter to the ProPublica reporter who was penning a *definitely-not-a-review* of The War on Chlorine Dioxide may also enjoy the resulting piece she published yesterday. To Ms. O’Matz’s credit, she only took one or two of my comments out of context and she actually included a link to my post. (She also got me a couple dozen new subscribers and a deluge of pre-orders, so thanks, Megan!) I’ll be doing a full takedown of her not-a-review soon; in the meantime, I’ll reiterate that Senator Ron Johnson is a national treasure. That is all. ;)