The Shocking Contents of the JFK Files*
*If you're a visiting space alien or were born last Tuesday
In yet another historic moment that will be remembered with a mixture of confusion, fury, and how-gullible-even-are-you, President Donald Trump boldly pledged to release 80,000 pages of shocking, incriminating, unredacted documents related to JFK’s assassination yesterday. After hours of nervous internet handwringing and screen-refreshing, by 6PM Eastern, POTUS had released… nothing. Literally, not a single document. Not even a blurry Xerox copy of Jackie’s dry-cleaning receipt.
The Platform Formerly Known as Twitter was at war. On one side, you had a mix of giddy “can’t wait for those JFK files to drop” and “wait, did I miss the JFK file drop?” anticipation. Waaaaaaaay over in the other camp, you had a parade of smug leftists poking fun at all of the dumb MAGA hatters who were actually holding their collective breath waiting for a bombshell. Again.
Hardcore Trumpers fell quickly into their default mode, something I call DTAC: Defend Trump at All Costs. “What the doubters never seem to grasp,” the actual intelligence that is my brain summarized their musings, “is that any time Trump does nothing at all, it’s proof that he is really doing something earthshatteringly epic behind the scenes. It’s what he does. He’s a showman. Obviously, he’s playing 47-D chess while the rest of us are still trying to open the Chutes and Ladders box. He’s probably saving the reveal to use as leverage to secure a third term, which would definitely be frustrating in the short term, but we’ve already waited nearly sixty-two years! What’s a few more months? Especially if it means another four glorious years of promises (eventually) kept! Either way, when he does find that perfect moment to unleash the beast, the collective outrage will rival the time he threatened to give the Statue of Liberty back to France and somehow still ended up winning a second term. It’s brilliant—completely under the radar, but 100% effective. Plus, if you take the number 27 (the numerical value of the letters J-F-K) and multiply it by 114 (the number of Diet Cokes Trump drinks in an average month) and divide that by 46 (the average of Trump’s two presidential terms) and then you round down, you get the number 66, which is the gematria number for ‘to prevail or succeed,’ so, I mean, how much more obvious can you get?”
I was ready to go to bed, frankly relieved that I didn’t have to start sifting through thousands of decades-old documents, when it happened. The files fell into the National Archives with a deafening thud. All 80,000 pages.
The now-redeemed “gullible MAGA cult” celebrated bigly on X, peppering their posts with #promiseskept and #maximumtransparency and #letsbleepinggo, before any of them had even clicked a single link or confirmed whether the files were indeed entirely unredacted. (Spoiler: They were not. But you knew that.)
The recently-deceased New York Times rose briefly from her grave to assure faithful readers that there was definitely nothing new or interesting in the massive tranche of controversial pages that have been kept from the public under Fort Knox-level security for decades. Really.
Obviously, it’s going to take intrepid internet sleuths a minute to unearth any meaningful dirt. Folks posting “proof,” for example, that prior to his death, JFK Jr. called Biden a traitor, were quickly shot down with reader-added context to the previously-released paper. One post will insist, “After reading this I am now 100% sure the Israeli government killed JFK,” and the very next alludes to undeniable evidence that “a small group within the CIA was responsible.”
A GROK summary of the dump included this:
“Today’s release of approximately 80,000 pages of previously classified files on March 18, 2025, ordered by President Donald Trump and now available through the National Archives, contains several elements that could implicate the CIA in the context of John F. Kennedy’s assassination—or at least raise questions about its actions.”
The AI synopsis adds that “no direct order to assassinate JFK is documented” and “The lack of a ‘smoking gun’ keeps the lone-gunman narrative intact officially.” Not that I trust artificial intelligence to give me the raw, unbiased truth—nor do I believe the lone-gunman story is even remotely possible—but this certainly suggests that the “new information” is not going to be a global game-changer.
2nd Smartest Guy in the World did the most comprehensive dive I’ve seen so far into what was and wasn’t revealed yesterday on his substack, which I highly recommend if you’re hungry for the highlights.
For now, I mostly have questions. First, and rhetorically, is this whole circus nothing but an attempt to distract us from the Epstein files they promised us and then furiously backpedaled on? Considering that the bad guys in the Epstein case are likely still alive whereas the ones who conspired to kill Kennedy are almost definitely dead… where’s the ire about that? Or at least, an official White House update? Why did Trump ultimately decide to release information that he previously described as “far too incriminating to ever share with the American people” during his first term? When did it become the public’s job to comb through historic records to solve the biggest whodunnit in history? They’ve had this info since before I was born. Would it have been so incredibly tedious to publish a one-page executive summary—or even a one sentence one!—with links to the backup?
LMK what you think about the latest bombshell-that-wasn’t in the comments.
A few thoughts:
First I believe the release was purposefully held back until later last night to not steal thunder from Elon’s achievements with bringing home the astronauts yesterday. That deserved the front and center attention and got it without the drop interfering. I think it was a kind decision. I bet Trump really wanted to postpone until today but they knew it would infuriate the impatient masses. So late it was.
Second I’m not sure all 80,000 pages have been released yet. I think I read there might be 30,000-60,000 pages still to be released. (Can’t recall the exact number but it was one of those two amounts.) There are frantic last minute court filings happening yesterday and early this a.m. by the deep state to prevent the release of more. As always. 🙄
Third, I think there are two reasons for holding back the Epstein files. One is with how quickly and nastily the left activist judges monkey pile on every move Trump makes. They HAVE to be sooooo careful. This is a literal minefield unlike JFK. Can you imagine if even ONE victim had a feasible case against this administration for mishandling the evidence and their identities that could hurt them? The left will be watching like a hawk for any move Bondi makes that could bring the roof down on this administration. They WILL capitalize on the smallest infraction. We are dealing with true, sadistic evil that are dangerous because they are crafty and clever too. I believe that’s why they redacted so much of the first round of papers. They knew it was already out there unredacted, just like most of us did. But it wasn’t this administration that did that and they could not be caught in a move that allowed them to be accused of not showing discrete care. So they redacted. They have to be careful with the new papers they retrieved in the same way and there is a lot more to sift through. Second, I truly believe that they know full well who in this government is going to try to undermine them and what they need to do the next four years, and I would want them to leverage the Epstein info ANY way they can to diffuse them, and I don’t think Bondi herself expected so many to be implicated - and it changes the game. It must be a lot worse than most in power realized, even if not more than we all expected. If some of that info gets released too soon they lose the leverage they might have. Now they have the quandary of having promised to release them all but now needing to change tactics. They always keep their hand close to their chest so I don’t think they can come out and say that right now, so silence. No hand tipping. They also have to make airtight cases that can’t be manipulated before they are ready. Expose to the criminals your hand too soon and they have that much more time to prepare for it.
It’s all much more complicated than we are allowing, and I for one am willing to give grace on this. Their hands are FULL. They have a hostile staff that are unreliable with confidential activities. There are few hands that they can actually trust, but every day more and more is on their plate to investigate. (Swattings, Tesla terror, while also having a duty to us to continue investigation of past crimes of 2020 election and J6, etc).
They deserve grace. Much more patience. We have the right team in place but this is one huge ugly ship to navigate and all hands are NOT on deck yet with how corrupt the staff and bureaucracy are.
lol that was an epic Trump 666D rant. For most of us in the conspiracy realist community, this was to be expected.
Here's your one page executive summary that will never be put into these explicit words to the public, but this is what is behind closed doors:
We, the criminal parasitic class, are responsible for the assassination of JFK and for the continued lies and confusion about who assassinated this man. We are also responsible for the "terrorist attacks" on the World Trade Center, the Oklahoma city bombing, 9/11, child sex trafficking, and the ongoing democide known as Operation Covid. We will continue to lie and to deceive you to purposely distract you from the technocratic control grid that we are erecting all around you in the form of digital IDs, giant AI data centers, 5G towers, and a centralized digital currency to monitor every single penny that you spend.
Once everyone is enslaved on the digital grid, then and only then will we reveal the truth behind who really assassinated JFK and who really demolished the WTC buildings on 9/11. Because why not? You'll be completely controlled and accounted for. Any resistance will be futile because we can just turn you off with a flick of a switch.