The Itty Bitty Case Against Diddy

(Or, why I hate Hollywood and everything in it.)

When my youngest daughter was seven or eight, her “homework” one night was to color a map of the world. Most of her classmates probably completed this task in under five minutes, scribble-filling each continent in its own random Crayola shade (“Should the oceans be blue-green or green-blue?” Did this obvious bit of verbal wizardry bug anyone else as much as it bugged me?) and calling it a day. Not my daughter. Equal parts creative and meticulous, she dragged her artist’s box of perfectly-sharpened pencils to my bed, flopped down in the middle of it, and began to outline each individual country in a different, carefully-chosen color.

“That’s going to take you a minute,” I told her, stifling a laugh.

“I know,” she said. “But it’ll be really pretty.”

An hour later when I checked on her, she still hadn’t even finished outlining.

“Want me to help you color in some of these countries?” I offered.

“Nope,” she said, engrossed in the painstaking task at hand. I told her I admired her tenacity and trotted off to cook dinner.

When I came back to tell her it was time to eat, I found her sprawled like a starfish, face-down on my bed. Her picture was on the floor, half-colored. Pencils were scattered everywhere.

“Honey, what happened?” I asked.

She rolled over, folded her arms across her chest and scowled. “I hate the world and everything in it,” she insisted.

I feel that.

Where’s the lie, though?

Substitute Hollywood for the world in her perfectly apropos outburst and I’m her right now. The whole entertainment industry is so dirty, so sordid, so fake, and so representative of how f*cked up our values are as a society that it makes me want to scatter pencils all over my house and sprawl starfish-style on my bed for the rest of ever.

Take yesterday’s Diddy debacle. ICYMI, federal agents raided multiple properties owned by the accused rapist popular rapper in a “sex trafficking probe” launched in the wake of several lawsuits basically crowning Diddy the Epstein of the music industry.

We should be celebrating, right? They’re going to nail a notorious scumbag! (Unless he’s a really good hider.) They’re taking down a predator! (Unless he bribes or blackmails them all.) They’re Making Tinseltown Great Again! (Not unless they’ve found a way to bring Audrey Hepburn back.) Cue the Sound of Freedom soundtrack! (Seriously. Cue it.)

Initial reports claimed that the criminal formerly known as Puff Daddy managed to escape on his private jet to the island of Antigua before they could take him into custody. Naturally, I had to go there:

Federal Agent 1 [bursting through front door]: Hahahahahaha we got you now, sucker! You’re under arrest! [looks around, under, behind stuff] Diddy? Diddy!

Federal Agent 2: Dude, I don’t think he’s here.

Federal Agent 1: What are you talking about? We’ve been tracking him! He’s got to be here!

Federal Agent 2: Is anybody watching the back door?

Federal Agent 1: Dammit!

Federal Agent 2: It’s okay. He won’t get too far. It’s not like he’s got a private jet or anything.

Firstaball (as that same daughter used to say), a sex-trafficking probe? In Hollywood? Please. That’s like sending a health inspector into Chuck E. Cheese’s. If it actually happened, the whole place would be shut down, quickly and permanently. Candace Owens immediately called out the suspicious nature of the alleged raid:

Secondaball, we don’t have to worry about Diddy not hanging himself in prison. Apparently he was spotted not cowering somewhere on a Caribbean island but strolling around a private airport in Miami yesterday, where “he spoke with law enforcement officials” and “nobody was arrested.” Guess they didn’t find anything good in those raids after all.

Candace did a deep dive into one of the lawsuits against Diddy, and it’s it a jaw-dropper—including accusations of murder, police bribery, sex-and-drug-riddled blackmail parties, media manipulation, and more. There are photos, eyewitness accounts, and sworn statements. Of course, Diddy denies any and all wrongdoing, and we all know an accused rapist would never lie.

To be fair, these are allegations. Anybody can say anything they’d like about anyone else—and sometimes they do, for money or fame or retribution or spite or some intoxicating combination thereof. Obviously the saying it part doesn’t make it true. But the dude is clearly bad news. He’s also part of the above-the-law, untouchable elite who almost never get punished (except by their own, most of whom would throw their own mother under the bus in exchange for popularity or a pardon), so chances are nothing will come of it anyway.

As always, when the media turns its shady spotlight on something, my first question is: what are they trying to distract us from? What’s the real news they want to bury beneath some star-studded shenanigans? Is it all the “conspiracy theorists” calling BS on Princess Kate’s (clearly CGI) cancer announcement, and suggesting the royal story is merely a strategic attempt to normalize cancer in young, healthy people? The FDA losing its deadly war on ivermectin (two years too late)? The Canadian bill that seeks to put people in jail for life for hate crimes (and please recall, Trudeau accused peaceful protestors of literally that). The revelation that the Boeing whistleblower who allegedly committed suicide told a close friend days before his death that if anything happened to him, it wasn’t suicide?

What do you guys think they’re trying to deflect attention away from?