The End of the World is Nigh. Again.
Make sure you stock up on Nilla Wafers and Cheez Wiz™!
My regular readers know that a dedicated part of my every day goes to scanning headlines. Yes, the mainstream media kind—because a) we need to know what the sheeple are seeing if we want to stay at least one step ahead of the crazy, and b) there’s a bottomless source of fodder in there if your job is to poke fun at the perverted planet we inhabit.
For reasons that will likely surprise no one who knows me even tangentially, this one grabbed me immediately:
Did someone say shopping? I’m in!
Before you start freaking out, The Daily Digest said the end of the world could be closer than you think. It could also be farther! Just like you could win the lottery tonight or you could find a kinkajou at a highway rest stop. It happens! But not often. So relax.
(But definitely start prepping ASAP; don’t worry, I’m going to share lots of TDD’s helpful shopping tips.)
Didja notice The Daily Digest getting a little judgy there? *To this day, some people haven’t even used up their original pandemic stockpile!* TDD does not want you to make the same mistake twice. After all, when nuclear waste is oozing through the cracks around your windows (you really should have gotten those fixed, BTW) and you’re groping around in the dark for your radiation detector, having a pristine back hole will not be your top priority. According to seasoned preppers, you’ll be thinking of one thing and one thing only: snacks.
If Doomsday has a silver lining, it’s that we can finally forget about all that silly “healthy eating” crap we kill ourselves trying to do every day when we think we might actually have more days ahead. Why bother? In end times, we can—and should!—stuff our gluttonous yaps with Little Debbies and Frosted Flakes and other frankenfoods that are banned around the world. Remember, the clock’s already ticking. Cataclysm calories don’t count. Enjoy!
Carbs may be the devil’s candy in everyday life, but when the bomb drops, all bets are off. Sure, we could pack our pantries with healthy carbohydrates like beans, quinoa, chia seeds, barley, dried fruit, and lentils. But this is the end of the world. Are we really going to worry about diabetes right now? Please! Pass the Count Chocula!
(But maybe load up on Ozempic just in case the world doesn’t end.)
(Also do you see how they threw rice in there so we wouldn’t realize the FDA and CDC actually co-penned this instructive prepper’s list? Clever!)
Just when I’m getting excited about all of the Balance Bars I’m going to get to eat someday soon, this ad pops up. “Get your free* tote bag before the world ends!” Not a bad marketing angle, TBH.
*With any $150 purchase, limited time only, while supplies last, offer not valid after the world actually ends
If there’s one thing you definitely should not do in an imminent emergency, it’s underestimate the vital importance of highly processed, nutritionally-void junk food. Not just cereals and energy bars, though; oh no. Those are mere Armageddon appetizers; amuse-bouches, if you will. TDD insists cookies, jams, spreads, and chocolate are mainstay musts in any prepper’s pantry because, you see, they’re easy to store and long lasting. (Never mind that so are nuts, jerky, canned goods, freeze dried veggies, and oatmeal. Nobody’s judging your snack cabinet on Judgment Day!)
As a bonus, Thin Mints and Nutella aren’t just delicious on their own (or better yet, together); they’re also great for shutting up whiny kids and bartering with your neighbors who didn’t consider their relentless sweet teeth when they stocked their own bunkers. Just buy a bunch. Better yet, set up an Amazon auto-delivery candy train. You really can’t be too careful.
You’re fresh out of food. You drank your last Modelo. You’re surrounded by carnage. There’s no internet or electricity. The well is bone dry. Good thing you have a brand-new rainbow assortment of highlighters to sniff!
(Seriously though. As someone with an advertising background, I can’t help but wonder if the companies paying good money to get in front of eyeballs were told their placement would be smack in the middle of this uplifting and educational slideshow? If I’m hawking those highlighters, I’m asking for an account credit on this one.)
Just because the planet is about to implode doesn’t mean you can’t pretend to be fancy and French and enjoy a little fromage for dessert in your fleeting final moments. [Considering that ninety percent of cheese in the US contains a GMO made by (you’ll never guess okay fine maybe you will) Pfizer, of course the left-leaning, Pharma-funded media recommends stocking up on it. If whatever disaster they have planned misses a few folks, this is a nice little backup plan.] Bon appétit!
Do you really want to spend your last minutes on this earthly paradise in those ratty sweats and that coffee-stained t-shirt? Come on. Look how happy she looks in her new fit-and-flare dress. It’s just $169 right now at Macy’s you guys it has *pockets* (and remember, you can’t take it with you)!
I’ve confessed in the past that I’m not much of a prepper—mostly because even if I survived the actual nuclear bomb/alien invasion/giant asteroid crash/robot uprising, I know I’d never survive the aftermath (non-food apocalypse must-haves include roach bait and snake bite kits; need I say more?). Which is to say I will not be hoarding Oreos or Fruit Loops or giant wheels of brie anytime soon. Those highlighters, though, are another story.
I’m not a prepper, but if I were, chocolate would be at the top of my list. If I have to survive with using leaves as toilet paper, I’m going to need some chocolate. Probably a lot.
Yes, this article is ridiculous. But buying in bulk and having plenty of supplies on hand can benefit in way more sensible ways than end-of-the-world scenarios. In times of high inflation purchasing staples and paper goods at today’s prices or when on sale is a hedge against rising, inflationary prices. When COVID hit and I refused to wear a face diaper or stand in line outside the grocery store because they only let in 50-people at a time or have some 18-year-old aim a forehead thermometer at me in case I may be feverish. Forget that it was summer in Arizona where it’s like living in Hell and people are being forced to stand outside in line in 110°F temperatures. If you registered even a 1/10° over 98.6 you were denied entry. Couldn’t possibly be the air temp. causing that!
Being somewhat well stocked with pantry staples, paper goods and having a fully packed freezer kept me safely distanced from the insanity that was our world.
***On days that I was especially bored though I’d head to Trader Joe’s and see how many groceries I could load in my cart and how far I could make it through the store before being tossed out on my unmasked arse. But oh…how I needed those Joe-Joe’s sandwich cookies!