The Curious Case of the Nonexistent Epstein List
They had it... now it doesn't exist and never did. Nothing to see here.
After years of teased promises, primetime posturing, and hyped-up press conferences, the great Epstein Client List Mystery has finally reached a highly-unexpected conclusion: There is no list.
Yup, you read that correctly. The most prolific pimp of our time was selling illicit sexual services to… absolutely nobody.
Color me cynical.
Like you, I realize that sex traffickers invariably have clients. I know that meticulous records must have been kept. (You don’t run a blackmail operation without those; that’s Extortion 101, for crying out loud.) We’ve been told that Epstein Island had more cameras than a barn cat has fleas. My very own ears heard Bondi say she had The List—not some random related paperwork, but The Actual List—on her desk. JD Vance didn’t just refer to the mythical list; he insisted that it needed to be released. (“What possible interest would the US government have in keeping Epstein’s clients secret?” he also asked on X back in 2021, a rhetorical question he followed up with, “Oh…”) I saw those fancy OfficeMax folders, too.
But now we are being told—with straight faces, even—that any such roster of names was utterly invented. Completely fabricated. A figment of the collective imagination.
Just like that. Case closed. Pack it up, folks. It was hearsay. Bureaucratic Bigfoot. Legislative Loch Ness Monster. A mass hallucination—probably brought on by global warming or TikTok (but definitely not vaccine-induced mental illness hahaha don’t be ridiculous).
But… but… Pam Bondi, the Attorney General of the United States, said there were “tens of thousands of videos of Epstein with children or child porn, and there are hundreds of victims”! Surely Epstein wasn’t doing this alone. We braced for the bombshell. We were going to see things. Names. Flights. Transactions. Blackmail letters. Shady deposits. Heavily censored—but undeniably incriminating—photo montages and video clips. Humiliating public trials. Entire reputations crumbling under the weight of black book receipts.
Next came the big reveal, when identical folders of “evidence” were handed to… a gaggle of influencers. Yes, really. Not to prosecutors. Not to the press. To people who normally unbox skincare and talk about the books they're pretending to read. And wouldn’t you know it? Those “folders” turned out to be yet another nothingburger with a melted milkshake of disappointment on the side. No names. No dirt. Just the lingering smell of expensive cologne and corruption.
And now? Well, it seems we’re all merely hapless victims of the Mandela Effect. We imagined it all—just like we all simultaneously fabricated that Fruit of the Loom cornucopia and vividly group-recall seeing Ed McMahon and his Prize Patrol delivering those giant Publishers Clearing House checks. We assumed there was a list, but nobody ever said there was a list (*except the hundreds of people who did). Is it just me, or does it feel like we’re in some low-budget Scooby-Doo remake and they’re just hoping we’ll wander off to the next haunted amusement park and do our bothersome meddling elsewhere?
Of course, the internet is doing what it does best: theorizing. People are piecing together flight logs and blurry screenshots like it’s the Zapruder film and they’re two Monster drinks away from blowing the whole thing wide open. It’s 17-D chess! They’re using the list as leverage. High-level criminal investigations take time. Don’t be so naïve. There was a list, but it got destroyed! See? They weren’t lying then and they’re not lying now. Phew! The good guys are in control! It’s a meticulously crafted reverse psychology operation—you know, a fake to get people fired up and curiouser. (“Nothing to see here.” Oh reaaaally? I guess we’ll have to dig harder!) They were bluffing before but now they’ve decided to finally be honest for the first time in government history! How lucky are we? And maybe—just maybe— there IS a list, but they just discovered that someone impossibly inconvenient is on it. Like Trump. (Elon suggested as much.)
The problem is, none of these theories hold water. Not even the Trump one (you know that would have come out long ago) or the reverse psychology bit (although at least that one sort of makes sense from a tactical perspective). Because all the bait-and-switch does is destroy what precious little faith and trust any of us have had in the system at large and this administration in particular.
Why lie?
Oh, right. “We can’t help it. It’s in our nature.”
I get that sometimes you have to hold back information when conducting a massive felony investigation. I realize the sensitive nature of the subject at hand and the need to protect innocent victims. But is that really who’s being protected here? Nobody needs to know who was abused—and we [at least the mentally well among us] certainly don’t want the graphic, disturbing details—but we do want to know who was doing the abusing. We want the perpetrators off the proverbial streets. We want justice to be served.
“Remember when we learned that our wealthiest and most powerful people were connected to a guy who ran a literal child sex trafficking ring?” Vance wrote on X in 2021. “And then that guy died mysteriously in a jail? And now we just don't talk about it... If you’re a journalist and you’re not asking questions about this case, you should be ashamed of yourself. What purpose do you even serve?”
(Honestly, JD, if the media weren’t so inept, I’d have very little to write about.)
In a press conference yesterday, Bondi et al doubled down, responding to the many, many inconsistencies in the latest so-called developments. The defense was as definitive as it was weak, and has more holes than a slice of Swiss in a shooting range.
To recap my personal thoughts (which I fully acknowledge may or may not be accurate, but they’re what I believe):
Epstein did not kill himself.
There was a list.
There is a list.
Someone or a group of someones are threatening grave bodily harm to anyone even tangentially associated with its release.
We will probably never know any more than that (unless somebody powerful dies, defects, or accidentally leaves their laptop at a Chili’s).
When you control the narrative, you don’t need to make sense. You just need to keep everyone confused, exhausted, and arguing about which dust to use on the fingerprints while the bad guys slip into the waiting getaway car.
In the meantime, if someone tells you The List™ is a myth, ask them why supposedly innocent people have spent years trying to deny, discredit, and bury something that never existed in the first place.
How about this?
An Epstein Quickie
Judge Joe Brown believes that Trump Is using the Epstein files to blackmail the Deep State into surrendering.
Alex Jones and veteran jurist Judge Joe Brown have ignited fresh controversy with a jaw-dropping theory: Donald Trump, they say, has quietly seized the U.S. government’s most explosive “Epstein files” and is now brandishing them as leverage to make the Washington “deep state” fold.
On Jones’s program, the host claimed that a covert internal “raid” months ago wrested the FBI and CIA cache of kompromat—allegedly tied to Jeffrey Epstein’s under-age-sex-blackmail operation—out of agency hands and into Trump’s. Since that behind-the-scenes coup, Jones argued, once-defiant insiders have been “rolling over,” while even foreign allies “kiss Trump’s butt,” terrified of what could be revealed.
Judge Brown concurred, linking the story to the 2022 FBI search of Mar-a-Lago and Trump’s refusal to surrender certain documents. Under the Constitution, Brown stressed, the president has “absolutely unquestionable authority” to decide what stays classified. If Trump believed the records documented criminal wrongdoing, Brown said, he had a duty to keep them out of the archives—otherwise “the very people recorded doing wrong … would destroy it.”
Brown suggested those same files may now be pointed “at the deep state’s head,” already forcing intelligence and law-enforcement power brokers to “surrender rather than risk exposure.” He predicted that once private investigations wrap, “we’re going to start seeing something come out of that.”
The sensational narrative remains unverified, and Brown himself labels it “speculation.” Still, the prospect that a single trove of Epstein-related blackmail material could upend Washington’s power balance has reignited public fascination—and fierce debate—over what secrets the sealed files actually contain, and who now holds the trigger.
It’s a humiliation ritual. The more bombastically they lie to our faces, the better they feel about themselves when we let them get away with it.
To quote Theodore Dalrymple:
“The purpose … was not to persuade or convince, not to inform, but to humiliate; and therefore, the less it corresponded to reality the better. When people are forced to remain silent when they are being told the most obvious lies, or even worse when they are forced to repeat the lies themselves, they lose once and for all their sense of probity. To assent to obvious lies is in some small way to become evil oneself. One’s standing to resist anything is thus eroded, and even destroyed. A society of emasculated liars is easy to control.”