Some People Have Discovered Something Terrifying About the Climate

You're going to want to sit down, perhaps pop a Xanax, before you read this.

Ciao fam! As I continue to pack a lifetime’s worth of gelato consumption into a single trip, I hope you enjoy this gently-upcycled post from a while back. I miss you all and your delightful comments and I thank you for your patience while I get my family fix.
I’ll be back before you know it. :)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A team of laypersons announced today that the earth’s climate is not completely static. That’s right. While many people have long thought that atmospheric conditions remain unchanged day after day and year after year, despite their own observations and experiences and access to the internet and the Encyclopedia Britannica before that, explosive new research published this week in The World Economic Forum Journal of Cockroach Recipes, Vaccine Worship, and Biometric Surveillance indicates that weather patterns actually change over time. Not just occasionally, but, like, constantly. The authors, who include businessmen, politicians, actors, two trans athletes, and a bunch of rich guys, none of whom have any environmental training or knowledge whatsoever, were stunned by their own groundbreaking discovery.

“You could have knocked me over with a cow fart,” said the paper’s lead author Klaud Earpik, a banker who lives in a hermetically sealed, climate-controlled pod in Fahrtgasse, Germany, not far from Heidelberg’s most popular Starbucks and the city’s famed Thingstätte amphitheater, which was built during the Third Reich and used for large-scale Nazi rallies. “This is huge news and should have everyone scrambling for shelter and begging for governmental protection and assistance,” Earpik added.

The paper, titled “Why Don’t More People Give a Flux about Climate Change™?” included undeniable proof of the planet’s alarmingly schizophrenic temperature trends, such as the chilling image below.

Is it shorts, sweater, or umbrella weather? WE CAN NEVER KNOW.

The discovery’s implications are vast, the authors claim. For example, even though May is typically known as a sunny month in the US, artificial modeling suggests we could experience very little sunshine in the coming weeks—or even none at all. It might rain. It could snow. What if people have already boxed up their scarves and snow boots and carried them to the attic, or worse, schlepped them to a storage unit?

“That Gore guy got everyone incredibly confused with his whole ‘global warming’ crusade, especially when none of his predictions materialized,” Earpik said. “Is the earth getting hotter? Sometimes. Is it also cooling? Yes! Nearly every time it isn’t getting hotter, in fact. By recklessly pointing out only one-directional temperature alterations, Gore’s catchphrase makes it really hard for our team to get people appropriately worked up about this.”

“Climate Change™ is undeniable,” added the paper’s co-author Willful Negates, a retired rocking-chair engineer who doesn’t have even a single minute of meteorological training despite being frequently quoted on the subject by media outlets from Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe. “Unfortunately, so is Climate Change™ hesitancy. People just don’t want to believe that weather can be unpredictable in the way we’ve discovered it can be.”

The Nile water level over hundreds of years. So much change it’s hard to keep up.

According to Negates, if the planetary populace is going to be ready for the next atmospheric shift, whether it be warmer or cooler by ten degrees or zero and last for a day or an epoch and even though mankind has endured nonstop weather variability since the dawn of time, we have to start heavily investing in platforms that promote barometric preparedness.

“That’s precisely why I created the Coalition for Climate Change Hesitancy Avoidance and Critical Hub for Influencing NWO Goals—or as I like to call it, CCCHA-CHING,” Negates explained. “If governments around the world support CCCHA-CHING, we’ll be able to respond to meteorological mood swings immediately and as a unified body.”

In light of this staggering new look at reality, social media giant Meta quickly released a gallery of rings users can add to their profile photos to show their enthusiastic support for polar-thermic fluctuations. “We’ve found that allowing our users to identify themselves as part of a particular group enhances that group’s participation by 4,294,210 percent, even among users who understand literally nothing about what the group does or represents,” said a Meta employee who identifies as the company’s spokesperson.

The researchers admit that the idea that some years, decades, centuries, millennia, and eons are hotter or colder than others isn’t brand new, per se. But they emphasize that not enough people are out there organizing Climate Change™ parades and wearing sad SAVE THE EARTH t-shirts to give the movement the momentum it needs to get the sizable grants usually reserved for Ukraine. “We can’t stop the climate from impulsively flip-flopping without a lot of top-down, international support,” Negates insisted. “If we don’t get that—and I hate to say this—a lot of grandmothers are going to die.”

Of course, the Biden Administration has already committed an unnamed sum ending in a long string of zeroes to the project, and Negates and his team are confident they can get the rest of the universe on board. Negates isn’t saying exactly how CCCHA-CHING plans to fight Mother Nature’s erratic and unpredictable and certainly not geoengineered ways with the funding, but he promises that unlike Gore’s colossal global warming flop, his plan will get attention.”

Supporting CCCHA-CHING is easy in the US; simply continue to pay your exorbitant taxes and the funds will automatically get funneled straight into the organization’s bank account. Undocumented citizens illegally enjoying tax-exempt status and non-US residents can donate directly at CCCHA-CHING.org.

Ho, ho, hold it right there! The holidays are just FOUR weeks away. Are you ready?