RFK Jr. Pulls COVID Shot from the Kid's Menu

*CDC immediately orders it à la carte

In a move that had crunchy moms weeping joyfully into their raw milk smoothies, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced this week that COVID-19 vaccines are officially off the childhood immunization schedule.

To celebrate, Kennedy released a video alongside NIH Director Dr. Jay Bhattacharya and FDA Commissioner Dr. Marty Makary, a pair whose understanding of immunology doesn’t come from a press release. The trio called the change “common sense” and “good science,” causing poke-aholics everywhere to break out in angry hives and demand to speak to a manager.

Alas, any euphoria over the news on the MAHA side was short-lived.

Just 48 hours after Kennedy’s announcement, the CDC stepped in to say, “LOL, not really.”

To be clear, I don’t think Kennedy baited anyone; I think the dirty CDC switched on him.

According to the agency’s updated May 29 Covid guidance, the mRNA clot shots are still technically on the schedule, but rather than being categorized as recommended, they now appear under a brand-new category called “shared clinical decision-making.” Which is basically the government’s way of saying, “We’re not mandating anything. We’re simply paying your doctor to coerce you so we don’t have to.”

In other words, you and your child’s pediatrician can talk about it like grown-ass adults. Then Doctor Jabbidydoo can shame you, threaten to fire you from her practice, and report you to CPS for suspected child abuse.

CNN raced to report:

“Yes, absolutely [Covid vaccines] are still on the schedule,” said a person familiar with the agency’s vaccine recommendations who asked not to be named as they were not authorized to share details of the government’s deliberations.

A person familiar with the agency’s vaccine recommendations.

Well, okay then.

My fellow anti-vaxxers are not amused.

On the one hand, we should give the CDC a smidgeon of credit. After years of barking out dictates like a cranky lunch lady, now they’re at least pretending to honor the sacred doctor–parent relationship, where you can once again be judged for your decisions face-to-face instead of through a passive-aggressive newsletter from your MD’s group practice. On the other hand, since we know unequivocally that doctors are blatantly bribed generously incentivized to get us all maximally juiced up, roughly how unbiased or rooted in common sense can we expect these discussions to be? It’s hard to call it “shared decision-making” when one party gets a payout and the other gets myocarditis.

The “new” policy allows children ages 6 months to 17 years to receive the COVID vaccine only if their parents want it and their doctors don’t pass out mid-conversation from exasperation.

Makary went on CBS’s Face the Nation with Margaret Brennan and absolutely destroyed the narrative.

Makary: We’re going to get away from blanket recommendations in healthy, young Americans. We don’t want to see kids kicked out of school because a twelve-year-old girl is not getting her fifth Covid booster shot. We don’t see the data there to support a young, healthy child getting a repeat, infinite, annual Covid vaccine. There’s a theory that we should sort of blindly approve new Covid boosters in young, healthy kids every year in perpetuity and that a young girl born today should get 80 Covid mRNA shots in her lifespan. We’re saying that’s a theory, and we’d like to check in and get some randomized controlled data.”

Brennan: But… but… what about kids who haven’t gotten the shot?

Makary: We’d love to see the data.

Brennan: No, no, no. But on a practical level, for a parent at home hearing you, trying to make sense here… if their child hasn’t been vaccinated, are you recommending that their first encounter with Covid be an actual infection?

Makary: We’re not going to push the Covid shot in young, healthy kids without any clinical trial data supporting it. I don’t know if you know these statistics, but for 88% of American kids, their parents have said ‘no’ to the Covid shot last season. So, the vast majority of Americans are saying ‘no,’ maybe they want to see some clinical data as well, maybe they have concerns about safety. Let’s see the data.”

Can I get an A-to-the-MEN?

The elephant in the waiting room, of course, is the insurance-industrial complex. Without a CDC recommendation, insurers are likely to drop coverage faster than a long-distance call from a cruise ship. Which means the families who still want the shot will [gasp!] have to pony up their own dough—a hard pill to swallow after years of being paid to take the thing.

“Public health experts are alarmed,” NPR hyperventilated, terrified that Kennedy’s announcement “will make it much harder for parents to get their children vaccinated and for pregnant people* to get the shots.”

*Pregnant people, do note.

I mean, do you promise?

Despite the bureaucratic whiplash, Big Needle’s loyal fanbase is still out here foaming at the arm—while purebloods are nervously fuming at the pullback.

Kennedy may have pried the syringe from Uncle Sam’s clammy hand, but the machine isn’t shutting down—it’s just getting sneakier. Pharma still has its tentacles deep in the insurance world, the pediatric associations, and every clipboard-wielding receptionist who asks if you’re “up to date with your immunizations.” The CDC might’ve downgraded its marching orders, but sadly scores of white coats are still working on commission.

So yeah, the schedule technically changed. But the win feels more symbolic than sweeping. Kennedy & Co. might have nothing but pure intentions, but they’re still up against a wickedly corrupt system with deep pockets, cozy media ties, and a metric motherlode of influence. The CDC didn’t back off—it just passed the job of pushing the shot to your kid’s doctor, who now gets a pat on the head and probably a fat bonus check for convincing you to go along with it.

LMK who you think won this round in the comments. ;)

Only thirteen shopping days until Father’s Day. Just saying.