Much Ado About Nothing

You were right, random stranger. I was just over-reacting to those millions of injuries and deaths.

The wall plaque/bumper sticker/framed canvas quote nobody has given me BUT OBVIOUSLY SHOULD HAVE.

I’ve made at least 3,429 choices in my life that, in retrospect, may not have been the wisest. Riding my (not street-legal) motorcycle to my seventh grade best friend’s house and convincing her to let me pull her around the neighborhood on roller skates holding onto the fringy end of a macramé plant hanger I found in her garage with the ring end looped around one of my handlebar grips is up there near the top.

We both have scars.

But every once in a while, I do something insanely stupid that I know in the actual moment is a really bad idea but I literally can’t stop myself.

Stranger I should absolutely, unequivocally ignore: “This is a misinformed, smug, unsolicited comment in response to something you’ve written.”

Me [to self]: Walk away. Ignore it. It’s not worth it. You know how this goes. It never ends well. Hello? Are you listening to me? Jenna… I’m serious. Just. Walk. Away.

Me [to misinformed, unsolicited commenter]: Hi and thanks for weighing in!

This week, I wrote about the emotional rollercoaster that was being the single early COVID “anti-vaxxer” in my family. I talked about all the research I’d done and how hard it was to get a university medical exemption and how frightened and anxious my daughters were and how my husband and I argued about vaccinating them—until I was (finally, blessedly) able to lure my family into the light. Straight out of the gate, the comments were so lovely and so supportive I had a lump in my throat for two full days.

And then Gunther Heinz Hochleitner showed up.

Me [out loud, to nobody]: “Well that’s funny, Gunther. I don’t recall asking for your opinion or your advice.”

Me [to Gunther, and MAYBE just a little ANNOYED]:

Me [out loud, to myself]: Auf Wiedersehen, Gunther.

But Gunther WAS NOT going to be DISUADED. Oh, no. He still had THINGS TO SAY—namely that in addition to being WRONG I was also OVERREACTING—in my own opinion column, which last time I checked, is ineligible for FACT-CHECKING.

You guys. By this point, my BP was like [insert some relatively-astronomical-to-normal-blood-pressure number I’m not a doctor okay and also I’m nearly convulsing just reliving this exchange]. I could hear Pierre mocking me in my head. “You’re responding to comments? Oh, cute, silly, naïve little Jenna. You can’t respond. It’s not like you’re going to change this guy’s mind! Just let it go and move on.”

Me [in my head, to Pierre]: Who even asked you? You’re totally not the boss of me and besides, Gunther is a judgy little weasel—MY ATTITUDE WAS OUT OF PROPORTION?—who needs a smackdown and who better to give it to him than—”

Pierre [in my head]: You know what? Have at it. Rip Gunther a new one. You have my blessing, even though you know I think you’re nuts. You’ll learn someday.

Me [who even knows anymore?]: Thank you. Maybe I’ll reply to him tomorrow—

Me [to self]: Go for a walk. Watch some cute cat videos on Instagram. Rearrange the Tupperware drawer. Quit hitting the refresh button. It’s not like Gunther is going to come back and apologize or anyth—

ICYMI: Gunther. Sees. No. Evidence. Of. A. Vax. Injury. Pandemic.

Clearly we were done. There was nothing I could say to Gunther that would change his uncurious, single-track, propagandized mind. Be kind, Jenna, and just wish him well.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Gunther Heinz Hochleitner has some German blood in his veins. Germans, you may have heard and at the risk of stereotyping here, don’t give up easily. Gunther is out here making his people proud.

Me [INCREDULOUSLY, TO SELF]: Did Gunther actually just play the shrimp card? And then tell me to have a good day in Portuguese? Paging Allen Funt! #IYKYK

What could Gunther possibly say to that? I wondered.

I did not have to wonder for long.

The other day, my husband Joe and I were talking about some of the friendships we (mostly I) lost during the pandemic. I wondered aloud how many of them had finally woken up to the scam and were now just as pissed off and fired up as I’ve been all along.

“Seriously?” Joe said. “None of them, Jenna. Nothing’s changed for them. They’re still watching CNN and listening to the CDC and wearing masks and getting their boosters when they’re told to, and they still think you’re a right-wing lunatic.” I genuinely believed he was wrong. Not about all of them, but at least some of them.

But now I don’t know. Gunther sort of pissed on my parade. I shushed the Pierre voice in my head for the last time and responded.

Last year, I wrote about the “acceptable death rate” for vaccines. (Spoiler: mine was/is zero.) I guess Gunther’s is far, far higher. Sigh. Tenha um ótimo dia, y’all.

P.S. Did everyone see my brilliant co-author (and annoying voice of reason/sanity) Dr. Pierre Kory on Tucker Carlson this week? My boy KNOCKED IT OUTTA THE PARK. Check it out (and share) when you can.