Maxwell House Coffee Changes Its Name to "Maxwell Let's Be Honest, Who Can Afford Home Ownership?"
I'm barely even making that up.
Somewhere between 7% mortgage rates and “we’ll consider any all-cash offers that include a firstborn and a kidney,” corporate America finally said the quiet part out loud: homeownership is no longer a plan—it’s a pipe dream. Enter Maxwell Apartment—formerly Maxwell House, and I swear I’m not making that up—the rebrand no one asked for but most folks can, unfortunately, relate to.
To address the reality of America’s downwardly mobile society, the coffee giant has temporarily swapped its cozy cottage branding for something more landlord-friendly, complete with a 12-month “lease” on four canisters for just $39.99 (*currently out of stock on Amazon), ostensibly a year’s worth of java.
The official press release is downright adorable.
“In a time where value matters now more than ever, Americans seek value in areas of their everyday, including where they live with nearly a third opting to rent versus purchase a home,” an unpaid intern probably wrote.
“As a real coffee for real people, with its ‘Good To the Last Drop’ legacy, the name change celebrates the same principle that guided Maxwell House for more than a century—smart choices add up and choosing Maxwell House means enjoying a quality cup of coffee without the café price tag.”
Translation: You can’t afford a mortgage? Well, honey, then you definitely can’t afford Starbucks.
(Also, opting to rent? That’s sort of like saying, opting to be diabetic, no?)
The company’s let’s-just-call-it-peak-girl-math promise is that Maxwell Apartment drinkers will come out ahead by more than $1,000 a year—if they were previously indulging in two pricy café runs every single day. (By that logic, if you’re currently treating yourself to two daily restaurant ribeyes and just switch to sloppy joes at home, you’ll pocket another fifty grand! Think of all the indulgences we currently aren’t enjoying that we could give up to really beef up our imaginary savings!)
Maxwell isn’t the first House company to suffer a corporate identity crisis: in 2018 IHOP briefly rebranded itself as IHOb—with the intentionally lowercase b—to hype burgers, resulting in nationwide cries of stay in your lane and a swift return to pancakes. (Plus IHOb just sounded like you were saying IHOP with a really bad cold.) In 2022, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese began formally identifying as Kraft Mac & Cheese, which is literally what the entire planet called it anyway—but good job spending hundreds of mil to make it official, guys. And in 2024, The Campbell Soup Company dropped “Soup” to become The Campbell’s Company, which would be like Kleenex taking “tissue” out of its title (i.e., who on Earth cares, everybody knows you’re tissues!).
The whole thing makes me wonder: what are we going to do when renting an apartment becomes out of reach? I can see a whole dystopian coffee franchise: Maxwell Studio (same terrible taste, half the caffeine), Maxwell Co-Living (the cans empty themselves and then deny it), and Maxwell In-Laws (comes with unsolicited opinions and the occasional casserole).
[My brilliant, hilarious, and endlessly talented daughter read a draft of this post and pointed out that I forgot Maxwell Mancave (“just the beans; whole and earthy”) and Maxwell SheShed (“just that one super bitter flavor” hahaha she’s coming for my job). My bad.]
Imagine the endless variety of vibes—Security Deposit Medium Roast, Eviction Notice Espresso, and Landlord’s Blend—now with notes of ceiling mold and passive-aggressive emails. Collect them all! It’s Labubu for poor people!
Maxwell Apartment—if you’re hiring, call me.
Interestingly, Maxwell’s parent company, Kraft Heinz, announced this month that it will be splitting into two publicly traded companies next year, likely due to falling shares “amid a wider trend away from processed foods.” (MAHA for the win!) Maxwell Shared Garage Space™ *not the actual name* will be lumped into the new North American Grocery Co. alongside such frankenbrands as Oscar Mayer, Lunchables, and Ore-Ida.
Kraft Heinz CEO: “Okay, team, our stock’s in the toilet now that Kennedy’s coming after the chemicals. How are we gonna turn this around?”
Naïve marketing intern: “We could stop making crap?”
CEO: [glares]
Crisis Comms Director: “Or, we announce a strategic separation into two targeted ventures and lead with ‘consumer-focused modernization.’”
CEO: “Book the press conference.”
In the end, Maxwell Apartment feels less like a bold reimagining and more like a sad surrender. We used to tell kids ‘work hard and dream big’; now it’s ‘budget hard and dream small—here’s your store-brand drip and a 12-month lease on a couple of jugs.’
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Tell me what you think of this evolution: necessary, depressing, or just very clever marketing capture.
“Maxwell Mancave” wins!
I remember seeing an ad for a tent rental in a Palo Alto backyard for $900 a month. So there’s “Mawell Tent in a Tech Bro’s Backyard.”
I recently discovered that it costs $700 per month just to rent a spot for a camper that has electrical and sewer hookup. The electricity cost is NOT included.
You might think this is on a beach on the coast.
No. It’s in central Ohio on a lake with a playground.
I about fell over.