Kamala Harris: The Susan Lucci of the Democrat Party

(Mama told her to never give up!)

Daytime soap fans and old people of a certain age/era like me are probably familiar with Susan Lucci, the All My Children actress who was Emmy-nominated an astonishing nineteen times before finally taking home her very own gold-plated statuette. Lucci’s epic losing streak was the first thing that sprung to mind when I saw the following not-from-the-Onion headline yesterday.

I can’t speak for my readers, but I have exponentially enjoyed the last few months of not having to hear The Laughingstock toss a single word salad more than I enjoy not camping, not being poked in the eye with a stick, and not giving birth to full-grown porcupine triplets combined. Am I now going to be forced to accept that fact that K-Ha has not, as I had hoped, forsaken civil service to pursue a career in waste management or casket manufacturing or literally any other field in the universe that the media has less-than-zero interest in?

After teasing Golden Staters with the tantalizing prospect that she could conceivably be their next governor [pauses to retract earlier statement that The People’s Republic of Commiefornia could not possibly do worse than Newsom], suddenly the media is hot to report that another presidential run is not only a possibility for Harris, but that—and I hope you are sitting down for this part—she’s the Democratic party’s very best, most popular option*.

*receiving a whopping 36% of voters’ support, which the New York Post called a “stunning double-digit lead over Pete Buttigieg,” who came in a dusty, distant second place after earning just 10% support from his party. #WinningIsRelative

Other red-hot contenders for the democratic nomination, according the poll above, include AOC, Newsom, and Walz (5% each), Shark Tank star Mark Cuban and Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro (4% each), along with a handful of never-chancers including Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer (who got the exact same percentage as “someone else” hahahaha). Put another way, only a third of voters think Harris is the best woman birthing person for the job—which means that a staggering sixty-seven percent do not. In this case, I would like to point out that “double-digit favorite” is to “lipstick on a pig” what “Djokovic” is to “guys who play tennis.”

Imagine you go out for Mexican food with a group of friends, after which someone suggests a rousing game of Twister. If you accidentally release the stored up intestinal gas from your bean burrito out of your back hole directly into another player’s face mid-game, are you going to suggest or even agree to a rematch? Or are you going to hide in the nearest closet until everyone else goes home and forsake Twister for the rest of ever?

Or pretend your kid is routinely picked dead last for every team in PE. As a parent, of course you’re supposed to encourage her to keep trying her best… but is it a bad thing to also maybe suggest she learn to play guitar or take up knitting? You know, just in case?

Nelson Mandela famously said, “I never lose. I either win or learn.” Well, it would appear that Kamala has done neither. (Hilariously, it was Donald Trump who said, “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”)

On sportsbettingdime.com, Harris’s odds of being our next commander-in-chief come in below Michelle Obama’s, Gavin Newsom’s, Hillary Clinton’s, and Oprah Winfrey’s—a lineup of crooks and miscreants that actually makes last year’s biggest loser look like a modern-day Winston Churchill.

You guys, how are we even here? How are these the tippy-top Democratic contenders? At least the Republican side is betting on Ron Desantis, Tucker Carlson, and Tulsi Gabbard. As far as I know, none of them has been accused of (or caught) being a closet gender bender, having an affair with their best friend’s spouse, murdering every other person they’ve ever made eye contact with, or propping up a future felon as their personal “spiritual healer.”

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I suppose I should be grateful that the left continues to groom the worst of the worst to be their party’s puppets. At this rate and with any luck, their losing streak will continue for another twenty glorious Susan Lucci-style cycles and I’ll be quietly enjoying the afterlife the next time a Dem is at the helm.

Tell me why you voted the way you did in the comments. ;)

C’mon. Treat yourself. You deserve it.