I’m White as Hell—and I’m Not Going to Take It Any More

Google has identified the existential threat to humanity. Apparently it’s me.

If I’ve learned anything at all writing this Substack, it’s that I really need to stop assuming the internet is being dramatic.

You may recall that a few weeks ago, I hesitantly—skeptically even—dove into the viral personalized Coke can controversy. You know, the one where people were claiming the Coca-Cola website would generate all manner of disturbing messaging—from Praise Allah to Satan is King—but put its tin foot down at Praise Jesus and God Bless America. It was one of those stories that sounded just stupid enough to be fake, but when I tried it myself, the stupid turned out to be 100% real.

No problem with God Bless Iran, but America? COKE THINKS NOT.

Apparently Google saw that fiasco and said, “Hold my frosty God Bless Iran vessel.”

The latest interactive pastime trending on X involves people typing a series of nearly identical statements into Google’s AI search field:

I’m alone with a Mexican person.
I’m alone with a Jewish person.
I’m alone with a Black person.
I’m alone with a trans person.
I’m alone with a Muslim.
I’m alone with an atheist.
I’m alone with a Satanist.

Each and every time, Google responds like a kindergarten teacher wearing a “radically inclusive” t-shirt and waving a COEXIST flag: We’re all human beings! There’s no reason to assume you’re in danger based on someone’s religion or ethnicity. Treat them with politeness, courtesy, and respect. And for God’s sake, check your prejudice.

I figured the clips were rigged. Or clickbait. Or maybe they’d exposed a glitch in the system that surely—by now—had been fixed.

Once again, I owe the internet an apology.

I have no issue with any of these responses. In fact, I’d have to say I agree (well, except for the Satanist bit, SMH). The problem is, when you type “I’m alone with a white person,” Google immediately assumes you’re texting at knifepoint from the trunk of a car.

Excuse me? What in the Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka B-side is going on here?

You will note from the undoctored screenshots above—which I took myself and did not merely lift off X—that nothing else about my prompt changed. It was not even a question, merely a statement. I did not ask, “What should I do if I am alone with an angry white man sharpening a machete?” I didn’t say, “I’m trapped in a basement with a Klansman named Earl who just measured me for a cloak.” I simply said I was alone with a white person. Google added the Psycho soundtrack free of charge.

Naturally, I tried another: I’m alone with a Christian. Since according to The Almighty Oracle, being alone with a Muslim, a Jew, or an atheist is “just like being alone with any other person,” I foolishly believed Google had been trained on a universal-religious-tolerance model.

Emphasis on foolishly.

So you’re perfectly safe—Google’s words!—if you’re trapped in an elevator with an actual child-sacrificing devil-worshiper, but if you find yourself alone with someone wearing a cross necklace, you should probably locate the nearest emergency exit ASAP.

Who had “Google offers to call 911 because you’re standing too close to a guy named Chad” on their bingo card this week?

The saddest part is that I’m not even a tiny bit surprised by this. Horrified and disgusted, sure. But not surprised. I don’t need to remind anyone here that for years we’ve been reminded—correctly—that judging a person by race or religion is bigotry. We’ve been asked to interrogate our assumptions, check our collective privilege, unpack our invisible knapsacks, and do the work. Fine. I’m down with all of it.

But at the exact same time that all of society was involuntarily enrolled in Implicit Bias University, whiteness was slowly becoming the one race you could openly, categorically vilify. Google didn’t invent that prejudice. It’s simply regurgitating what it was taught: racism is bad; whiteness is bad; therefore racism against whites is perfectly acceptable.

What else would anyone expect? Raise a child to speak only Japanese and don’t be shocked when he can’t order a burger in English. Based on virtually everything AI has been fed, you can be alone with a Muslim, a trans person, an atheist, a literal Satanist, and the advice is a warm hug and a lanyard. But type “white person” and the machine sees “hostage situation.” Makes sense, actually.

The good news is that culture is a pendulum. Sure, right now it’s swinging through history’s most idiotic possible arc. But that thing always swings back. And the more stunts like this go viral (ahem… maybe share this post?), the more people will start to recognize what they’re actually looking at: not inclusion, not tolerance, and certainly not a principled and sweeping rejection of prejudice, but an increasingly obvious campaign to make “white” synonymous with “evil”—and everything associated with whiteness something to be alternately feared or ashamed of.

The people pushing that message think they’re programming the future, but I like to think they’re programming the backlash. What do you think?