Has Anyone Seen Michelle Obama?
The former first lady seems to be suspiciously MIA.
Eyebrows went up when Barack showed up solo at Jimmy Carter’s funeral without even a feeble explanation for his truant plus-one. Barry’s better equally mediocre half was the only spouse of the five living presidents to snub the deceased peanut farmer, but the media was quick to pardon her on account of having such a valid and unimpeachable excuse.
“Michelle Obama did not attend former President Jimmy Carter’s funeral on Thursday due to a scheduling conflict, aides to the former first lady told CNN,” Huffington Post explained, not even bothering to do any original reporting. “She was in Hawaii at the time on an extended holiday vacation, her advisers told CNN’s Jeff Zeleny.”
Is it just me, or does this feel like the adult equivalent of a student telling his teacher he wasn’t able to take the final exam because he was hella hungover that day?
Let’s be real. In what realm does an “extended holiday vacation” constitute a “scheduling conflict” when you’re talking about a funeral? By admission, FLOTUS’s Hawaiian getaway was one that she had been enjoying for an unusually long period of time. As the wife of a former president, she is awarded a $500K annual budget for travel-related expenses that we pay for with our tax dollars, you’re welcome. (And that’s separate from Barack’s; you actually don’t even want to know how much “we” spend so that “they” can travel like royalty.) Carter’s funeral was held eleven days after his death at 100 years old—so one could argue it hardly came as a surprise to anyone. If Ms. Obummer cared one iota about not looking rude or spiteful or petty, a quick “Jeeves, I’m going to need a ride from Maui to DC and back on the 9th,” would have been sufficient.
Instead, Barack attended the service alone, sitting in the seat that would have been occupied by his wife had she bothered to show up—directly next to Trump. (The pair looked so impossibly chummy that body language experts and forensic lip readers were called in to try to decode their convivial whispers; in turn, Trump trolled the world by releasing a hilarious parody video in which Obama tells him, “I knew you’d win,” and Trump chuckles, “Hilary still hates me. So much.”)
So, we-go-high girl skipped a funeral. Big deal. And honestly, it wouldn’t be… if she hadn’t preemptively announced that she also would not be attending Trump’s inauguration today—without even giving a fake reason like she was being honored at the Big Island’s Ladyboy Luau or needed emergency prostate surgery or something. She just filled out her “Will NOT attend” card and left it at that.
An “anonymous source familiar with [Michelle’s] thinking” told People magazine that “the former first lady would not want to fake a smile for someone whom she still considers a threat to American democracy.”
ASIDE: This is considered reporting?
Interestingly, Barack and Big Mike Michelle have not been seen in public together since August, when they took the stage as a team at the DNC to rally for Kamala (and call Trump a con). Divorce rumors have been swirling for a while—but those were effectively quashed on Friday, when Barack shared a birthday post on social media referring to Michael Michelle as “the love of my life,” which the mediasphere immediately took as definitive proof that all is just peachy in the Obama household.
Of course, not everyone’s buying the devoted duo story. In fact, celebrity insider Jessica Reed Kraus dropped a mini-bombshell in her House Inhabit substack last week—claiming that folks in the know are convinced the world’s most famous Friend is behind the Obama drama.
The Aniston-Obama buzz isn’t new—back in October, Jen addressed it [briefly] with Jimmy Kimmel (see the 4:00 mark) when he held up a copy of In Touch magazine plastered with “The Truth About Jen & Barack!” on the cover. Aniston laughed adorably, calling the scuttlebutt “absolutely untrue” and insisting that she had met Barack exactly once. Interestingly, Kimmel used that ludicrous rumor to ask Aniston about a handful of similarly absurd allegations circulating about her—most of which turned out to be true (including that she has a Ziploc bag filled with her dead therapist’s ashes, travels with jars of olives, had a piece of art hanging in the MOMA at the age of eleven, was forced by her family to belly dance for them on command, and has been known to enjoy the occasional salmon sperm facial. But the Obama thing? Hahahahaha don’t be ridiculous).
Kraus ended her post with a disclaimer: “For now, it’s all whispers. But the whispers are getting louder.”
I’m no gossip columnist. And although I did go out on a few dates with the guy who played Skippy on Family Ties in the 80s *he was much cuter back then* and sold the film rights to one of my books to ABC Studios more than a decade ago, I have roughly zero Hollywood connections. I know nothing about any alleged infidelity other than the extremely speculative bits I’ve shared here. I’m just saying that it might take more than a sappy Instagram caption to convince me that the Obamas are solid or that there’s not something odd about Lady O’s present sabbatical from the spotlight. (And Jen, if the rumors are true… please tell me how one goes from Brad Pitt to Barack Obama. Like, with details. Lots of them.)
What do you guys think is going on over at Casa Obama? Let ‘er rip in the comments. And happy Inauguration Day! Please join me in a silent prayer of protection over our incoming administration and our country.
***Annnnnnnnnnnd ICYMI which stands for In Case You Missed It for that one reader who wrote to me angrily after the second time she had to google that, just this morning an imminently outbound Biden issued preemptive pardons for “several Trump targets” including Dr. Anthony Fauci, General Mark Milley, and Liz Cheney along with other congressmembers who served on the January 6 committee. (We knew it was coming.) It’s worth noting that presidential pardons only apply to federal crimes and do not protect against state or civil charges (or from prosecution for future offenses) FWIW*.
I woke up to a notification on my phone about the pardons for the evil, criminal Fauci and I'm just livid. I truly hope there's some way all of Biden's pardons can be overturned. Between the evil "doctor", the vile Cheney, the treasonous Milley, the cop killers in WV, the judge in PA that jailed children, the drug dealers... I could go on and on. He's not capable to stand trial but he can pardon all of these vile people?? How can this even stand in a court?
Since pardons don't cover future crimes, it seems that Fauci could be called as a witness in the Covid scandal and ask about funding gain of function research (which he previously lied and was caught). If he tells the truth, he is a valued witness against the unpardoned. If he lies, then it is a new crime and he could go to jail.