Don't Mess With Texas. Seriously, Y'all.

Miss a meeting? Go directly to jail.

Everything’s bigger in Texas—including the political drama.

In a scene that can only be described as “The Real Lawmakers of the Lone Star Republic,” more than 50 Texas House Democrats channeled their inner fugitives and fled the state in a desperate attempt to block a GOP redistricting plan. In Texas, Republicans hold majorities in both the House and Senate, giving them the authority to redraw legislative districts in ways that can significantly influence how many seats each party is likely to win. And naturally, they’d draw them in their own favor (just as Democrats would and routinely do).

So instead of sticking around to vote-and-lose, the Dems decided to just skedaddle across the nearest state line. By fleeing the state, they broke quorum—meaning the GOP can’t vote on the redistricting plan. Their hope? Run out the clock, stir up some public outrage, and maybe get the feds to step in. Basically: hide, delay, and pray.

Governor Greg Abbott responded the way any self-respecting Texan would: by ordering the Department of Public Safety to round them up like cattle and arrest them all.

“Texas House Democrats abandoned their duty to Texans,” Abbott said in a press release. “By fleeing the state, Texas House Democrats are holding hostage critical legislation to aid flood victims and advance property tax relief. There are consequences for dereliction of duty. This order will remain in effect until all missing Democrat House members are accounted for and brought to the Texas Capitol.”

“In addition to abandoning their offices, these legislators may also have committed felonies. Many absentee Democrats are soliciting funds to evade the fines they will incur under House rules. Any Democrat who ‘solicits, accepts, or agrees to accept’ such funds to assist in the violation of legislative duties or for purposes of skipping a vote may have violated bribery laws. See TEX. PENAL CODE § 36.02. The same could be true for any other person who ‘offers, confers, or agrees to confer’ such funds to fleeing Democrat House members. I will use my full extradition authority to demand the return to Texas of any potential out-of-state felons.”

According to the Texas Tribune, “while the Democrats technically can prevent the GOP’s redistricting effort by breaking quorum, it would require the entire delegation to stay out of the state until at least November, which political scientists say is unlikely given historical precedent.”

If you're gonna pull a stunt like this in the Open-Carry Capital, you better have a getaway plan that doesn’t end with a press conference at a La Quinta. Texans aren’t known for their patience, and nothing gets under their skin faster than elected officials acting like middle schoolers trying to skip gym class. To wit, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton went full Wyatt Earp, calling the lawmakers “jet-setting runaways” and vowing to have them arrested, punished, and face the full force of the law.

Just to give this some context: In California, you can loot a Walgreens in broad daylight on your way to brunch without so much as a slap on the wrist; in Texas, you can go to jail for missing a meeting. (If the two were siblings, Texas would be screaming at California, “How are we even related?”)

The escapees were reportedly spirited away on a private plane furnished by a billionaire Democrat donor. According to media personality Benny Johnson on X, the $47 million jet costs $17,000 per hour to run.

“They were dumb enough to take all these selfies on their private jet… who’s paying for this? Is somebody funding an insurrection in Texas?” Johnson asked AG Paxton.

“It certainly looks like it,” Paxton replied. “And either way, we want to know how it’s going to be paid for. They’re going to have to report this on their campaign finance reports… and we’ll know exactly who gave [them] the plane.”

“Is that legal?” Johnson pressed. “You can legally just, like, stop the state of Texas from working if any billionaire wants to come in and pay for every Democrat to leave?”

“You ask a complicated question that’s never been asked,” Paxton admitted. “We’ve never dealt with a billionaire coming in and offering to fly Democrats out of their responsibility in Texas for showing up and representing constituents. This is a new question the courts may get very soon.”

The hourly rate might be disputed, but the cringe isn’t.

Texas Representative Linda Garcia (D) made a video lip-syncing “We’re going to hurt some people” after fleeing the state to avoid voting… but Republicans are the violent insurrectionists. Really.

For the record, skipping town to dodge a vote isn’t exactly a fresh tactic. In 2003, a flock of Texas Democrats fled to Oklahoma to block a redistricting plan, earning the nickname “The Killer D’s” (which sounds less like lawmakers and more like a roller derby team). And in 2019, Oregon Senate Republicans pulled the same stunt—fleeing the state to block a Democratic climate change bill. But at least they didn’t turn their taxpayer-funded tantrums into cringey Broadway audition tapes.

Even though I live in Y’allifornia, this is not me covering “local news.” At the heart of the Lone Star lunacy is one cold, hard political truth: Democrats have long been eyeing Texas like Nancy Pelosi ogles an open bar, hoping to flip it blue and claim it as their own. The Republican redistricting plan is basically a giant “Not so fast, partner.” It’s the GOP’s shot at locking in their power and keeping the state redder than a sunburned armadillo. With demographics shifting and liberal dollars pouring in faster than you can say “Beto O’Who?”—it’s not about district lines. It’s about survival. With the second-largest electoral haul in the country, Texas is a massive political prize in presidential elections. If Texas turned blue, it would be nearly impossible for Republicans to win a national election.

At the end of the day, what Democrats pulled in Texas wasn’t an act of brave civil disobedience—it was legislative LARPing. And while the absentee bandits were busy dodging their duties, mugging for the camera, and pretending they’re fighting for democracy, everyday Texans were stuck waiting for things like disaster relief and property tax breaks.

Maybe next time the minority party wants to make a dramatic stand, they can try actually showing up, debating like grown-ass adults, and—dare I say it—losing with dignity. Sure, it’s less glamorous than jetting off in a billionaire’s private plane and filming edgy TikTok videos. But only one of those options even pretends to whisper ‘moral high ground.’

Tell me: what state has the biggest cojones, and why did you pick Texas? ;)

You buy it, I’ll sign it.